On a weekend that saw Tennessee and Auburn lose by a combined 94-14, you knew the meltdown piece had to be absolute gold and in my purview it does not disappoint. It may have taken Auburn three years to do it, but the high school offense is finally working as well as the high school defense, and in Knoxville absolutely nothing is going right. Tennessee fans are souring on Derek Dooley faster than childhood literacy campaigns.
Meanwhile, in Missouri, Texas reverted to their 2010 self by falling hard to the Tigers 17-5. The meltdown wasn't what we've come to expect, but Shaggy Bevo simply does not handle losing very well. And finally, we'll take a look at Ohio State, who lost on Saturday for the second time in three years to lowly Purdue. Never leading during the game, the Buckeyes had a chance to win in the closing seconds but had an extra point blocked and eventually lost in overtime. With a 6-4 record it's finally sinking in around Columbus that Michigan is going to take them out back in two weeks and the Buckeyes aren't happy.
Subjects of meltdown time this week include deer stands, Greg Davis, Mike McQueary, gold chains, virgins, goats, self-mutilation, skirts, Denny's Grand Slam, Weekend at Bernie's, Garrett Gilbert, GPS, Lowes, the Geneva Conventions, Guantanamo Bay, the ACLU, Auburn-Montgomery, Terry Bowden, leather jackets, Utah State, Legion Field, the Second Mile Foundation, Doug Barfield, Harvey Updyke, fertilizers, Higgins boats, Confederate war bonds, Desmond Howard, Pros v. Joes, Stan White, Eco-terrorism, Thanksgiving, food poisoning, Little Rock High, the REC, grand jury reports, Mike's Hard Lemonade, tears, Mike Shula, the Grand Ole Opry, Mike DuBose, Curley Hallman, Lulu and Junior, Ron Zook, rotten cabbage, Irish Spring, James Franklin, Sylvester Croom, Cam Newton, X-box, the Atlantic Ocean, Mike Leach, bonsai trees, Jack Daniels, the Appalachian Mountains, Dathan, the Old Testament, extradition, Wikileaks, wheelchairs, Home Improvement, Brady Hoke, Occupy Wall Street, George McGovern, Richard Nixon, bail bondsmen, the French Secretary of Defense, telephone poles, the Bible, Rich Rod, Alabama kickers and Jerry Sandusky. Lots of Jerry Sandusky
As always, this piece is in no way safe for work, and should not be read by anyone who is easily offended by foul language. Consider yourself warned. Click below for the jump for Meltdown Time. Enjoy:
Fuck you Mack Brown. You go asleep at the wheel, still get you $, and leave us with this shit. Fuck you.
Fuck mizzou. Fuck targeting. Fuck the refs. Fuck going deep. Fuck Mack's pussyass playcalling. Fuck this game.
i should have stayed in the fucking deer stand
this offense sucks flaming dicks. it's like greg davis is back and calling plays
Mike McQuerey is shocked by this anal rape.
fuck, it looks like tucker's big ass gold chain was hooked around his foot when he kicked that, stupid wigger
can we finally retire that fucking pussy formation?
we're getting Sanduskied
Our QB's are more hesitant than a 45 year old virgin.
well fuck me in the goat ass FUCK, was it gideon's fault?
my god, shoot me in the fucking face
Seriously, Gideon is a fucking retard. Get hurt already.
Fuck you Gideon. You suck more than Sandusky
put a skirt on him
Gideon still weighed down by his Denny's Grand Slam
Mack didn't go to sleep at the wheel, he died there. We're Weekend at Bernies
Bring back Gilbert!
Special teams 3 points, defense 2, offense 0. All of you go big or go home motherfuckers on the OC hire, we sure as fuck went home didn't we?
This offense couldn't find the end zone with a GPS
We could do better recruiting the wetbacks who gather round outside Lowes at 7:30 in the morning
ESPN is going to have to starting paying people $30 a month for having LHN defoul their homes
Apparently Mack didn't tell our players Mizzou wasn't in the SEC yet
What Bammer is going to do to us is against the Geneva Conventions
They couldn't get away with that kind of shit in Gwantanomo without getting sued by the ACLU
Georgia treated us like we were the club team at Auburn-Montgomery
Every time I see Gene Chizik I picture Terry Bowden in a leather jacket
Tiny Tot never lost 45-7 to UGA in year three. He didn't get blown out by Arky and LSU either.
God help us if we get a rematch with Utah State in the bowl game
All you clowns who've been crowing for fifteen years that we'll never have to play in Legion Field again can come blow me
Wonder if Mequeery saw this ass raping to?
"This week's SEC on CBS match-up is brought to you by the Second Mile Foundation."
Chizik doesn't have teeth, Dye didn't have pants who gives a shit? All I care is this team is looking like Doug Barfield has put his stamp on it
The trees will live forever with this team. Updyke can probably even come back for some spring fertilizing
We might as well have unloaded off a Higgins boat when we got outside the stadium
All we need is a QB, some OL, a few WR, a DL, some LBs and six or seven good DBs and we'll be right there
Dyer has 1,000+ yards on the season, one more meaningless than the last
If Emory Blake has even a double digit IQ he's turning pro and getting the hell out of Auburn
How's those confederate war bonds holding up, Gus?
The pumpers crowned Tre Mason to be Desmond Howard and now that he's playing real teams he's returning kicks like its Joes vs. Pros
How does this team ever win seven games?
South Carolina should go back to the ACC for losing to this AU team
Jerry Sandusky didn't do nothing to those kids half as bad as what SPUAT will do to us
If we're going to play like Barfield we might as well bring the orange jerseys and the eagle helmet stickers
That Bammer defense is going to beat the fuck out of our QB's so bad they'll end up looking like Stan White
I might call Harvey Updyke and invite him over to season the family turkey for Thanksgiving so I don't have to watch Bammer have their way with us
14 points combined in the last two games against teams with pulses? I think Gus' high school offense is played. This ain't Little Rock High in the SEC
Took three years but the high school offense is now as bad as the high school defense.
Bammer won't even need the REC to pay off the refs to take us out back
They should have just named Georgia in the Grand Jury Report
We're good about getting contract extensions for overrated coaches. First Gus, now Richt
38-7 and I just ran out of Mikes Hard Lemonade. It ain't gonna get better
How much do you think I could get for Trotter's tears on ebay?
Guess we wore the orange pants so it wouldn't be so obvious when we pissed ourselves
When did Mike Shula lose to Arkansas 49-7? I must have been drunk that weekend, that never happened.
The Grand Old Opry will have a comeback before Tennessee football
Why the Mike Shula comparisons? Shula was never anywhere this damn bad. Hell, even Dubose didn't get blown out consistently. You want a legit Dooley comparison? Google Curley Hallman
Even Junior and Lulu cancelled their season tickets
Haven't beaten Bama since Shula, Florida since Zook, and now even Vandy is passing us by
La Tech probably feels like they pawned a truckload full of rotten cabbage off on us
Not a single SEC team would trade their coach for Dooley. And that includes Ole Miss, who ain't even got a coach
90% of this team wouldn't have even gotten a Tennessee scholarship offer in the late 1990s
James Franklin took Vandy to historic highs in less time than it took Dooley to teach our players how to scrub their sacks with a bar of Irish Spring
Teams used to get Croomed. Now they get Dooleyed.
Hamilton ought to offer Franklin the head coaching job during pre-game warm-ups. Maybe he can get him to switch sides before kickoff
We put on the orange pants and we play as shitty as Dooley coaches
If this defense played Ole Miss they'd make Randall Mackey look like Cam Newton
We're nothing more now than some cupcake opposing teams used to film their highlight reels
Dooley with the same shit every week, "We missed a lot of opportunities..." Yeah, how about when we hired your ambulance chasing ass?
This team won't get to 10-2 in the next five years unless its on Xbox
How do you have almost 400 yards of offense and only score 7 points? Dooley could do a cannonball in the middle of the Atlantic ocean and still come out bone dry
Note to DD: If your kicker could throw it worth a damn, you'd have him at QB
I'd put Nick Saban in my will if Tennessee would hire Mike Leach
Remember back when we had Eric Berry and everybody said we were a one man team? Man, those were the glory years
So, Derek, are we more like a banzai tree this week, or maybe hedge bushes. Please, don't worry about fixing your shitty team, give us another one of your great plant life analogies.
Id like to break a Jack Daniels bottle and shove it up his ass
Maybe the Appalachians will just open up and swallow this fucking program whole like Dathan in the Old Testament
I'd rather get extradited to Iran than I would have to watch that Kentucky game
Maybe we could get the Wikileaks dweeb to open up on Dooley?
WE"RE GOING TO LOSE TO MICHIGAN!! GODDAMN MICHIGAN!!!!!!
Played football for 120 years just to end up Purdue's bitch. Sickening
We couldn't even win biggest Big Ten scandal of the year.
Can't even get 300 yards of offense on Purdue, we're playing wheelchair football out there on offense
Rehire Tressel. Thnk NCAA is going to care with Sandusky raping ever kid in western PA?
I'd rather watch a marathon of Home Improvement than watch this team play for three hours
Brady Hoke going to earn a contract extension against us. They'll have that fucker a statue by the time July rolls around
Cheering for this Ohio State team is more pointless than the three days I spent occupying Wall Street
George McGovern had a better chance of beating Nixon than Fickell has of getting this job
Hire Meyer, I don't care if his teams keep Columbus bail bondsmen in business, it's worth it to win
We're so fucking irrelevant that we lost to Purdue and I didn't see one single mention of it on ESPN
Whose up for Detroit in late December? Figure I can buy the whole family tix for 10 bucks total. Still overpaying to watch this team play.
Fickell coaches like he's running for the French Secretary of Defense job
This season has officially crashed into a telephone pole
Been watching porno for 30 years and still haven't seen a bigger puss than Shuggarts. Never thought wed be so SOL without him in the lineup
Play Purdue and never even get the lead? That's the kind of stuff that's supposed to only happen in the Bible
We couldn't beat Rich Rod
Even Alabama can kick the extra point