Lockout brings Quidditch stars back to Capstone

The following was a satirical article from the April 1st edition of the UA Student paper, the Crimson White

by Brett Hudson

Ladies and gentlemen, let the grieving end.

Yes, Mark Ingram, Marcell Dareus and Julio Jones all thought it best to leave the Capstone early to pursue a National Football League career.

But the threat of a season-ending lockout has convinced them to re-enroll at the University to play out the rest of their Quidditch eligibility.

“I know without a doubt that I’m the best Seeker in the world,” Jones said. “And now I go back to work to show up that arrogant Harry Potter kid. He’s worse than Cam Newton.”

Ingram’s return adds to an already excellent Chaser crew. Backed up with a world-class Beater Dareus, the trio may have the formula for a national championship.

“Go ahead and pick Alabama for the Quidditch World Cup in your bracket next year,” head coach Nick Saban said.

This year’s Alabama team is even getting praise from archrivals.

“I hate to admit it, but those guys are looking really strong right now,” Auburn’s head coach, Lord Voldemort, said. “It seems like they’re an unstoppable force and showing no signs of slowing down. I would be very surprised if we ever beat Alabama again.”

Auburn is facing its own problems after a Chaser-turned-Snitch for the team reported that boosters paid him galleons to stay at the program.

Alabama’s success has been felt with off-the-pitch matters, as well. Not only is the Tide’s success keeping players from leaving early, but also it’s bringing in world-class talent.

Cyrus Kouandjio, the best Beater prospect in the state of Maryland and second in the nation, according to, shocked the world with his commitment change to Alabama after previously committing to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

At his National Signing Day press conference, Kouandjio had very high remarks for the Hogwarts Owls.

“I will be playing Quidditch next year at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for many reasons,” Kouandjio said. “The Charms Department is top-notch, I really love the campus and the facilities are some of the best in the nation.”

But, after waiting endlessly for the delivery owl with Kouandjio’s script of intent, Hogwarts was left empty-handed as Kouandjio reconsidered his decision.

“In the end, I just couldn’t pass up on the Tide,” Kouandjio said. “Coach Saban is basically what every coach in the world sees when he looks into the Mirror of Erised.”

The Tide looks forward to defending its back-to-back-to-back national championships and its record 96-match winning streak against Hufflepuff College today on the Rec Fields.


Original article

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