Yeah, Bammer, I stole your format. Go cry about it, ginger. Being a 2:30 game in the middle of nowhere, I was (rather unfortunately) sober for the chinese water torture experience.
1. OMG CAM NEWTON FOR HEIZMANSZZZ!!!11 Always start with the bad news. Seriously, he deserves it. He's the best running back in the country. Unless LaMichael James rushes for 300 yds and 4 TDs in the Coliseum next weekend, it's Newton's trophy. He's the only best player on one of the best 7 teams in the country, and he routinely takes over games a la Mark Ingram last season.
2. That being said, he moves, acts, and thinks like a running back. Everyone in that stadium knew that he was keeping the ball on those zone reads. The only person that apparently didn't get the memo was Drake Nevis. ATTN: Jerrell Powe and Kentrell Lockett, STAY IN YOUR DAMN GAP.
3. John Chavis, I want whatever your dealer got you. Whatever it was, it compelled you to send your ends crashing every damn play. That must be some potent shit. Newton exploited that all day.
4. The eagle flew about 8 ft over my head. I regret leaving my blowgun in the car.
5. Darvin Adams knows one route: the deep slant.
6. Adams and Zachary are surprisingly very good, clean blockers. That's more than I can say about their line.
7. Philip Lutzenkirchen, a sophomore listed at 6'4 258, is their Dallas Clark. Runs solid routes, has sticky hands, and never blocked a dude a day in his life. He's Newton's go-to checkdown, and presents a legitimate matchup problem for us.
8. Pugh is every bit as dirty as advertised; he's a competitor that hates getting beat, and overcompensates by taking cheap shots.
9. Lee Ziemba is a white Flozell Adams. He regularly gets beat by speedy, outside rushers, and his response is to trip, then engage in a rear naked choke.
10. They don't have even a serviceable right tackle. That stunt blitz Hightower used earlier in the season would put Tweety-birds around his head.
11. Their zone read scheme employs many cut blocks. It's a staple, be prepared for the righteous indignance you may experience; it's integral to their game.
12. The old adage, "If you have 2 quarterbacks, you have none" should ring true in the hollow ears of LSU fans. Jordan Jefferson is Tyler Watts with a broken arm, and Jarrett Lee is Andrew Zow with a broken sense of masculinity.
13. We may lament the 'waste' of Julio, but he's got no complaints compared to Russel Shepard, Ruben Randle, and Terrence Tolliver.
14. Those guys were open all day. Auburn's secondary is as bad as advertised. Jefferson never looked beyond 5 yards after the first quarter, and Lee was too shellshocked to focus on anything other than concussion recuperation.
15. Nick Fairley is a monster. He's everything we thought Dareus would be this year. That guy laughed at the double teams LSU gave him. I haven't watched film of him last year, but I heard he sucked, so I'm going with steroids. Honestly, he worries me more than Newton. He knocked Mallett, Lee, and Jefferson out of games, and if we don't account for him, we could be seeing McCarron sooner rather than later.
16. I stepped in cow shit. In a parking lot.
18. They start 7 seniors and 2 juniors on defense. Why? b/c like us last year, those guys learned the system, The difference? They're not very good. They take poor pursuit angles, frequently misjudge routes, and overall play like Marquis Johson circa 2008.
19. Julio should smoke these fools like brick weed from West End. Just another day at the office.
20 Zach Etheridge broke his neck last year. It was an unfortunate circumstance that we've seen quite frequently in recent years. I'm truly amazed and thankful that he was able to make a return, but if the boog coaches don't see that he's now a liability in coverage, then their hearts are blinding their brains. Opposing coaches will and should target him.
Bonus: Liquor drinks at boog bars are cheaper and much more plentiful than Tuscaloosa bars. I got twice the whiskey for the same price.