Here’s a them and a few other SEC teams (I know I’m not as good a writer as that guy but I can play too, can’t I?):

Florida: The head cheerleader who is stuck on herself, but is still just so hot she can get away with it. If you’re dating her, you throw your chest out even if she bosses you around and orders your dinner for you. Just having her on your arm is worth the fact that you’ve lost all your friends because she’s just a little too much to take sometimes. You wouldn’t start with her if you weren’t already dating her, but since you are you’re gonna keep in that saddle as long as possible.

Auburn: The girl who cleans up nice once in a while, but sometimes she shows up at your party wearing sweats and sporting a pony while all your friend’s girls have short skirts and low cut blouses. And when you ask her to change, she rolls her eyes, plops down on the sofa, and starts eating cheetoes. You keep her around because dammit, you KNOW she can look great if she can just get her act together. Maybe you’ll give her another year.

Ole Miss: Your friend’s sister you agreed to date out of pity. She turned out at the front door, and suddenly you realized she grew up nice, and you start to have hope for a great evening. Then, as the evening progresses, she doesn’t drink, doesn’t like to dance, hates the places you take her, has no personality, and can’t walk in heels. You have to stick it out, but secretly you’re counting the seconds until this nightmare of a date is over. You privately dread seeing your friend again, and go out of your way to avoid him for weeks, even months, afterwards.

that must konw something about the asundry mysteries of life, but seems inable to articulate her knowledge or apply these lessons in everyday life. Her interminable attempts to convince you that The Bell Jar was a seminal literary event and her love of progressive Kraut rock are perfectly balanced by her willingness to watch cartoons and submit to your imaginative bodily lusts. When sane, she can make you feel special, privileged and above the mundane.

Privately, you suspect she plays Magic and Guild Wars on the sly.