With the 2012 NFL Draft done and in the books, there's not much left to sustain us for the rest of the off-season. Sure, the season preview magazines will be hitting the stands in a month or so but that'll only make things worse, really.
So we here at RBR have decided to produce that staple of the college football blog off-season -- the comparison post. You know the drill. Team X is like Thing Y. With "Thing Y" being some quasi-hip pop cultural icon. In the past we've seen squads likened to the Simpsons to Arrested Development to Star Wars ... pretty much everything had its turn. Already this year we've seen "metaphor posts" using current hotness Game of Thrones and Hunger Games.
So we figured we would compare SEC teams to... um, how about '80s heavy metal acts? Why hair metal? Well there's few things SEC fans take more seriously than their football and lord knows hair metal could never afford the luxury of irony. The hullabaloo of both tends to seem pretty ridiculous if you step back and take it at face value. The point here is don't.
To make this work, Todd and I realized would require some serious funny which we ourselves are pretty short on. So we persuaded Rick Muscles to lend a hand. While this was a collaborative effort we have to be totally honest -- if you find yourself chuckling at anything you see below then most likely Handsome Rick was the one who wrote it.
In order to make this experience as interactive as possible, each of the band photos below links to a video by the aforesaid artist. So if you want to subject yourself to the glory of the 80's finest follicle-fueled rock n roll, have at it.
The SEC West: Lipstick City Division
Alabama: Van Halen
Bama and Van Halen ruled the late 70s but then the 80s happened. Internecine power struggles left both looking for the right front man. The 92 title was like the "Right Now" vid. Sure they were both awesome but neither group could match the past greatness. Yet, when all hope was lost, things fell into place in the late 00s. DLR is touring with Eddie and Bama has won 2 ‘ships in 3 years. Roll DLR!
Arkansas: Bon Jovi
Because somewhere in Fayetteville, in a deserted basement rec-room, Bobby Petrino sits in the dark listening to this over and over on his Sony Walkman:
I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride I'm wanted, dead or alive.
Auburn and Nelson are matching one hit wonders. Nelson was mostly famous for the flowing locks of their frontmen and the Tigers rode that gleaming toothy smile all the way to Arizona. Both were all style and no substance and likely will not repeat in the future. Plus, Nelson sucks. Case closed.
LSU: Guns n Roses
When Appetite for Destruction hit it laid waste to the competition. G N' R was the band for years after although their follow ups were wanting. Similarly, LSU football is still formidable but living on their past reputation. Were the 2011 Tigers the Spaghetti Incident of SEC football? Will a plastic surgery enhanced Les Miles return to glory 16 years from now with Bucket Head as his defensive coordinator? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!!!!!
Mississippi State: Jackyl
Jakyl’s lead singer Jesse James Dupree was famous for playing a chainsaw and Mississippi State’s coach Jackie Sherrill was famous for cutting off a bull’s nuts. Jakyl and the Bulldogs are our crazed redneck cousins who swill moon shine and have serious opinions about clandestine government operations. Neither are very good but it’s OK to like them since nobody takes them seriously.
Ole Miss: Damn Yankees
Much like Ole Miss, the Damn Yankees were a group of men forced together who had no business working together. Ted Nugent and Styx's Tommy Shaw were essentially the Ed Ogeron and Houston Nutt of rock and roll. And just like at the end of an Ole Miss game, Damn Yankees' land mark video "High Enough" ends with them mowed down with bullets and left for dead while a crazed redneck plays a blistering guitar solo.
The SEC East: Sunset Strip Division
Florida: Def Leppard
Between Pyromania and Hysteria Def Leppard was the biggest metal band in the world. Nobody came close. Then there was a long inexplicable spiral to metal's rock bottom -- touring with Bryan Adams. Florida's dominance under Urban Meyer went through a similar peak and fall leaving us wondering if the Gators are following the same career path. If Florida trots out a one-armed kicker next season, prepare for the worst.
Girls loved Poison for their hair, make-up and catchy metal tunes. Dudes hated them because they seemed a little soft and never took their sound to the edge. Poison albums were the glam metal equivalent of 9-3 seasons; serviceable but not great. Hearing a girl in Atlanta talk your ear off about how, "It’s UGA’s year" is just as annoying as it was to hear a mall rat go on about how handsome Brett Michaels was.
Clearly, Kentucky doesn't take SEC football seriously and Warrant was not to be taken seriously either. We can all probably agree the fact this team was once coached by Bear Bryant is as shocking as the fact Warrant was once featured on the soundtrack for Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Also, Janie Lane was better looking than Ashley Judd. There, we said it.
South Carolina: Alice Cooper
OK. About all we've got is that Steve Spurrier and Alice Cooper both like golf. A lot. But the only thing funnier than seeing Vincent Damon Furnier swinging a driver is the mental image of Ole Ball Coach in horror metal make up. You’re welcome, readers.
Winger's breakthrough album arrived at the ass-end of the 80s and their brand of crap pop-metal was promptly crushed by the rise of grunge. Tennessee's success under Phil Fulmer was similarly swept aside by the new powers of the SEC led by the likes of Meyer, Miles and Saban. And don't forget, the annoying fat kid on Beavis and Butthead always wore a Winger shirt. Coincidence? Of course not.
Vanderbilt: Hanoi Rocks
In 1984 Finnish band Hanoi Rocks was on the verge of breaking big in the LA metal scene. Then one night their drummer jumped in the car with Vince Neil for a beer run and the dream came to an end. These days Vandy is riding high and it seems like the SEC is their Sunset Strip. They’re snorting up recruits like Tommy Lee and shooting up the SEC power polls like Nikki Sixx shot up black tar heroin. Just keep an eye on who's driving, Commodores.
The SEC Newbies: Lame Latecomers Division
Missouri enters the SEC with the kind of hurry up, shotgun based style offense that we've all seen before, but always done better and in games you might actually remember in a few years, just like these Canadian rockers are generic post grunge hard rock that sound like everyone else without being memorable in any way, shape, or form. Also, both frontmen have a thing for drunk driving.
Texas A&M: Creed
Since 1995 humans with ears have mocked Creed for their bland rip off of Pearl Jam. Since 1894 literate Texans have mocked the Aggies for being the Auburn of the Southwest. Will Longhorns fans lend a shoulder ... Err ..hand in passing the torch in ridiculing the Aggies' weird male cheerleaders. Time will tell! All we know is that we will accept that torch with Arms Wide Open
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