Schottenheimer's Resume (as told by a Jets Fan)

Upon hearing the news that Brian Schottenheimer would be interviewing for our vacant offensive coordinator position, I relayed the news to a few co-workers who happen to be New York Jets fans. I just wanted to get a feel for how the fanbase felt of his coaching abilities. I do not follow the Jets so I had no idea. Needless to say, they were not fans. I was forwarded an email that was passed around their fanbase satirically mocking Schottenheimer's resume. Here is the copy and paste. It is somewhat humorous so take it for what it is...

Brian Schottemheimer's Resume (as told by a NY Jets fan)

Overview of Strengths

Ability to coach a mediocre offense, with either a competent veteran (Chad Pennington), a top ten draft pick (Mark Sanchez), or a future Hall of Famer (Brett Favre) at quarterback.
Can receive constant praise for innovation due to confusing calls and despite me never breaking tendencies.
Can get away with calling 67 passes in a run first offense, without my head coach even noticing.
My offense allows for 75% of our fans to call out the play before it is ran.


Offensive Philosophy

On every single play, split my fullback out in the slot and motion him into fullback even though I know everybody knows he isn’t staying in the slot and will motion in.
Also sub in a specific receiver who is bigger and can block so I can motion him in towards the formation on all running plays.
Sub out four or five players on every play, we need a specific group to throw with and a specific group to run with.
Use all of these motions and subbing to confuse my offense, so we can have multiple false start penalties and delay of games, along with blowing timeouts frequently.
Never, ever throw the football down the field outside the hashes. The entire game takes place within 5 yards of the quarterback, inside of the hash marks.
Ignore the running game when it is working. Ignore the passing game when it is working.
Run stretch plays with my slowest running back in 2nd and short to set up 3 and 5.
Run 4 yard crossing routes on 3rd and 9.
Do not use explosive players enough – see Leon Washington, Joe McKnight.


Highlights

Needed my team to call timeout before the first play of the game, even though we had the first play scripted all week.
Dropped Mark Sanchez back 67 times against the New York Giants pass rush, when we were averaging 5 yards per carry.
Played Matthew Mulligan 25 snaps per game for an entire season.


Favorite Plays

Shotgun 4-wide, throw a 4 yard hook route to the tight end, usually on 3rd and long.
Motion receiver towards the formation and run toss, usually for a 3 or 4 yard loss.
Play action boot on 2nd and short out of the same formation, where the quarterback only has the option to throw to the tight end in the flat.
Slant. Slant. Slant.


Standard Drives

1st and 10 – Run the football for a 1 yard gain.
2nd and 9 – Throw 4 yard hook route to tight end.
3rd and 5 – Throw 3 yard crossing route.

1st and 10 – Run the football for a 7 yard gain.
2nd and 3 – Go shotgun, get the quarterback sacked.
3rd and 12 – Draw or check down to running back.

1st and 10 – Throw slant for 8 yards
2nd and 2 – Play action boot, quarterback rolls out, throws incompletion.
3rd and 2 – Shotgun, sack or incompletion.