Are You Not Entertained? Week Two National Action

lol Maction... - Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Week Two Spreads and Picks

First, let's show our work (6-4)

Humblebrags:

Re NIU-Iowa "The only salve in this existential font of suck is that Iowa, "coached" by Ferentz and Greg Davis, will find a way to lose this. And the reckoning will be in painful, B1G-ish fashion. Both Kierkegaard and I like the Huskies to cover and win straight up."

Re Alabama-VT: "When Nick Saban says that he is excited to watch his own team play, that can only mean that he and the Droogs are ready for a bit of the ole' ultraviolence. Alabama covers this by halftime and never relents."

Re Georgia-Clemson: no one knows who is going to lay down the gauntlet of Derp. [Georgia. It was Georgia]

Wrong as a Four Dollar Bill:

Re LaTech-NCSU: "I like La Tech to keep this one close in a high scoring derpfest"

Re Auburn-Wazzu: "I'd take Auburn laying double the points."

On to this week, a pretty bland affair given the great games we had last week...

BC -3 v Wake Forest:

Will I bet on the ACC? Yes. Yes, I will. Will I bet on college football's version of Tiny Tim (crippled, well-known, obnoxious) in Boston College? Hell. No. Take Wake on the road.

USF +23.5 @ Michigan State:

Sparty could score 24 points in three games...on 12 safeties. USF may be one of the worst teams we'll see this year. This game will be f'n putrid. That said, I just can't trust Sparty. Give me the Bulls sorta' rebounding.

Judgment-at-nuremberg-title-still_medium

Probably more uplifting than the above games

Miami (OH) +17 at Kentucky

What happens when one of the worst MAC teams collides with one of the worst Big 6 schools? Entertainment goes to die, certainly. Also, for a certainty, Kentucky couldn't cover 17 against Miami (OH) in basketball right now, much less football. I like the cradle of coaches here.

Illinois v Cincinnati -9

Yes, these are exactly the kind of games Tuberville loses. I get that. But, Tim Beckman is a defeated man, helming a godawful program, and basically begging to be fired for that sweet buyout money. Plus, it's not duck season in Southern Ohio. Fake Animals over Fake Indians.

Illini_medium

Culturally-sensitive Sicilian is just the treatment that a fake Indian tribe deserves.

Oregon -24.5 at Virginia

By halftime, we'll need all of those inspirational ESPN takes regarding Mike London's hard Richmond life. The truth is, he has rarely seen as gruesome a body count as the one the Ducks are about to create on the road. SIDEWAYS GLOCKS IN CHARLOTTESVILLE!

Baylor -28.5 v Buffalo

Do not fear the hook; fear the Bears. You should not, however, fear "bears."  The latter have a demonstrable ability to grow amazing goatees; the former are just Baptists in Central Texas covering 4+ touchdowns

Notre Dame v Michigan -4.5

Notre Dame has the same playbook as last year: Play it close to the vest, and win ugly. Michigan has been reborn in fire. This is the last time the two meet for the foreseeable future, in a rivalry that I suspect means more to the Wolverines than the subways in Chicago. At night, in Ann Arbor, with superior talent, I suspect Michigan wins handily.

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