Last week, as with the Alabama secondary and Johnny Manziel's decision-making, I could have gone much better. I shall endeavor to rebound in this pretty awful slate of games.
Show your work: Week Three 3-3, Overall 13-10
RE Boise v AFA: "I hate this spread, because playing the triple option flexbone is always a weird experience, but I love the total. This one is going over 57."
RE: Oregon v. Tennessee: "Oregon is going to torture the Vols."
RE: UCF @ Penn State: "Penn State will pull away in the second half."
RE: Oregon St. v. Utah: "Utah sends the Beavers into a death spiral." (ed note: this game went to OT and it could have happened, dammit.)
On to Week Four:
Fresno -3.5 v. Boise: The media love the narrative of Fresno dethroning the Broncos. Not happening in this game, folks. Fresno gives up rushing yards-per-game like a Sri Lankan (nee Ceylon-ian) turning tricks....and the secondary is worse. Boise has already had their per annum beating in Washington; they will not gack in Fresnotucky. Take the Broncos.
(actual search result for "Boise State Weirdo")
Vanderbilt -32.5 @ UMass: I know the Minutemen are horrible. I also know that Vandy travel like a plate of refrigerated butt, and the defense is tur'ble. Crispus Attucks takes one for the team, as UMass covers.
San Jose State +3.5 @ Minnesota: The spread essentially says the two teams are identical. They are not. SJSU was game against Stanford. Would anyone predict that outcome with a team that struggles with the Western Illinoises of life? Nope. Besides, Gophers are horrible vermin that should be drowned in their nests.
UGA -33.5 v. No. Tex.: Nice run, Dan. The buck stops here though as Evil Richt uncorks one of his 56-3(ish) type beatings at home against an overmatched opponent.
Florida -16.5 v Tennessee: The next time Tennessee covers the spread against a D-1, AQ team will be the first under Butch. Hint: Not this game in the Swamp, with awful LBs, no pass rush, terrible tackling, a young secondary, an open QB competition, and zero passing threat. Driskel will even look competent. #GoGata.
Alabama -40 v. Colorado State: Saban is generally not a dick to former coaches. Ask Dantonio how that worked out. This will be a Crimson bludgeoning, as the bench is cleared early and the Tide is exceptionally pissy about that 86th overall defensive rank.
LSU -17 v. Auburn: Behind on mortgage? Need to cover student loans? About to get repo'd? This crush porn at night, in Death Valley, should satisfy both your pecuniary and prurient interests. The only reason this line is so low is that quarterly Ag Subsidy checks have arrived on the Plains, thus diverting the Auburn faithful from their ordinary spending on whittling supplies and shoulder-length cattle insemination gloves. LSU may literally kill a human being this game.
Texas -5 v. Kansas State: One team coaches, one team tries to play defense, one team tries to run the ball, one team does not have a concussed coaching staff. That team is the road team. Seriously, everything about Texas football makes me vomit in my mouth at this point. EMAW.
Yes. Yes, I do.