Your Tuesday Work Entertainment

So, uh, you dragged every line you could think of and made it into one long post.

That was the most assinine, incoherent statement I have ever heard. You will receive no points for that answer, and may God have mercy on your soul.

gonna grab some afternoon delight.

My motto’s always been when it’s right its right why wait until the middle of a cold dark night…

I’ve been meaning to ask, you think I could win just once?

Don’t be ridiculous, Kal. You can’t have two #1s…that’d be 11.

Yeah, you’re right. I don’t knwo what I was thinking.

Gotta quit saying everything that comes out of the old noggin. Just keep it deep inside.

And don’t let it out.

We opened up with some Old School, followed by some Days of Thunder, then a little Wedding Crashers, a sprig of Old School again, some Bad News Bears, some Baggar Vance, and closing out with a splash of Top Gun. Stir and boil until you get the most rediculous paragraph ever written.

Let’s think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting…Go on, I’m listening. Here’s the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box ‘cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside. Yeah, makes a man feel good. ’Course it does. Why shouldn’t it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted? What’s your point? The point is, how do you know the fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer? “Building model airplanes” says the little fairy; well, we’re not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that’s all it takes. The next thing you know, there’s money missing off the dresser, and your daughter’s knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.But why do they put a guarantee on the box? Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That’s all it is, isn’t it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer’s sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.

its a christmas classic already

Hey wheres my dad?
He was here but you weren’t on the plane? Perhaps you should have left a message?
I did!
What number did you call?
Two, four, niner, five, six, seven…
I can’t hear you, you’re trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
No it was a cordless…

The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I’d do anything to bone her…
Thats a special feeling Lloyd!

I can’t believe we drove around all day, and there’s not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip Unless you wanna work forty hours a week

Now you will go to sleep, or I will put you to sleep. See the nametag? You’re in my world now Grandma.

Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can’t seem to find my toothbrush, so I’ll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I’m in good shape. Don’t look at me in that tone of voice and You shut your mouth when your talking to me.

What have we got here, a f-ing comedian? Private Joker. I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you, you can come over to my house and f- my sister!

“What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?”

I’m gonna punch you in the ovary, that’s what I’m gonna do. A straight shot. Right in the babymaker.

No eye contact!

At Nick Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you’re gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here? Take a look at what I’m wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I’m wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I’m a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!

What would you do if you had a million dollars?
I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man..
That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Dang straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.

Peter… watch out for your cornhole, bud.

Sh**ter was full!

Hey Griswold. Where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big? Bend over and I’ll show y

Dale gets Hulk Hands and I get a fuckin rawhide wallet? What the hell! I am very angry right now!

all laying there, with your little infant hands…

Honey, Jesus is grown…

It’s my table, and I wanna pray to Baby Jesus!!!!

I like to imagine my Jesus wearing a tuxedo t-shirt. It says I’m bein serious, but I wanna party…I like to imagine Jesus as lead singer for Lynrd Skynrd with an Angel band behind him, and I’m in the front row and I’m hammered drunk!

 know… you’re right. I’m so sorry, I fin’ hate this job. I don’t want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It’s not cause you’re not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can’t let you in cause you’re old as fk. For this club, you know, not for the earth.You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can’t get her out of my head. Okay, just stop talking. How’s your wife and my kids? Listen, when I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke. You don’t like me because I sign autographs. Ya know Dorn, I liked you so much better when you were just a ballplayer. If you wanna be an interior decorator now that’s none of my business. But some of us still need this team. Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don’t know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, I’m gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your fin throat!

Danny, sir.

.. Danny.

Jesse James. Good Movie too.

this comes a very close second to the “This is War” thread preceding the Iron Bowl. But since that thread was deleted, this thread gets the #1 spot…come on, let’s get enough quptes to get over 300 posts!

You’re so wise. Like a minature Buddha, covered with hair.

Shit man, that honky mus’ be messin’ my old lady… got to be runnin’ cold upside down his head. You know?
Hey home, I can dig it. You know he ain’t gonna lay no mo’ big rap up on you man.
I say hey sky, s’other s’ay I wan say?
UH…
Pray to J I get the same ol’ same ol’.
Eh. Yo knock yourself a pro slick, gray matter live performas down now take TCB’in man.
Hey, you know what they say… See a broad, to get that booty yak ’em.
Leg ’er down ’n smack ’em yak ’em
Cold got to be. You know? Shiiiiit.

Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish prison?

Can-not, triple stamped it, no erasies, touch blue to make it true.
Buddy the Elf. What’s your favorite color?
Back in ‘82, I could throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
For my money, there’s nothing better than when he sings When a Man Loves a Woman.
I don’t want a large Farva, I want a liter of cola…

Whats up guys….big gulps huh? Well c-ya later…

trying to name where each quote came from..

Yeah. I hate your guts. As soon as you close your eyes, I’m gonna punch you in the face!

Now you listen, Ed. Damn it, we can get out of this thing, without any questions asked. We get connected up with that body, and the law, this thing’s gonna be hangin’ over us the rest of our lives. We’ve gotta get rid of that guy. I bet you can squeal like a pig. Weeeeeeee!

 I seriously think it’s time for you to move on and stop this broken-heart stuff.
 All right. So… you wanna hook up? You’re gonna have to try a lot harder than that, Rick.
Soooo… ya still wanna hook up? there you are, I’ve been looking for you, come inside, you look so beautiful and I wanted to see if you wanted to dance and technically, that was flirting…

You’re saying you have no black cats, Roman candles or screaming meemies?
Come on. You don’t got no ladyfingers, buzz bottles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippedy-doodas, crap flappers?

No, I don’t.

You’re gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand and say you have no whistling bungholes, spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, Hüsker Düs and don’ts.
Cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single
whistling kitty-chaser?

Spider pig, spider pig, does what ever Spider pig does. Can he swing, from a web, No he can’t, cause he’s a pig. Look out!!, He is the Spider Pig.

Listen, Mr. Kansas Law Dog. Law don’t go around here. Savvy?

I gotta tell you something. I’m really excited about it. Uh, for the first time, today, I woke up, I came to the store, and I – I feel confident to say to you that if you don’t take this Michael McDonald DVD – that you’ve been playing for two years straight – off, I’m going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain!

Hawaiian Shirt Day, so feel free to go ahead and wear your Hawaiian shirt… and jeans.

What am I supposed to say? I went to magic camp. I am an accomplished ventriloquist. I am a seventh-degree imperial yo-yo master. Oh do me yo-yo master I want you to do me ‘cause you’re the yo-yo guy.

What are they doin’?
Saying goodbye in their own way. Playing outlawed tunes on outlawed pipes.

Man got to make a livin somehow. Dying ain’t much of a livin, boy.

You can’t forget this, all right? You got to call them a fag, okay? The game loses all its meaning if you don’t humiliate them for being a fucking meat gazer, you got that?

YOUR WELCOME FOR RUINING ALL PRODUCTIVITY BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Hippies there everywhere. They want to save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad!!!

i couldn’t help but notice our waitress, and i got to thinkin, about, what, type of panties she might be wearing…. now, odds are they’re, you know, white cotton haynes. but i was thinkin, you know, what if, what if they’re not. what if she’s got a thong on, or bikini style briefs, or maybe she’s got somthin new that i dont even know about yet…. oh what? i thought this was the trust tree? is this not the trust tree…?

You’re so F-in money…

you DO get your weed from me Mr. Cheesel…

I’m talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That’s what I’m talking about. I’m talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that’s what I’m talking about. I’m talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?
If these two men are gay then I’m a one-legged parrot. Anybody see me with a crutch and a cracker? And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transexual, omnisexual or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a ballon, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people.

when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur, I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world, I made my arms short and I roamed the back yard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared, everybody knew me and was afraid of me, and one day my dad said “Bobby you are 17, it’s time to throw childish things aside” and I said “OK Pop”, but he didn’t really say that he said that “Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job”.
__________________

A whole mess of nachos sounds real good right now.

you done messed with my boy, and now you about to get tasered.

Its a movie. Won an Academy Award. For pretty much the best movie ever made.

No one’s ever gonna find you…go to sleep…shhhh…

Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s’mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap’n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on ’em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.

AND BAKE! that just happened! Did that blow your mind? Woo! Do it again! SHAKE AND BAKE!

f- callin the police, i’m calling domino’s

ev’ry now and then I get a little bit closer and I see the f-in look in your eyes…

It’s good, listen. The Magic Man. Now you see me…Now you don’t! I’m gonna have a car that poops little real bunny rabbits on the track!

You’r gonna have realy rabbits, on the track? That’s stupid!

You know it’s a good idea Ricky Bobby!

yeah, you’re right, that’s a cool idea.

MAGIC MAN and EL DIABLO!

i know this isn’t your job but would you do me a favor and please take this and go pick up this order for me? i need it post haste.
sure thing scientist. know i know this isn’t your job, but finish moppin the rest of this sh*t up for me…

for french fries and mayonnaise sir!

littering and…littering and…littering and….littering, and smokin’ the r**fer…

Soccer style kicker graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname “The Mule,” the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American.

Mr Finkle:Are you another one of those “Hard Copy” guys?

Ace: No sir, I’m just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland.

she out ranks you danny,

i want to tell you something and listen up cause i really mean this, you’re the luckiest man in the world. There is
nothing on this earth sexier, believe me gentlemen, than a woman you have to salute in the morning. promote
them all i say, cause this is true, if you havent gotten a BJ from a superior officer then well..you’re just letting the
best in life pass you by. Of course my problem is, i’m a colonel, so i’ll just have to go on taking cold showers
instead. Until they elect some gal president. Take caution in your tone commander, i’m a fair guy but this f’n heat is making me absolutely crazy. you want to ask me about code reds on the record i tell you i discourage the practice in accordance with the commanders directive, Off the record i tell you it is an invaluable part of close infantry training, and if it happens to go on without my knowledge so be it. I run my unit like how i run my unit! You want to investigate me roll the dice and take your chances. I EAT BREAKFAST 300 YARDS FROM 4000 CUBANS WHO ARE TRAINED TO KILL ME, SO DONT THINK FOR ONE SECOND YOU CAN COME DOWN HERE, FLASH A BADGE, AND MAKE ME NERVOUS.

Are probably shaking their heads right about now..

First principles, Clarice. Simplicity. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does he do, this man you seek?
He kills women…
No. That is incidental. What is the first and principal thing he does? What needs does he serve by killing?
Anger, um, social acceptance, and, huh, sexual frustrations, sir…
No! He covets. That is his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Clarice? Do we seek out things to covet? Make an effort to answer now.
No. We just…
No. We begin by coveting what we see every day. Don’t you feel eyes moving over your body, Clarice? And don’t your eyes seek out the things you want?

I love Scotch! Down down it goes, down into my belly…

Oh it’s so hot! Milk was a bad choice!

to a nice seafood dinner and NEVER call her again!

But don’t worry, there are no stupid answer, just stupid people.

You’re an imposter! You smell like beef and cheese, you don’t smell like Santa.

when your ship comes in, and you’ve got the stockmarket beat. But a man worth while, is the man who can smile, when his shorts arent to tight in the seat!

First, when you see gum on the street, don’t eat it. It’s not free candy.

Second, there are like 30 Ray’s Pizzas, but the real one is on 51st and 9th…

Finally, well Buddy, it’s about your Dad. He’s on…the naughty list!

I know him!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

hello

Zero point two,

Fat, Drunk and Stupid is no way to go through life son.

must be a southpole elf. Do you need a hug?

if that’s not love I don’t know what is.

Ron, are you paying attention?
Nope
Well this concerns all of us.
ok
Ron, do you know what Diversity is?
Well, I may be wrong, but Diversity is an old wooden ship used during the civil war era.Ron, I would be surprised if the network was worried about our lack of an old wooden ship.

Brian Fantana: That was some crazy party. I am hungover.
Champ Kind: Tell me about. I mean I woke up and I shit a squirrel. I mean it. Literally. And the hell of it is- the damn thing’s still alive. So now I got this shit-covered squirrel sittin’ down in the office. Don’t know what to name it.
Brick Tamland: Sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

Mr. Harken, this city needs its news. And you are going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts? Now, I am gonna go on, and if you want to try and stop me, bring it on. Because I am good at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news. I’ve already done one of those today, so what’s the other one gonna be? Huh?

 I’m Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we’ve both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven’t, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I’ll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.

 I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am. You’re just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It’s science.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.

No, there’s no way that’s correct.
I’m sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don’t know what it means. I’ll be honest, I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego?
No. No.

No, that’s – that’s what it means. Really.
 Agree to disagree.

The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh… Ching… King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can’t do that he’s a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.

Why don’t you just go back to Whore Island.

Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?
I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You’re in the backseat.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, why am I holding this 30 pound cinder block in my hands? You might also ask yourself, why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?

She’s a beauty, ain’t she?
Yeah, what kind of gun is this?
It’s a tranquilizer gun. If any of these little suckers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain’t that right
Hey, hey. Careful with that. That’s the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico.
Cool.
Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from.
[Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart]
YES! That’s awesome!
What?
You just took one in the jugular, man.
What? I did.
YES!
Oh my god. Is this bad? Is this bad?
You better pull that shit out man. That shit is not cool.
Wait. What? Pull what out? You’re… you’re crazy man. I like you, but you’re crazy.

How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don’t commit to a relative unless you’re absolutely positive they have a pulse.

someday the people of this village might have to face el guapo, we might as well do it now

In a way, all of us have an el guapo to face someday.

For some, shyness might be their el guapo.

For others, a lack of education might be there el guapo.

For us, el guapo is a big dangerous guy that wants to kill us.

But as sured as my name is Lucky Dave, the people of Santa Polko can conquor there own personal el guapo, who also happens to be the actual el guapo.

Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.

and told him about this. He is officially scared! HA HA HA HA where is Comer?

…use the word “trapped”?

Huh?

Why do you say you feel “trapped” in a woman’s body?

Well, sometimes I gets the menstrual cramps real hard.

She hasn’t returned your phone calls, she hasn’t responded to any of your letters, she didn’t respond to the candygram. God knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. ‘Cause she didn’t keep it, and I know you’re not raising the goddamn thing. I think it’s very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.

…there was no meat to be found, we ate frog. When there was no frog, we ate crawdad. And when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.

You ate what?

We ate sand.

You ate sand?

That’s right.

…my butt. People pay good money for that?

…H.I. I know you’re partial to convenience stores…but the sun don’t rise and set on the corner grocery.

Claire’s mom just made me grab her hooters.
Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
I wasn’t crying like a little girl.
Why don’t you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What’d you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
[makes sputtering motorboat noise]
You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?
What’s wrong with you?
What do you mean “what’s wrong with me?” What’s wrong with you?
No, what’s wrong with you?
No, what’s wrong with you? You’re projecting!
Drop it.
You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don’t you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.

it wasn’t cotton candy like the guy said….my stomachs itchy.

…which’n is it, young feller? You want me to freeze? Or you want me to drop? ‘Cause if’n I freeze, I can’t rightly drop…and if’n I drop, Ima gonna be in motion, you see….

I might post some more tonight but i doubt it! Yall have a great Christmas!

…you’re OK…that there’s what it is!

Oh…turn left here, honey.

…you got a panty on your head.

You just drive fast old timer.

…man bruise on the inside…they don’t show they weaknesses. But you wouldn’t know that ‘cause you a big Barry White lookin’ muthaf’er.

…been puttin’ out they Kools on my floor?

…Kyle quit the band…but now we’re back together. Misunderstanding…didn’t understand…(doesn’t matter)…now we’re back together again, sha-la-la-la-la-la…. Couldn’t split up Kato and Nash (that’s true). Couldn’t split up Tango and Cash. This is our song of exalting joy, because…we just came to kick some a$$…rock the f’ing house, and kick some a$$…what we gonna do with all the cash? Smoke hash! And then we thrash! We’ll throw a big ole bash, y’all…. And everyone is invited to the bash…And everyone, you’re all invited to the bash (eeyohohohohohoh) C’mon Kyle, one time, c’mon.

but compared to my mother you’re a fart in a hurricane.

…come out to play-i-yay….

there just a flippin and a floppin.

Well…I can make a hat, or a broach, or a pterodactyl….

I’m the dude playin’ the dude disguised as another dude. Hut!

when a man dressed up like a bat gets all my airtime!!!

THIS TOWN NEEDS AN ENEMA…

I’ve been to prison once, I’ve been married – twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 21/2 years for no reason. I’ve had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that’s never gonna heal. I’ve seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this!

Without your four fried chickens, without your dry white toast, and WITHOUT Mad Guitar Murphy.

I’m ready, man, check it out. I am the ultimate badass! State of the badass art! You do NOT wanna fuck with me. Check it out! Hey Ripley, don’t worry. Me and my squad of ultimate badasses will protect you! Check it out! Independently targeting particle beam phalanx. Vwap! Fry half a city with this puppy. We got tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, RPGs, we got sonic electronic ball breakers! We got nukes, we got knives, sharp sticks

…a cream-dream.

I didnt mean to. Please continue. You were saying something about best intentions.

What’s the matter? Ooh, you were finished. Well allow me to retort. What does Marsellas Wallace look like?

what?

What country you from?

wha what?

What aint no country i ever heard of, they speak English in what?

what?

English MF’ER, do you speak it!

yes

Then you know what i’m saying? Describe what Marcellas Wallace looks like!

whwhwhwhat

Say what again! Say what again, I dare ya, i double dare ya MF’a, Say what one more GD time.

he he’s black

Go on!

he’s bald

Does he look like a bitch?

what(gunshot)

Does He Look Like A Bitch?

noooo

Then why did you try to F… him like a bitch, brett

i didnt

yes you did, Yes You Did, brett, you tried to f… him, and Marcellas Wallace dont like to be f… by anybody but Mrs. Wallace. You read the bible brett?

yes

Well there’s this passage, Ezekiel 25:17, the path of the rychous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness. for he is truly his brothers keeper, and the finder of lost children.

And i will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and fffuuurious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother, and you will know my name is the Lord, when i lay my vengeance upon thee.

Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM! ROOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL TTTIIIIIDDDDDEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waterboy!

only for a moment but the moment’s gone….duuuuuuuuuuuuust in the wind…all we are are dust in the wind…You’re my boy Blue, you’re my boy!

Oh, let’s see what Uncle Frank got you for your birthday.

I hope you like it.

Uh, Frank, a bread maker? I gave you this for your wedding present.

Oh, man, I’m so embarassed.

I hope you like it.

I love it. It’s great.

eat my rubber!

Kid: Look what I have. An Advent calendar.
Willie: What the heII is that?
Kid: It’s the story of Christmas, but in a calendar. Every day you peel open a new box. You get part of the story. And then there’s a chocolate inside. Do you want to open up today’s box and read it?
Willie: No. You go ahead. Jesus Christ, kid. Watch the nuts.
Kid: ‘’So Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem, the town of David. In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. Everyone went to his hometown to register.’’
Willie: That it?
Kid: Yep.
Willie: That’s an awesome fucking story, kid.

Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Is your house on fire, Clark?
No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol?

Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn’t have done that.

Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?

Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn’t have brought presents.

Oh, I was just smelling – smiling. I was just blouse – browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn’t… Oh hee hee, it wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they – HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn’t it?

You have your coat on.

Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

Sir, one more outburst from you and I will strangle you with my microphone wire.

Is that how you want to play it? Cause I’ll play it like that. I’ll play it like Lionel Richie, all night long, lady. Oh yeah. I’ll call some guys from my neck of the woods. And we’re not talking about, Brooke, about a couple of queens who know a few grapples. We’re talking about Polacks that don’t have a goddamn future. That’s right. We can make shit real uncomfortable around here, and that’s what we’re going to do.

What the hell are you doing?
IM KICKING MY ASS!!!!!

and Happy New Year too…..

Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin’ pretty serious.

Keep the change you filthy animal!

and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anybody like me”. And I was thinking, God I hope not, because I don’t want you, so I sure don’t want anybody like you.

said something about me never listening, I dunno I wasn’t really paying attention.

to break 300! Don’t do it for me, do it for SPARTA!

I want the truth!!

The day that I sell out my countrymen, will be the day that I put a bullet through my own head.

have you seen my baseball?

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Sonny, true love is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT – mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe

good?…bad?….I’m the guy with the gun…

with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. The bartender says “Guess you wont be needing a drink.” The naked lady says….oh ssshh***t

Life is like that. Sometimes at the height of our reveries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

Some men are Baptists, others Catholics. My father was an Oldsmobile man.

…my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in suspension over Lake Michigan.

…pickin’ goobers?

…a pink nightmare.

Hey…yous…guys…..

We were young once……..

Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland’s house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it’s THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can’t hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you’re my bitch.

Lois: Oh, I haven’t been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Lawyer: Peter, Sarah has decided to press sexual harrasssment charges against you.
Peter: Sarah…Is that the one we video taped taking a dump?

300 Bitches!!!!

…El Guapo, or I’ll fill you so full of lead you’ll be able to use your d*%k for a pencil.

…buttercup…has the sweetest smile….

…you’ve killed the invisible swordsman.

…have anything besides Mexican food?

…to continue working for free, Mr. Flugelman.

Look up here! Look up here!

…I have a plethora of pinatas?

…do you know what foreplay is?

No….

Good. Neither does El Guapo.

…we could take a walk, and you could kiss me on the veranda.

Dusty: Lips would be fine.

…we will die like dogs.

El Guapo: You will die like dogs.

Dusty: No…. We will fight like lions!

…Carmen…which one do you like?

I like the one who is not so smart.

Which one is that?

…very old one…sew like the wind.

…about the Cochise picture Morty.

…and said, “Young man…you have got it.” And…whew. Dorothy Gish. True story.

Mr. Stay Puff is okay, he’s a sailor, he’s in New York. We get this guy laid, we won’t have any trouble.

came home Christmas Eve and caught me watching a movie. Elf? No. Christmas Vacation? Nope. A Christmas Story? Not close. I was watching Anchorman. She asked what the hell, to which I replied by showing her this thread. She has since banned me from hanging with Comer. I slapped her and said naw bitch I do what I want.

that invented the wheel, and built the Eifel Tower out of Brawn and Steel…

We’ve captured every major demographic!

That is Fantastic! Neato gang!

Breaking News just came across the desk! Everyone, stop what you’re doing and pay attention!

CANNONBALL!!!!

you can take it or just let it go…You have a fantastic…Hiney. I mean it, that thing’s good…

No Mr Bond, I expect you to die! (Bond marathon)

A voice that would make a wolverine purr…

With suits that make Sinatra look like a hobo…

“I look good. Everyone! Come see how good I look!”

Lanolin? Lano…Lanolin? Like sheep’s wool?

Shaken, not stirred.

That’s bush. That’s bush league! If you were a man I would punch you right in the kisser.

A real blonde jap girl!

I do! I do! I want a mustache ride!

Foster!

Hey farver, what’s that place you like to hang out at with the mozeralla sticks and all the goofy shit on the walls?

You mean Shenanigans?

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

for Queen and country.

A man’s just got to his limitations…….

I had ribs for lunch. That’s what that is.

To hell with fellows, buzards got to eat, same as the worms.

Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man

Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I’ll sure miss her… I guess you could say that about all my girls.