Death, We Hardly Knew Ye

Remember those beloved, iconic couple of trees historic landmarks that were coincidentally revealed to be all but dead an hour after it was reported that the NCAA had expanded their investigation into Auburn's recruiting practices? You know, those historic landmarks that looked perfectly fine but that we were reassured were all but certain to be as dead as Thomas Jefferson in no time? Um, yeah, about that:

The soil below the surface at Toomer's Corner is showing lower levels of a deadly herbicide than originally feared, but experts say it's too early to know if the trees will survive at the Auburn University landmark.

"The good news is the concentrations are much lower than we initially detected in the beds around the trees. The bad news is we still detected herbicide," said Gary Keever, a professor of horticulture at Auburn and a member of a task force that is studying ways to save the trees. 

As it turns out, apparently the concentration levels of Spike 80DF are much lower than originally reported, and it seems now like there is a good chance the trees won't die after all. I'm just totally shocked beyond words here, aren't you? Who could have ever possibly foreseen this incredible turn of events? This has to be the single most shocking revelation since it was revealed that Richard Nixon indeed did know of the Watergate break-in (that one caught me by total surprise).

And no, for those dumb enough to contribute their hard-earned money in the first place, I'm not sure if Tiders for Toomers will be offering refunds. For some reason George Carlin's warning of the origins of the phrase, "buyer beware" seem quite fitting right about now. And with that, please let this whole Toomers melodrama be forgotten.

Meanwhile, I'll close by noting this: If anyone wants to financially help out, you know, an actual human being in need instead of forking over a check for a university with a 378 million dollar endowment to replace a couple of trees, former 'Bama player Clyde Goode -- brother of Pierre and Kerry Goode -- has been diagnosed with leukemia and is currently undergoing chemotherapy treatments. The Clyde Goode Fund has been established in his name at Bryant Bank, so if you've got some change to spare and want to help out a family in need, the Clyde Goode Fund seems to be as worthy of a cause as any.

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