After cruising the internets for a few weeks, I have uncovered some disturbing information about Coach Nick Saban. I have struggled to understand it, and I wasn't sure if I should share it, but I feel it is my responsibility, nay, it is my DUTY, to tell you.

Coach Saban must be FIRED!

I know, it sounds crazy. But the facts are clear:

1. Coach Saban is MEAN! When poor, sensitive third-string players make understandable mistakes, he YELLS at them! Really loud, too! I mean, geez, they didn't MEAN to screw up! What's the big deal, COACH????

2. Coach Saban is DISLOYAL!!! He has the NERVE to actually LEAVE one coaching job for another one just because he wants to make more money!!!

3. Coach Saban will actually continue to pay for players' educations even if they aren't on the team anymore-something about 'medical'. I call bullshit.

4. He (allegedly) stabbed a player in the face in Miami, and then refused to put a band-aid on it!

5. He also made a player cry( ! ) in Miami. (A different one than the face-stabbing one!)

6. Worst of ALL! Coach Saban is RUDE to the press, and FORCES them to write POSITIVE stories about the team!

If I thought there was any other solution, I wouldn't be writing this. But it is CLEAR there ISN'T!!!! So, I will be starting a firenicksaban.com blog.

Look, if I thought Coach could change his ways, and be more fun, I wouldn't do this. But he NEVER does FUN stuff, like chew grass, or do funny little swaying dances before his team comes out of the tunnel. Or even wear a HAT!!! I saw he put one on in Missouri, but only because it was raining! And then he had to take it off, probably because of his EGO!!!

Look, guys, we have to move FAST on this one, because I hear that a fine Christian man will be available soon, and we don't want to miss out on him! Then, we can be a FAMILY!!! ALL IN!!!

(From what I understand, he has no teeth, but we can fix that!)

Well, whatta ya say, guys? Can I count on your support?

Anybody smell corndog?