While Alabama and LSU were relaxing away this past weekend in preparation of the upcoming Game of the Century, remember this: Meltdown Time doesn't have an off week. It may have been undercard action around the country, but don't tell that to the message board heroes and the emotionally unstable. Nothing short of life itself was on the line last Saturday and countless fan bases delivered as such. The real issue last weekend was selecting exactly which meltdowns to feature.
We'll start with Ole Miss simply because, well, they are that bad and they are nothing if not amusing in their travails. From there we'll go to the newest members of the SEC, where Texas A&M choked away yet another big lead and may now look to do little better than 6-6 when the true believers were expecting a run at a BCS berth. Coach Fran can relate.
From there, on to the World's Largest Outdoor Natural Light Party, where the worst Florida team of this generation practically guaranteed Mark Richt a contract extension in Athens, all the while it looks like the only schematic advantage Charlie Weis can come up with is the optimal route to the Gatorade cooler. Whatever ails the Gators, of course, pales in comparison to the plague inflicted upon Tennessee, as the Vols delivered yet another performance that UT fans can only hope will be washed away someday by Alzheimer's. And finally, we'll take one final trip back to Wisconsin, where somehow Bucky managed to lose back-to-back games on glorified Hail Mary attempts. I don't know if Madison was considered a religious town before, but I can guarantee you they probably lead the nation in atheists per capita after the past two weekends.
Subjects of meltdown time this week include George Pickett, frat guys, bus crashes, Banana Republics, soccer teams, trees, Harvey Updyke, teabagging, Ben Obamanu, bomb threats, pine boxes, Auburn High, Jacksonville State, Wynona Judd, Pete Boone, the Antichrist, Sewanee, 45 RPMs, the XFL, the emergency room, Dennis Franchione, the 38th Parallel in Korea, Bevo, Bernie Madoff, the Sun Belt, tipis, Third World countries, the Green Bay Packers, the French Army, Viagra, Ryan's, nacho cheese buffets, Sega Saturn, heart meds, Natural Light, Birmingham, Biblical plagues, Tom Brady, sorority pledges, Jimbo Fisher, hemorrhoids, salary caps, broken whiskey bottles, Cecil Newton, the clap, nursing homes, high school all star games, cat walks, the runway, beach balls, NASA, transsexual strip clubs, steel dildos, Draino, vodka, liver, kidneys, Japanese blackface, and crucifixion.
As always, this piece is in no way safe for work, and should not be read by anyone who is easily offended by foul language. Consider yourself warned. Click below for the jump for Meltdown Time. Enjoy:
We look like Pickett's last charge out there in this grey shit
We look like the soccer team of a goddamn Banana Republic
The trees have a better future than we do
I wish all Nutt would have done to us would have been sprayed us with Spike 80 XF
Do they call it the Egg Bowl cause the loser gets pelted in the face with eggs?
I wish Chizzik would have teabagged Nutt at the postgame hand shake, only fitting way to end it
Where the hell is Ben Obamanu?
Might just call in a bomb threat to the stadium just to go ahead and end this one
They took Tubs off our hands. Guess we'd really have to ship Nutt in the pine box
We couldn' have beat Auburn High
The closest this football program will ever get to greatness is road games in Baton Rouge and Tuscaloosa
At least we weren't playing Jacksonville State
I'd fuck Wynona Judd in the ass for a month for a 12-0 season
Way this team plays Nutt ought to change his name to Clitoris
Colonel Clitoris would get my vote for new mascot
Same results as with Coach O and a quarter of the talent. That's what passes for progress in Oxford
Pete Boone may in fact be the Antichrist. No one has ever been able to dispute that
Just be glad Sewanee gave up football
The 45 RPM will be around longer than Ole Miss football
Yo yo yo yo yo yo... fuck me
The XFL was more entertaining than Ole Miss football
If we tried to beat our meat we'd end up in the emergency room with a broken dick
BRING BACK FRAN!!!
Fran knew how to protect a pussy defense. Sherman calls 0 like his D is as stout as the 38th parallel
In a year anything worse than 11-1 was a total failure, now we're hoping for 7-5
Bevo will horn fuck us one last time on our way out the door
At least Mizzou has one guaranteed win in the SEC... Aggie
Sherman is a bigger swindler than Bernie Madoff
We're joining the SEC playing like we're in the Sun Belt
Oklahoma will beat us like we built some tipis on their land
What third world destination do I need to be searching for cheap flights?
Old Army...... New Army.... we play like the fucking French Army
We can't fire Sherman, we'll fall apart just like the Packers did
No worries fellas, once we add LSU and Bama to the schedule every year we'll be unstoppable
Watching our defense in the second half is like watching an old man try to get a hard-on without his Viagra
Schematic advantage for the win. I bet we can hit up a Ryan's buffet like nobody else. It's all about the in-dinner planning to go straight from the nacho cheese fountain to the desert without being tripped up by the salad bar
Maybe it's Weis's gravitational pull slowing us down
Why did Muschamp ever take this job?
We're the Sega Saturn of football programs
We paid a never-was OC a million bucks to come sit on a Gatorade cooler twelve times a year, nothing more
THEY'RE HOLDING AGAIN!!
Isiah Crowell's dick could start at tailback for us
Urban thought two things were optional: heart meds and tailbacks. He was wrong on both.
Florida football: Finally shitty enough to even lose to Georgia
The case of Natural Light was the best thing I saw in Jacksonville today
Fuck this Im not going back to Birmingham I'll boycott the damn bowl
At least Rainey's dick fingers were erect for most of the day
UCF would buttfuck this team. We're the fifth best team in our own state. FAU is the only thing seperating us and Plant High
Watching this offense is like watching a biblical plague
Tom Brady was an average quarterback under Weis. What fucking chance do Brissett and Driskel have?
Boom can drop all the F-bombs he wants, but his defense is as soft and moist as the average sorority pledge
Watching us with the lead in this is like watching the kid playing with his mom's douche thinking it's a water toy. Just so fucking oblivious of all the horror
All this team will do is earn Jimbo Fisher a contract extension
If all Rainey can see on punt returns is muffs then what is his excuse when we run the ball with him? Hemorrhoids?
I bet Richt's agent is decked out head to toe in Florida swag tonight
That NCAA imposed salary cap on USC really bit us in the ass today with Jarvis Jones
If this offense played in a bar on Friday night they'd get beaten unconscious with broken whiskey bottles
I haven't seen a head coach botch a QB race so bad since Mullen counter-offered Cecil $0.
By the time this offense would have scored 14 points ten years would have passed and we'd have been playing with ineligible players
The best part about this era of Tennessee football is that 10,000 years now no one will have ever even known the game of football existed
It's almost like watching your dick get stuck directly into the clap
Watching nursing home visitations isn't this depressing
There won't be 50,000 people for MTSU. The admin probably won't be able to get away with even touting 70k official attendance.
Bowl game? Take that shit back to the land of Sunshine Farts. This team couldn't win a high school all star game
DaRick is another Chris Rainey. Football has nothing to do with what you look like in shorts. You go at it on the gridiron goddamnit, you don't cat walk down the fucking runway.
Da'Rick would have dropped that pass even if we'd have thrown him a beach ball.
Just be glad modern day college football almost guarantees any team a 6-6 season. Twenty years ago this team would have been 2-9 at best.
If we put Dooley in charge of the space program we'd be at the center of the earth in three years
Walking into Neyland these days is like those times you accidentally walk into one of those tranny strip clubs
Bucky secondary fucked us again. Big old steel dildo right up the badger
God hates Bucky. Only explanation
Does anyone have Draino to drink?
Fuck this team. Fire everyone.
The whole defensive staff and the boy wonder head coach should be fired tomorrow
I am done rooting for these sad sacks of shit anymore. Fuck them
Why can’t I get myself to stick to my guns and not give a shit?
i need two more bottles of vodka and a new liver and kidney. i am not going to want to remember the last two weeks
Frieken pathetic. From the top down. Welcome to the toilet bowl Badgers… and it’s all you deserve.
It's really going to suck when the Badgers lose to Akron in the Futility Bowl
Japanese blackface is less offensive than this horrifying play.
Apparently Jesus decided he was going to send Bucky to die on the cross to take away all of man's sins