FanPost

FIVE KEY QUESTIONS FOR THE CRIMSON TIDE

1. Which QB will get "the nod?" Another year, another QB battle, this time between Jake Coker and David Cornwell. And it seems like every year, we're entering Fall camp wondering which QB will slay the other QB with a shepard's crook (or perhaps a large stone) and be summarily sentenced to a wandering life in contemporary nothern Iran. ("Nod" is coach-speak for The Land of Nod, which, according to the Book of Genesis in the Hebrew Bible, is located "east of Eden," and is where Cain was exiled by God after murdering his brother Abel.) Moreover, will the wideouts "click?"

2. Who will run onto the field at safety? Everyone knows there's "safety in numbers," yet every player is REQUIRED to wear numbers (thanks, Obama). And as Nick Saban famously HATES revealing depth charts, how will players know who is the safety and who is something else entirely, such as an offensive tackle or a run-ballman? Let's hope first-year secondary coach Mel Tucker can find the right guys before each play and say, "You are a safety," and that the safeties decide to trust this stranger.

3. Is punter JK Scott a mule in a people suit, or some kind of half-mule, half-man abomination? This could be a critical question for the Tide, as the possibly equine (or part equine) punter with the freakishly strong, cloven-hooved leg was a HUGE weapon for the Tide in 2014. The NCAA has VERY DIFFERENT rules regarding animals pretending to be humans vs. the godless nightmare science of human/animal gene splicing. While we're sure Alabama's compliance department is all over this, it sure would hurt to lose a costumed foal, or possibly reverse-centaur, of Scott's caliber.

4. Who will replace Amari Cooper? SOMEONE -- Chris Black, maybe Robert Foster or ArDarius Stewart -- needs to STEP UP and reveal himself as the Skinsuit Chameleon killer who stole Amari Cooper's face. I look forward to seeing which of these guys comes out strong, in Cooper's blood-splattered, ill-fitting uniform, wearing the gifted receiver's leathery, dessicated severed face as a ghoulish fright-mask.

5. Is college football in any way ethical or moral? Does it make any sense at all for plutocrats to continue to line their coffers will the blood money squeezed from indentured child gladiators, whose brains are literally dying inside, abetted by hypocritical public educational systems? Does our fandom makes us not only complicit observers, but willing participants in the systemic oppression and destruction of (especially black and low socioeconomic status) lives, for the shallow sake of a fickle entertainment? We're good? Okay, four questions.

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BONUS: ONE QUESTION FOR LSU

1. De-bah cello, dayuh quadduhback, heebee duh bauduh-baydough fais doo doo. Ummuh poke-u-pahn, gatah-flubbah, uh bayeaux thibadeaux Fournette run dah-dambawl. Whudda yeeyaw envelope infibuhtrey? GEAUX TIGAAAHHHHS.

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