I won't lie and say that I really know much about Alabama football. I know you're really fucking good, I know that you may yet play the Hawkeyes in a BCS game (assuming they don't occupy the kids' table with Boise State), I know you can be found on any given Saturday afternoon on CBS, and that you may yet play for the national title game (to be decided after a grueling fucking conference championship game to be played against the Florida Tebows). I also know what I skimmed from the Wikipedia page about the Crimson Tide that you are one of the oldest and most storied programs in college football, rich with tradition and rivalries, and so on and so forth.
I don't give a shit about any of it. All I want from Alabama is one thing, and that is to thoroughly embarass Auburn.
Seriously, I want Auburn to look like a fucking Div III school out there. I want them laughed off that goddamn field, demoralized and embarassed heading to a bowl game.
Look, I know most of you have no idea where Ames, Iowa is. Iowa State University is a small university in the middle of fucking nowhere who only gets to stay in the Big XII because of our wrestling program and that one time we stumbled into the Elite 8 in basketball. Most of the guys on our team wouldn't even make Alabama's second string, because it's hard to recruit when it's an average temperature of about 10 degrees outside on senior day. We muddle through the mess that is the Big XII north and one time when two other teams tied at 4-4 in the conference with us we managed to snag a share of a division title once.
Anyway, we managed to scrape together 6 wins this season, and are likely headed to the weedwhacker bowl in Shreveport. And we want a piece of Auburn, and we need you to embarass them so that they'll fall as far as the second-to-last-team taken from the SEC.
Basically, for the last two years, Auburn's current coach (Chizik) was our head football coach. And while I can't begrudge the man for grabbing his dream job at Auburn, the way he left was pretty douche-y. To top it off, when he got to Auburn, he fired all the coordinators, including Paul Rhoads.... who is an Iowan native, and is now the 1st year head coach of the Cyclones, and quickly becoming beloved by both fans and players alike.
What better way to get revenge on the guy who fired you than to kick his ass on national television?
So please, from all of us in Iowa to all of you in Alabama,