In the Book of Revelation, the Bible speaks about a period of 1,000 years where unity and order will prevail over the earth before the final judgment of mankind. Most Christian denominations have different ideas about what this means, especially the Presbyterians, who are kind of like the Auburn fans of Christendom. (WE’RE DIFFERENT! PAY ATTENTION TO US!)
People have long thought that the thousand-year reign is associated with social justice or peace, but it isn’t. It’s about football. What’s more, the thousand years actually began in 2006, when Florida won the BCS Championship Game. This ushered in a millennium of SEC dominance, wherein a team from the South will always finish on top. Simple math reveals that there will be 994 more years of SEC champions—maybe even enough time for the SEC East to win one or two.
How did it get to be this way?
At the end of the Civil War, a bunch of the Union generals got together to figure out how to punish the South. The generals wore hockey jerseys and blue jeans, and all of them had mustaches and long hair that they threaded out the backs of their Red Wings caps, because that is what northern people look like.
Sherman was all like, “Let’s put NFL teams in Georgia, Tennessee, and Carolina that tease their fans but never win Super Bowls.”
Then Sheridan was all like, “And let’s give them one MLB team that makes the playoffs and always chokes.”
(Sheridan was a tool.)
And then Grant, who was drunk, was like, “Braaaaahs, what about the NBA?”
The other generals laughed, because, come on, basketball.
After that, they all got into Sherman’s Firebird and went cruising while listening to Journey, because that is what northern people do. And Verne Lundquist was there, and he saw that it was good.
As the years passed, the people of the South grew angry that most of the good professional teams were up north and out west. The southern people cried out to God, just like the Israelites used to do.
“God, totes not fair.” They said.
Because God is cool, He heard them and decided to help. Because He works in mysterious ways, though, He didn’t just create a bunch of new pro teams for them to cheer for. The South had to use teams that were already there—college teams. The SEC.
And just like with Israel, God sent the SEC schools judges to raise them up.
One of the first judges was Steve Spurrier, whom God sent to Florida. Spurrier invented a new coaching philosophy called KILL IT WITH TOUCHDOWNS and trained the Gators in the art of the shotgun set for goal line situations.
Florida became very good and won hella lots of games. Spurrier was ready to chillax because he thought he was done, but God told him to not rest but to go to South Carolina instead. Spurrier did not want to go. He tried to hide on the golf course, but God can see way super far, and it didn’t work.
Because Spurrier did not obey, God sent Daniel Snyder to swallow the Ol’ Ball Coach. After two whole years in the belly of the Snyder, Spurrier finally got spit out.
“Aw, dagnabbit.” he said, and went to South Carolina.
For Alabama, the judge was my great-granddaddy Elmo. Elmo was bald and cranky and wore dress socks with shorts. He believed that it was God’s will for Alabama to win every single game and he suspected, rightly, that outside forces conspired around the clock to sabotage the Crimson Tide. He was pert near the finest Alabama fan that God ever made.
The reason that Alabama won so many games in the 1970s was because of Elmo. If Alabama fell behind by more than three points, or if the defense gave up a first down, my great-granddaddy would shout GREATGODTHEYVELOSTIT and turn the TV off in a grand, dramatic gesture. And then Alabama would win, because they knew he meant business. They just knew.
The latest judge is James Franklin, maybe. Franklin was sent to Vanderbilt, which is a school for lawyers who represent the other SEC players who get arrested. He helped the Commodores win more games than they usually do, but then they got beat in a bowl game by a Big East school, so somebody in the Vanderbilt program is probably sinning.
With the SEC taking control of the sport, the other schools were not very happy. Some of them, like Ohio State and Miami, tried to become professional teams. Others, like Texas A&M and Missouri, were baptized into the SEC so that they too might have a shot to win it all.
When the thousand-year SEC reign is over, the Bible says Jesus will release the final BCS standings for the earth. Then all the denominations, even Presbyterians, get to go to New Jerusalem, where every year there is a playoff, and not just some token plus-one gimmick. I’ll bet in the New Jerusalem, offensive linemen win Heismans, but I can’t prove this. It’s just a feeling I’ve got.
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