I did it so that you don't have to...

Was I your wingman? Did I hit on the obnoxious/deficient/drunken/psychotic gal so that you could make a play on her cute friend? Did I go slump-busting with you? Did I pick up your tab so that you could save your last $10 for a Gumby's Pizza?

No, my friends, I did not. Although, you know that I would do those things for you, because I have sacrificed so very much more. At great peril to my sanity and/or IQ, I have slogged through the gutters of "writing" and "logic" and "fact-checking" in order to bring you: RANDOM ARTICLES IN A RANDOM DAY OF THE BLEACHER REPORT (10/27/10 Edition)

Remember when your parents spanked you and told you that it hurt them more than you? Remember how you didn't believe them? Well, believe me...this hurt me a lot more than it will hurt you.

ARTICLE ONE: TOP TEN LOCKS. Wherein, the BR predicts that a .500 C-USA team, with the 91st defense in the country will waltz into ND and beat them by ten points.

Why Notre Dame is Vulnerable

In the wake of tragedy in South Bend, the Irish look to circle the wagons against a potent Tulsa attack. 

Depending on the weather conditions Saturday, this game could be an absolute shootout with both defenses figured to be overmatched. The Golden Hurricane can match touchdowns with almost any team in the country.

Credulous rating? Trusting the LSU student body with your cell phone number. The Tulsa Golden Hurricane have lost 3 of four on the road, and have not beaten an AQ school. Hell, they've only played one: Oklahoma State...and lost 65-24.

ARTICLE TWO: PLAYERS WHO WILL MAKE THE BIGGEST HEISMAN MOVE. Wherein, the BR has never heard of RGIII, and elevates an average QB, with average numbers, to a Heisman Lock...

Gabbert's passing yards and picks are great, but the big junior needs to find the end zone on some of his throws to get the Heisman nod. If he can do that, and beat Nebraska in Omaha, he could find himself in New York at season's end....Gabbert has more to gain from a big game this weekend than anyone else in the country. It legitimizes his success in 2010, and, barring a fade down the stretch, practically punches his ticket to New York City for the ceremony.

Credulous rating? Mike Hamilton giving a speech on corporate accountability. This one is a BR special as it hits the trifecta: shitty writing, poor fact-checking (and/or inability to understand the least bit about the sport), and pure speculation pulled out a high-schooler's ass. 1. Nebraska is in Lincon. This is an unforgiveable mistake for someone writing on the topic. 2. How is success legitimized? I would think beating Nebraska, Oklahoma and Utah pretty much legitimizes one's success...by definition. And, 3., In the same article he calls RGIII "quietly one of the best players in the country", despite the fact that everyone knows who RGIII is, and knows that he is easily the best player in the Big 12. Hard to be a "best kept secret" when you're the league MVP. 

ARTICLE THREE: USCe BOWL SCENARIOS Wherein, the BR has one of the best subject-verb disagreements of the week, mistakenly intimating  that Spurrier is a star player, and simultaneously implying that the USC starting offense will be watching the Capital One Bowl...while playing in it.

There is a lot of star power on the South Carolina squad, and the Capital One bowl is one of the highest watched non-BCS bowls.  There is Steve Spurrier, Marcus Lattimore, Alshon Jeffery and Stephen Garcia, just to name a few.

Also, few fanbases travel as well as South Carolina fans.

 

With such a promising season, going 7-5 and ending up in the same lousy bowl against a Big East team would feel like a huge step backwards.  Hardly any Carolina fans would make this trip a second time (Pizza Bowl).

Credulous Rating? Bobby Knight telling his wife, "I'm sorry baby, I won't hit you again". Where to start with this one? The obvious choice is that ass-munching grammar, replete with an awesome S-V disagreement. But, my favorite part is paragraph two pared with the final sentence of the article. Mr. Brilliance up there, on the basis of no authority whatsoever, decides that USC is an ultimate traveling school, and, in less than 100 words, proceeds to flatly contradict himself. A and ~A, FTW, Alex!

ARTICLE FOUR: NU-MIZZOU: TRUE RIVALRY? Wherein, the BR gives us all a nice, well-earned LOL.

I have published articles in many seasoned markets, in all of the major genres.  And I believe that the best fans, not just college football, but in sports—period—belong to Huskers Nation.

Astonishing in their sportsmanship and in their knowledge of the game, Nebraska football fans are the superlative in the country, in my opinion.

Mizzou averages 4.4 yards per carry and 138.47 yards per game.

They are ranked No. 79 in the nation in rushing. Nebraska is ranked No. 79 in rushing defense. 

Looks strange on paper, but it should be a stalemate in that sector of the game, right?

If they can make Nebraska one-dimensional, then Missouri’s blitzers and defensive backfield could make it a long game for Taylor Martinez.

Nebraska-Mizzou has been played on the gridiron 103-105 times.

He was also the fifth African-American to play for a predominantly white university. (Google Frank Kinney Holbrook and Archie Alphonso Alexander.)

Credulous rating: What the fuck is this? Sweet Jesus, make it stop...Really, any of these would work. Take your pick. But, suffice it to say, this is what makes the BR one of CBS' partners in journalistic excellence.

So, love me, hate me, revile me. But, just remember, that when all is said and done, I did it all for you.