Friends and fellow REC* Illuminati,
When I find myself in times of trouble, I turn to the 1990 cinema classic Tremors, which contains the immortal wisdom of the mighty Bacon's "Earl Bassett" and the salty Ward's "Valentine McKee" (not to mention Reba McEntire AND the grandfather from the 3 Ninjas franchise... verily, there aren't enough Oscars to share). So here, during the relative calm before Saturday's Corndogeddon, I would like to contextualize Alabama's circumstances through apropos quotes from said theatrical/philosophical blockbuster. SPOILER ALERT: if you have never seen Tremors, you're a Taiwanese ladyboy with open sores.
"I think I have a plan. Why don't we throw a bomb the way we want to go, and then when it goes off, we run like godd@%$ bastards?!"
"I GOTTA GODD@@@@@#& PLAN!"
"Good luck, $#!*head."
"Don't worry about me, jerkoff."
"Be advised, however, that there are two more, repeat, two more motherhumpers."
"I'll tell you, nobody handles garbage better than we do."
"Broke into the wrong godd@#% REC* room, didn't ya, you bastard!?"
"Damn it... you never plan ahead. You never take the long view. I mean, here it is Monday and I'm already thinking of Wednesday... It is Monday, right?"
* - The Red Elephant Club (REC) is a clandestine committee of pederasts that controls the media, Hollywood, eugenic research, the Klan, and continental drift (source: Trackemtigers.com).