I was a gator fan when I was a kid.

Could have stopped there….

Then I found Jesus.

I think Todd owes the football gods a preemptive sacrifice of a pork brains/vegemite milkshake. Play like a champion, Todd.

I’m missing the game to go to a company Christmas Party.

If there was any way out… but there’s not…

Woke up naked…in an oak tree. About 20 feet above the ground. Long story.

I once, after losing an ill-advised bet, had to wear my then-girlfriend’s undergarments for a full day of classes. Let’s just leave it at that.

my CB handle, which I was quite proud of, was the wiennie eater.

I REALLY want to win this game.

was Bush because of my stupid permed bob haircut. My "friends’ thought it was hysterical.

I may have had a (small) role in the procurement of certain illicit psychaldelic substances for a certain coach’s son in exchange for a signed football, whereupon said coach’s wife found out about said son’s substance(s) use and sent said son to rehab shortly thereafter. Football Gods, please take my admission as a willing sacrifice unto Thee

Gottcha.

This one is not safe for the eyes or ears, but Good Lord, do I want a win on Saturday…

In my prepubescent days, I was desperate to see some type of female parts in any way I could. So being the genius that I was, I figured out that we had a pay-per-view channel that broadcast dirty movies. However, it didn’t come in clear at all, was quite snowy and would constantly flicker. This didn’t stop me.

So one night after my parents went to bed, I had that urge. The problem was I didn’t have a TV in my room and I had to settle for the TV in my living room. I sneak in and I tune into the PPV channel. Awesome. I think I can see a boob or two, maybe some more goods.

Suddenly, I hear someone coming down the hall from my parents bedroom. Oh sht! I try to pull up my pants and change the channel at the same time, unsuccessfully. I’m falling on the floor trying to get my pants up from around my ankles as quickly as possible when my mom walks in, realizes what’s going on, and I receive the biggest lecture on ungodliness of my life.

Most awkward situation of my life and one of the most embarrassing. We better win!

This guy I went to school with had a video camera. I borrowed it, and to mess with him I recorded a bunch of stupid, embarrassing stuff (was partially drunk). Come to find out later that it wasn’t actually the dude’s camera… It was the girl’s father’s camera.

…from the year’s ‘83-’86…wait for it…I was an AUB. I know, I know, it is most shameful. I was 12 when this sorry period of my life took place. After Bryant died, I temporarily lost my connection with BAMA . To a young lad, Bryant WAS BAMA. I also hated Perkins. Met Bryant on two occasions and he was generous with a young kid. Perkins was an a-hole when I met him. I also had been to AU’s campus just prior to my straying. These are my only excuses for my temporary insanity. What actually makes this worse, my brother’s senior season with BAMA was under Perkins. So for one year, while my brother was on the team, I pulled for the enemy. I came back to my senses for the ’86 season and never even thought about straying again. I can only hope that St Peter does not cite this as an unforgivable sin. Yes, I want this game os, so badly to dreg this admission out into the light of day.

how do boogers actually taste?

I absolutely hated watching Tyler Watts play for Bama b/c i played at Thompson the same years he played at Pelham our rivals and it royally pissed me off he went there. I am also embarrassed that i found great pleasure in the predicament he found himself in while he was there. One should never put self over team :( sorry.

On a trip to Mexico, I became VERY ill. The local doc gave me a shot to stop the projectile vomiting. He said the shot would work for about 4-6 hours and gave me some yellow capsules to take after that for back up. I fell asleep in the plane and the flight to Dallas landed about 6 hours after the shot. I was feeling pretty queasy, so I took 2 of the yellow capsules and disembarked. In the airport, I was feeling worse while standing in line with hundreds of people. I approached the Customs agent (in his nice black uniform) and asked him if I could get out of line to go to the eladies room because I felt sick. He bellowed at me to get back in line and that no one could go anywhere until clearing customs. His raised voice had drawn all eyes to me as I involuntarily shot a stream of yellow vomit right down the front of his formerly black uniform. He reversed his decision and allowed me out of line and the hundred or so spectators were quiet, until they all started laughing.

Next, I will spend the game in the James Martin Natatorium, (yes, Auburn’s) where the AHSAA high school championship swim meet will be taking place and my daughter will be swimming. God loves irony.

I went to school in white shorts with white and purple-striped underwear underneath. People followed me around snickering until lunch, when a teacher spotted what was happening and sent me to the office. My mom worked farther away than my dad, so he had to leave his job as DC of a hospital to go home and get me some less see-through shorts.

I always tell people my first concert was to see Nirvana and the breeders at Boutwell Auditorium while that was my first rock show my first concert in fact was a new kids on the block show. The second one was Baak Gwai the other band I was in for a while was playing at zydeco in Birmingham with Bobby Bear Jr and the Walkmen. It was a big show and I was really amped for it. I got off work and had to Hurry to get up there for sound check so I ran home a grabed a t-shirt off the floor and hit the road. Get there sound check start getting really nervous a start to drink. Its almost time for us to play and I realize that I am still wearing my work shirt so I run to the van and get my “cool” t-shirt . I slap that on and hit the stage and when we get done we are back stage and one of the other bands ask me what happened with my shirt. Perplexed I look down and it looks like there in snot all over it and I think where did all this snot com from and thats when the gears start turning. That shirt had been on the bed and it was the victim of a heavy dose of man Spackle and then was brushed to the floor. So I played this show at a packed house with a shirt that looked more like a money shoot at the end of a porn then a t-shirt. The guys never let me live that down.

Many of them are in poses, like you’d see in a XXX magazine, and there are others that just focus on her butt. We also have movies.

Anyway, being the perverts that we are, we watch a lot of videos and I have sent her pictures to some well known lesbian pornstars so they could evaluate my wife and her assets. Only one of the pornstars replied and she expressed a lot of interest in my wife, but I have not yet told my wife this.

This is one reason I am slightly uncomfortable when her parents come to visit. If only they knew their daughter had married a sexual deviant what we did for fun.

Sadly, the story above is only the tip of the iceberg.

And I was stone cold sober. :-) (but they were ALL in the 70’s)

When I was a freshman at Southern Miss, a group of my friends decided to rent out a hotel (motel) room for my 19th birthday. Hattiesburg is a terribly boring town, and while I could drink at the bars, I was pretty much over it. As the night ran in to the midnight hours, me and all my friends were pretty trashed, as college freshman often get. Since my friends were all pretty much done, I had began talking to some guys staying in the room next to us, who were in town working and were looking for a good bar to go to. I rounded up the last of my two friends who were still standing and we headed out. I had made the mistake of mentioning to the out of town gentleman that it was my birthday…being a minor, I told them that it was my 21st. So they told everyone in the bar, and the bartender asked me what my favorite shot was. To this day I do not know why…but my answer was tequila. I dont know how many shots of tequila I did that night…but I know it was too many. A girl that I had been having casual relations with picked me up from the bar and gave me a ride to my dorm, but before we made it back, i hurled all over the inside and some of the outside of her car. Needless to say, we haven’t spoken since. I managed to unlock the door and make it into the dorm hall, but I wound up on the wrong floor, on the wrong end of the hall, and trying to climb into someone else’s bed…while he was in it. The RA led me down to my room, where I then vomited (and I’m pretty sure I urinated) in my own bed and slept in it until morning. I thought about submitting this last year but i thought it was just too embarassing to submit. Let’s hope it puts us over this year.

ROLL TIDE!!!

I was 17at the time when I went out partying.Well I was so hammered off the whiskey and weed,and it must have been the 2 am Krystals or Taco Bell,I can’t remember.At the time I was living in a townhouse,well my stomach went rumbling as soon as my friend dropped me off.I opened the door,attempted to run upstairs to the bathroom.Well my bowels had other ideas halfway up the stairs.
Yes I crapped in my pants,sad thing about it I was so drunk I forgot about the bathroom too my right as I was heading up the stairs.
I just ran like hell trying to get upstairs,epic fail!
Gotta love Mom though,she washed my heavily soiled underwear and Levi’s before I woke up hungover that afternoon,and never asked what happened.
That’s 10 point’s right there.

Freshman yr at Alabama, I was that really bad pledge that would never show up for morning cleanings at the Frat house. I was the one that usually got the whole class some basement time and this was also before the hazing hotline when they used to beat the every living shat out of me with paddles. My secret hiding spot was Tutweiler(sp). I used to go crash at this chicks room for a day or so bc the actives were scouting out my apartment. Well, lets just say that I needed to get a shower and going to Preston Place was not an option. So She runs watch out and tells me the shower in Tut was all clear. So I hop on in. Fortunately and not so fortunately they do have stalls but about the time I start two chicks hop in the stall next to me so my first reaction was to get the hell out ASAP. Well, I hung my towel on the rack about 3 feet away ( just out of arms reach. So I decide its now or never. I break for it about the time a chick comes in to see the 3 inch killer in all its glory. She preceded to scream and the two chick that are already in there get to see my not so white arse. All the beatings had turned into a black/blue cracked puss dripping mound of flesh. As am setting a new record for the forty I hear one say, what was wrong with his ass, then the other said must have been an STD.

Shrinkage?

shiting on ones self angle…

When i was about 17, i was spending the night at a good friends house. It was towards the end of Spring Break and i had been laid up with a terrible case of the shits all week….I was feeling better by friday and decided i would venture out away from the jon and try to enjoy a few days of what was left of Spring Break.

My friend was having a small get together with all kinds of food and a large assortment of alcohol. (his parents were really cool) After knocking back more than my fair share of drinks, my Inebriation made me forget of my stomach issues. So, in my stupidity, I began to down pizza as if it were going out of style…

Later that night, i remember feeling gas building up and decided to “let one loose”…needless to say..i completely shit my pants, i mean..it was bad..luckily it was really late and most people were passed out..i didn’t have a car at the time so driving home wasn’t an option. I had to remove my under garments, wrap them in a trash bag and try to clean my jeans as best i could (yes i was wearing boxers). Though i did my best, the smell never went away. I had to walk around the next morning with my jacket around my waist cause you know…there was a stain..

On the way home, my parents kept asking “What is that terrible stench?” I kept saying “It must be the cows” (we lived out in the country)….As far as i know…no one figured it out..

Is Hey Coach on tonight?I knew they were moving it cause of the big game.I thought Tom said a special Thursday night show.

lots of blood though…. like it’s total NSFW due to content. if y’all think it’s okay i’ll post.

My embarrassing admission is that I actually like Rocky Top. It’s a good song. feel free to tar and feather me.

I posted that we would need to pull out the big guns if we were going to be champions. I am happy (?…word choice) to say many of you have answered the call of duty.

Roll Tide

 Several years ago I took my kids trick-or-treating with some friends in their neighborhood. We go to a couple houses, I’m being kinda goofy with the little ones, everything is cool. Until we get to door number three. These kids are small, so I ring the doorbell and step back… and am shocked to the point of peeing “justalitttlebit” in my pants when Michael Proctor opens the door. I had no clue he lived in my town, and I had the biggest Verne-Tebow kinda love for him. I don’t even know what I said, but I am sure it was all gushy about how much I admired him and such. My husband is getting embarrassed at this point.
  So Proctor, his wife, and the kids decide to join us for trick or treating. I’m still star-struck, walking about 3 inches up his ass. And talking fast. And being a moron. My husband pulls me to the side to let me know he wife is looking pissed, and to please refrain from sexually harassing this poor guy. It wasn’t long after when the Proctors decided to go back home (most likely to get away from me).

Not very long after that, I see him again. In the light of day. And I realize not only has he put on tons of weight, but I think I may be taller than him. And he wasn’t really cute to begin with….

So I stalk out of shape, over the hill place kickers. To the point where the move after I find out where they live.

I was staying the night over at a friends house down the street. All night we drank endless amounts of coke and played super Nintendo while his dad attempted to fix the broken doorknob on the game room door. Before his dad went to bed he reminded us not to close the door because the doorknob might get stuck and lock us in the room. About an hour later my friend decided he was going to bed, I decided to stay up and play more donkey kong. My friend closed the door on his way out. A little while later I got up to open the door to go to the bathroom, it wouldn’t budge. I held it as long as my little bladder could and tried my best to find anything in the room that might hold liquid… nothing. At this point I was almost panicking, I started banging on the door desperately trying to get the attention of anyone who might wake up. No one came to my rescue. So I decided my best move was to drop em’ right there and piss the on the floor in the corner of the room instead of my pants. For about another hour I continued trying to get the door open to find something to clean my mess up before anyone found it. Eventually I gave up and fell asleep on the couch. The next morning when my friends mom let me out, I had momentarily forgotten about it and she never noticed. No one noticed until halfway through breakfast when our meal was interrupted by screaming coming form the direction of the game room, my friend’s dad found the puddle. He saw the piss, put two and two together… and beat the living shit out of the loyal family dog. After seeing the the punishment the dog received for what happened, I decided to keep the whole thing to myself.

After months of ever increasing reading enjoyment, I finally signed up to RBR this evening to pass on appreciation for this beyond genius thread. Thought OTS’s post-Miles debacle LSU Meltdown would be unbeatable for 2009, but this has surpassed any possible expectations I foolishly thought I might even have a story or two to contribute that might help appease the football gods for this Saturday, but clearly I am not worthy in light of shampoo bottles, soiled undergarments, drag queens, detached foreskin, “spackled” shirts, etc. If the gods are listening, it will be 100 to nothing before half-time.

P.S. specifically to Todd — It was pure fate when I signed up as literally the second I finished the account I looked up to see a rather stunning blond on the tv (was watching the movie Bottle Shock). Looked her up to discover she was none other than your current site hottie Rachael Taylor. Thanks for the great blog all!

but I feel the need to offer something up anyway. I was about 6 and my sister was 4, I think, and it was Halloween. My sister and I were dressed up as Miss Americas and my dad took us to the haunted train ride at the zoo. It was awfully scary for a youngster. They had people dressed in black (at night) jumping on top of the train and they stopped it out in the middle of no where and told us that tigers were going to come because they could smell us. After the train ride was over, I had to use the restroom (or so I thought). While I was in the bathroom, my dad and sister were being interviewed my the local news station about the haunted train ride and Halloween. About half way through the interview, I come out of the bathroom with my Miss America dress up over my face and my underwear around my ankles complaining to my dad that “my pannies are wet”. I don’t think the news crew was able to use my dad’s interview that night…

When I was a senior in college I was walking from class to class on the quad. It was around 9 in the morning because I had just gotten out of my 8 o’clock. I was pretty much the only one on the quad and was admiring the quiet and gorgeous view of Denny Chimes. As I looked over at the monument, I noticed a man with his back to me and both of his arms crossed in front, around the crotch area. This was odd, as he was just standing there facing the wall, all by himself. I continued to watch the man, trying to figure out what he was doing, and then he did the squat/jiggle/shake that men do after they have peed! In my mind, I’m thinking surely, I’m mistaken. But, low and behold, the man walks away from the wall and there is a huge wet spot!! I go to class and then go home to the sorority house (where I was living at the time). Our house mother was Dr. Whitt’s wife’s (at the time) secretary so when I told her the story she called him immediately. She then proceeded to hand me the phone so that I could tell him in detail what I saw! So, here I was, a “sorority lady”, describing to the President of the University of Alabama the squat/jiggle/shake that I saw the man doing at Denny Chimes. Luckily, I was able to describe what he was wearing (he was in a University worker’s uniform) and they caught him. He had been doing some work on the quad and didn’t think he could make it to the restroom…so he said

The summer before our last championship season…vacation bible school was a summer ritual for me. I always went to my grandmothers church for bible school. Partly because I used to spend my summers with my grandparents. So, this is also the last time I did the whole vacation bible school thing. The whole week was going just fine, teachings on the bible, crafts, snacks, and horse play. Luckily there was a few cuties in the class I was in, so that made it that much better. Me and this one girl had been going back forth all week in a playful way, maybe some jabs thrown in there, but overall I could tell she liked me. Everyday after school was over we would always talk(flirt) a lot….well it kinda progressed a little to far the last day.
  My grandma was always serving snacks and drinks, so I always had to wait for her, plus you know how grandmas do at church…they gossip for a while after. So me and this girl are sitting in the auditorium waiting horny , so we start making out….I was thinking( not a big deal people kiss in church) that is until she went down on me….It’s like the devil was on one side and an angel on the other….do it do it!!! no your in church!! Needless to say I went with the devils advice…which was wrong!!! Well…my grandmother came in behind us and I had no clue(since I was in the zone!!!) she was even there. She yelled my whole name, and I jumped up so fast ole girl hit her head on the back of the pew in front of us, not to mention I was just about there. So, my grandma was none to happy about that, and I got drug out of church by my ear…with my shorts around my ankles, and ol girl was crying….thank god for not striking me down that day, and please let Bama win for me telling this.

ONE MONTH FROM NOW…WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO BRING IT LIKE IT’S NEVER BEEN BROUGHT ON THIS THREAD. THIS WILL BE ONE FOR THE AGES!

…to bring out the big guns for the big game, folks! Your level of commitment and dedication relative to your desire to win football-wise contributed to our success in what we did to Florida ass-quit-wise, aight? Roll Tide.