Your Friday MARK INGRAM Ten Presents...
by Todd on Oct 23, 2009 7:15 AM CDT
34 comments
...ten incontrovertible truths about Mark Ingram.
1. Mark Ingram can boil water with the power of his stare. Ingram got the idea after seeing Firestarter on cable at the age of seven and, after three weeks of practice, was able to bring a full stock pot to a rolling boil within 30 seconds.
2. It was actually Mark Ingram who produced The Grey Album. Though DJ Danger Mouse is universally credited for the Jay-Z/Beatles mash-up, it was Ingram who conceived the idea and did all the mixing. Though Ingram knew his work would inevitably be hailed as a stroke of genius and create huge publicity for himself, he instead sent it to Danger Mouse out of a desire to distance himself from both the Beatles, who he considers overrated, and Jay-Z, his romantic rival for the affections of Beyonce. This also explains why Gnarls Barkley, the much hyped Danger Mouse follow up, kinda sucks.
3. Wes Anderson's Rushmore is a highly fictionalized retelling of a real love triangle involving Mark Ingram, Eva Mendes, and Willem Dafoe. Eva still calls.
4. Mark Ingram is behind Steve Spurrier's complaints over the use of tape on place kicks and piped in music. Not satisfied with his on the field humiliation of Spurrier and the Gamecocks, Ingram decided to use his powers of mind control to make Spurrier seem petty and small in defeat as well.
5. Mark Ingram once prepared a full seven course meal for a stray dog. The dog hasn't required food since.
6. Mark Ingram's body is so efficient that he does not produce waste. He does, however, still excuse himself to the restroom to read and avoid awkward social situations.
7. At age 12 Mark Ingram performed a flawless rendtion of Elgar's Cello Concerto in E Minor, despite having never touched a single musical instrument previously (or since).
8. In a previous life Mark Ingram was a tank serving in Patton's Third Army, and took place in the rescue of the 101st Airborne division that was surrounded by German forces at Bastogne. Though the Airborne troops famously claimed afterwards that they didn't need rescuing from the Nazis, what they didn't admit was that they needed rescuing from Mark Ingram who, when set to "kill", no longer possesses the ability to tell friend from foe. It is his only known design flaw.
9. Mark Ingram bench presses ice cream trucks to stay in shape during the offseason. This disappoints Coach Saban, who knows he can do better.
10. Alabama's "Wildcat" package has several designed pass plays, though Ingram is no longer allowed to run them. The property damage and loss of life becamse too much during spring practice.
Leave us your Mark Ingram Ten in the comments below.
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Tim Tebow wears Mark Ingram underwear...
A little known fact that has Urban Meyer at a loss for sleep. Tebow was quoted as saying, “When I wear it I feel like I can jump pass greater than any jump passer in the history of the world, Craig.” When asked why he called the reporter Craig when his name was, in fact, John, Tebow responded, “Teebo…you just got knocked the F*** out.”
Roll Tide!!
by touncy28 on Oct 23, 2009 7:28 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
not just the city...
but the woooorld Craig.
by BigChief on Oct 23, 2009 7:32 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Awkard Moment
Mark Ingram once ran out of bounds just to see what it felt like.
by 13isNext on Oct 23, 2009 7:36 AM CDT reply actions 1 recs
Ingram, the best damn salesman in the staff
Mark Ingram was the secret missle deployed to destroy the Deathstar in all the Star Wars movies.
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." - Bear Bryant
by NJBammer on Oct 23, 2009 8:16 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Mark Ingram was not actually born here on earth.
Rumor has it that his parents followed a shooting star that fell to the earth on 01/26/1983. When his parents found the crash site they found Mark wrapped in a houndstooth blanket with a note, “He shall deliver the faithful to the promised land” PWB
Auburn fans are like slinkys... not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
by IHC800 on Oct 23, 2009 8:16 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Mark Ingram doesn't always drink beer.
But when he does, he prefers Dos Equis.
Stay thirsty, #22.
by Nick's Hat Band on Oct 23, 2009 8:17 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Chuck Norris..
..tells Mark Ingram jokes.
by refoy009 on Oct 23, 2009 8:20 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Chuck Norris does NOT tell Mark Ingram jokes...
…Chuck Norris is smart enough to know that Mark Ingram jokes end in Mark Ingram at your door. He hears all.
Roll Bama Roll - The Champagne of Bama Blogs.
by Todd on Oct 23, 2009 8:27 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
On a bet, Mark Ingram once put on a blindfold and allowed himself to be waterboarded.
Thirty minutes into the ordeal, he said, “hey guys, if we can get started soon, it would be good for me. I’ve got practice in about an hour.”
by Nick's Hat Band on Oct 23, 2009 8:30 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
1. Mark Ingram does not have to fall down when tackled. He simply does so in order to make the opposing players feel better about themselves.
2. Mark Ingram killed Voldemort but, ever the humble servant of man, gave Harry Potter the credit.
3. Coach Saban once allowed Mark Ingram to go bowling with other players. He ended up scoring a 400.
4. If allowed to run perpetually inside an electric turbine, Mark Ingram could power the USA without breaking a sweat.
5. Chuck Norris lost a foot race to Mark Ingram.
6. The real answer to the meaning of life is 22, not the originally perceived 42.
7. The Government’s Star Wars plan consists of two words: Mark and Ingram.
8. Mark Ingram’s amps all go to 12.
9. Mark Ingram gave Superman flying lessons.
10. Usain Bolt wears Mark Ingram underwear.
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by tlozwarlock on Oct 23, 2009 8:37 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
#6 and #8...
freakin’ hilarious
by Queen of the Universe on Oct 23, 2009 12:08 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
@ # 2
Harry Potter, and not Mark Ingram, did actually play the quittage match, however, because Mark Ingram refuses to play a game that involves the word “quit.”
I bleed crimson and white...I puke Vol puke orange. RTR
by SugarBowl93 on Oct 23, 2009 4:16 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Mark Ingram is the only person Coach Saban trusts to deliver his Little Debbies to him.
by Bubba Chang on Oct 23, 2009 8:37 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
HA!!!
very very funny :)
by Queen of the Universe on Oct 23, 2009 12:02 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Mark Ingram is the solution to the healthcare crisis in America...
… for his blood carries the antibodies for all known diseases.
by mavant4 on Oct 23, 2009 8:59 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Unfortunately...
…his skin can’t be pierced.
Roll Bama Roll - The Champagne of Bama Blogs.
by Todd on Oct 23, 2009 10:03 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Except by his own fingernail,
which he gladly used to start the IV which led to perfect health and live for millions for generations to come.
I bleed crimson and white...I puke Vol puke orange. RTR
by SugarBowl93 on Oct 23, 2009 11:02 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
* Life
I bleed crimson and white...I puke Vol puke orange. RTR
by SugarBowl93 on Oct 23, 2009 11:02 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Upon hearing the news of his domination of the Gamecocks, the Heisman trophy was noticed standing at attention as Ingram’s highlights played on TV. One person thought they heard it say, “I wish I could win the Mark Ingram Trophy.”
I bleed crimson and white...I puke Vol puke orange. RTR
by SugarBowl93 on Oct 23, 2009 9:01 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
The Heisman also had this to say on the possibility
of Mark Ingram winning it- “I’m not worthy.”
Meanwhile, the Crystal Football was quoted as saying, “I can’t wait to be paraded around the Rose Bowl by Mark Ingram!”
by yellowhammer on Oct 23, 2009 10:04 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
1. Mark Ingram is the actual father of all your children, and none of you would have it any other way.
2. Mark Ingram’s gym bag doubles as a tandoori oven.
3. Mark Ingram defeated the Spanish Armada all by himself.
4. Mark Ingram invented ceiling fans. He says ’you’re welcome.’
5. Mark Ingram will gather your mail and feed your cat while you’re on vacation. He’s just that kind of neighbor.
6. Mark Ingram can look at a solar eclipse without blinking.
7. Mark Ingram once made a goat out of saltine crackers…and brought it to life.
8. Mark Ingram is the best concert you’ve ever been to.
9. Mark Ingram is a better sportswriter than anyone that writes about him.
10. When Mark Ingram sings “Remember the Rose Bowl we’ll win then,” he really really means it.
by Nico2.0 on Oct 23, 2009 10:50 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Mark Ingram is a better sportswriter than anyone that writes about him.
I actually think that is true of most athletes, no matter how smart or intellectually lacking they are.
I bleed crimson and white...I puke Vol puke orange. RTR
by SugarBowl93 on Oct 23, 2009 11:01 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
When Mark Ingram hurdles a defender
He doesn’t jump, he pushes the Earth down.
36-0
by Bamabrave4 on Oct 23, 2009 11:24 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Mark Ingram does not eat. He is sufficiently nourished by the fear of his opponents.
Many D-1 schools are now considering changing their mascot to the Mark Ingrams.
Delaware’s method of execution involves the convict attempting to tackle Mark Ingram in the open field.
Iran is ditching its efforts to create the atomic bomb, as it now trying to recreate something much more devastating: the Mark Ingram stiffarm.
"There's a lot of blood, sweat, and guts between dreams and success" - Coach Bryant
by TopDaddy on Oct 23, 2009 2:30 PM CDT via mobile reply actions 0 recs
Mark Ingram once fumbled the ball in a game b/c of sheer boredom...
He then dared anyone on the opposing team to pick the ball up. The ball laid there for 1 hour and thirty-seven until the refs called delay of game on the opposing team for fear of irritating Mark Ingram.
by String30 on Oct 23, 2009 2:37 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Mark Ingram bottles his on sweat...
it is known by the name Patron.
by String30 on Oct 23, 2009 2:39 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
The three wisemen were originally to present to baby Jesus the gifts of gold, frankenscense, and Mark Ingram, but after much protest from the other two, the third wiseman agreed to downgrade his gift to myrrh, making the others gifts seem sufficient in comparison.
"There's a lot of blood, sweat, and guts between dreams and success" - Coach Bryant
by TopDaddy on Oct 23, 2009 3:01 PM CDT via mobile reply actions 0 recs
The Mark Ingram Ten:
1. 
2. 
3. 
4. 
5. 
6. 
7. 
8. 
9. 
10. 
"High standards come from passion within...." --Coach Nick Saban
by NiceLittleSaturday on Oct 23, 2009 3:04 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Breaking News
NASA has created the most efficient jet fuel known to man derived entirely from Mark Ingram’s sweat
"We hate Auburn b/c we have to, we hate Tennessee b/c we want to" - Unknown Bama player
by Thomas Walker Esq on Oct 23, 2009 3:24 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
More Mark Ingram Incontrovertible Truths:
12) Mark Ingram’s legs are made of sinewy steel cables. He runs circles around the 6-million dollar man for practice in using them.
11) Mark Ingram was the lightening that hit Ben Franklin’s kite. He decided he was tired of zooming around the universe, so he decided to come down and join us mortals for a while.
10) Mark Ingram turned down a scholarship offer to join the All-Time Best Collegiate Athletes Team. He explained to the football gods that he wanted to play for Saban and Alabama for a while before accepting that honor.
09) Mark Ingram was the compass on Chris Columbus’ ship, the Santa Maria. He said he wanted to bring people to the New World so that college football could be eventually created. And by the way, Mark Ingram also walks on water.
08) In addition number 8 above, when he got around to it on one of his days off from being Mark Ingram, he invented college football.
07) John Heisman wanted to come back from the dead and rename his namesake award “the Ingram”, but Mark told him to just leave it as it is. He humbly explained that he will be getting so many awards in the future named after him, he does not need this one too.
06) Mark Ingram landed on the moon with the Apollo astronauts. It was the “one giant leap for mankind” part that NASA needed his help with.
05) Mark Ingram’s actual middle name is “Houndstooth”.
04) Mark Ingram can fly. He chooses not to show off this ability, as he does not want to create an unfair advantage, or trouble for the Tide, by admitting that he is actually Superman.
03) Mark Ingram was supposed to be carved into Mount Rushmore. The creator of that auspicious sculpture, Gutzon Borglum, reported that he could not find enough left over space to carve out Mark’s image.
02) When gold was discovered in ancient times, the discoverer, because he could not spell, called what he had found an “ingot”. He was actually meaning to call it an “Ingram”.
And, the #1 incontrovertible truth about Mark Ingram:
01) Mark Ingram is the reality of domination coming back to the Bama Nation.
by BamaJack15 on Oct 23, 2009 10:34 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
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