RBR Investigations: Saban's contract demands

Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

While Paul Finebaum takes credit for announcing the terms of the offer that would have lured Coach Saban to Texas, Roll Bama Roll has the real scoop on the precise details of the deal that didn't happen.

Paul Finebaum says the Big Cigars from Burnt Orange Nation came a courting for Nick Saban, to the tune of NINE figures, and a signing bonus equal to or greater than the current severance obligations at Tennessee and Auburn combined!

If that's the case, and Gene Wojochowski is putting his name to it too, then some might consider Alabama lucky for keeping The Process in Tuscaloosa, but the Barons of Bellmont needed more than just cash to lure Saban.

See, see Rider

Often, it's the details that trip you up. Touring musicians have often carried highly detailed contract addenda (the rider) that stipulated all manner of guarantees and demands. The legendary document, a 1982 contract for Van Halen, includes in its 53 pages a famous provision that the band have a large bowl M&Ms in the dressing room… But with all the brown ones removed. (that's RAYCISS!)

Was there an issue with the dyes and flavoring of said candies, that would cause Michael Anthony to develop a strange tic? Nope. Did David Lee Roth have an aversion to the color? Nah – it was just a quick way for the tour manager to determine upon arrival if the host promoter had bothered to read the damned contract. If they didn't read the M&M thing, then do we have the right voltage running to our monitor amps?

Process. Saban not only approves, he had some rider items of his own that eventually were too much for even the weirdness of Austin to bear.

RBR Investigations presents --  The Saban Code:

In addition to the previously stated salary compensation, allowed expenses and performance bonus targets and rewards, Coach Saban demands the completion of the following stipulations to ensure pleasant working conditions and a happy Miss Terri:

  • A medium sized Cobb salad for lunch
  • 5 croutons
  • Ranch dressing
  • and none of that lite or lo-cal ranch crap, neither
  • silverware for the salad
  • and I mean plastic, because I only have time to tell my assistant to throw them away. Cleaning real silver, ain't nobody got time for that, aight?
  • Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies (2)
  • tell Debbie I want the diacritic accent over the e in Crème
  • 12-pack of diet soda. Not Sam's
  • A private plane for recruiting
  • A pilot who knows how to keep secrets
  • A dossier of the pilot's secrets
  • A new set of Ping clubs every year
  • A new putter every week, because those defective bastards bend way too easily
  • Tony Stark's latest portable arc reactor, to keep Scott Cochran moving
  • Tickets to every movie showing in Cobb cinemas
  • Andy Griffith on Blu-Ray, but not with the 5.1 surround sound, because nobody got time for all that extra noise, aight?
  • An Escalade for Miss Terri
  • An air-conditioned barn for my ducks
  • Mack Brown's cell number.
  • An apology from Colt McCoy, for getting hurt.
  • A restraining order barring Cleve Thomas, Major Applewhite, and Greg Davis from appearing in state.
  • An NSA-style kill switch on the SwagCopter
  • An NSA-style tap on Art Briles' phone
  • An NSA-style denial of anything Paul Finebaum says
  • Statewide recognition of Metric seconds, because nobody wants the game running that fast, aight?
  • A keylogger on Clay Travis' Computer
  • Autonomy within football operations (*)
  • A fried kielbasa sausage on a stick
  • A Wierd-ectomy in Austin
  • An aloe vera plant for the office
  • A stuffed ocelot for the office.
  • A live ocelot for the office, the plays dead when we play "Hold That Tiger"
  • Permanent Guest-host slot on The View
  • The banjo Steve Martin played in the Muppet Movie.
  • Kaiser Soze's limp
  • A punter who knows when to ignore the automatic
  • That Robot skeleton that talks like Morgan Freeman
  • a catheter.
  • not for me, it's for a friend
  • A little Red Corvette
  • A raspberry beret (like the kind you find in a secondhand store)
  • A New York Jets playbook
  • That Wall-E robot, but programmed to serve drinks
  • A woodchopper, and some quirky neighbors
  • A Grand Canyon picture-book
  • Peace in the middle east
  • A screening of The Exorcist
  • A boat
  • A ski-doo
  • A napkin
  • The WCW Heavyweight Title (replica okay)
  • A statue of me at the Texas state fairgrounds
* - items rejected by Texas (return to list)

#ParodyPost

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