The Scents of the SEC

If you wanted to capture the smell of  my collegiate experience you'd have to encapsulate the odor of stale beer and abject frustration slathered over the pungent odor of abiding penury. It's not something I'd suggest bottling and trying to sell but it seems someone thinks there might be a buck in doing just that.

Masik Collegiate Fragrances, of Harrisburg, PA, is producing a line of perfumes and colognes based on various universities and specifically targeting schools with strong football fanbases. Since they intend to charge $60 for each 3.4-ounce bottle of the stuff, they seem to be aiming for a slightly more affluent level of nostalgiac than myself.

For example, according to the company the "signature scent" for LSU involves a mixture of  Provencal Lavender, Oakmoss and Indonesian Vetivier. Which, no matter how pretty you word it up, doesn't quite seem to capture the essence of cheap bourbon and human sweat that sweltering September afternoons in Death Valley are likely to produce. And the absence of any hint of corn dog is downright unforgivable.

With that in mind, we humbly offer the following suggestions in creating the distinctive fragrances for the rest of the conference:

• Alabama: The pervasive aroma of The Process complimented by pungent notes of nostalgia. Currently contains a perplexing tendency to dissipate completely after extensive use.
• Tennessee: An abiding bouquet of arrogance and confusion with a persistent and unmistakable flavor of dismay. Excessive application will incur a secondary violation.
• Florida: The musky masculine smell of invincibility highlighted by the aroma of evangelical boy-man on the move. Possesses a persistent whiff of the regular misdemeanor arrest.
  
• Ole Miss: Magnolia and noblesse oblige on a luxurious foundation of preseason acclaim. A persistent hint of inevitable anarchy and trap-game disappointment.
  
• Arkansas:  An abiding atmosphere of pine sap and questionable defense. The head coach aroma has a distinct flavor of expertise and transience.
  
• Kentucky: A heady swirl of Bluegrass, bourbon and cussedness accented with a distinct flavor of December bowl game inevitability. 
• Georgia: A pungent mixture of big-game faceplant relieved by the sweet essence of low-expectation excellence. WARNING: Do not wear with Black.
• South Carolina: The redolence of slightly-better-than-mediocre performance accented by the inevitable flavor diminished aspiration. 
  
• Mississippi State: The heavy odor of rebuilding year fatalism with high notes of new regime confidence.
• Vanderbilt: A disarming mix of blue blood pedigree and frothy aspirations of repeat Music City Bowl champions.
• Auburn: A distinctive bouquet that reeks of bovine effluvia infused with the tears of defeat. Recently injected with the fragrance of delusional optimism.