The plane! The plane!

Of all of the rampant speculation that has taken place in the blogosphere over the course of the past  nine days, none has been quite as amusing as that surrounding the movements of the aircraft belonging to the University of Alabama Board of Trustees. Teterboro, Pensacola, Little Rock, Columbia, Tuscaloosa - the scrutiny with which these flights are being observed is mind boggling.

And, of course, all this really does is feed more speculation, rumor, and faux innuendo.

What none of us really know, of course, is what is happening at any given time during these flights, and why. Therefore, I will now speculate as to the goings-on aboard UA01 during a recent flight from Tuscaloosa to Teterboro:

• 800 hours: UA01 departs Tuscaloosa, Alabama, carrying Athletic Director Mal Moore, Trustee Paul Bryant, Jr., two pilots, and two attendants.
• 807 hours: With the plane having reached cruising altitude, Moore tells Bryant that he "has to see a man about a horse".
• 822 hours: Moore returns to his seat, and cautions Bryant against using the on-board restroom for "at least half an hour".
• 834 hours: Bryant, ignoring Moore's warning, leaves his seat and heads torward the rear of the plane.
• 836 hours: Bryant returns to the cabin area looking somewhat pale. On his way back to his seat, he open-hand slaps Moore in the back of the head and calls him a "rotten son of a bitch".
• 845 hours: Drinks are served. Bryant has a bloody mary, Moore a Seven and Seven, light on the seven.
• 900 hours: In-flight movie ("Stripes").
• 1045 hours: Bryant and Moore say a brief prayer for the late John Candy.
• 1112 hours: Plane arrives in Teterboro.

The plane sits on the ground at Teterboro for approximately four hours. No one under the sun has any reasonable idea as to what takes place during this time, aside from a full-scale disinfection of the aircraft's restroom.

• 1530 hours: Plane departs Teterboro.
• 1546 hours: Moore leaves his seat and heads toward the rear of the cabin. Bryant punches Moore in the chest and beats him to the restroom.
• 1549 hours: Bryant exits the restroom and passes Moore (still rubbing his chest) in the aisle. Moore enters the restroom as Bryant yells "Just ruin it, bitch!" in his wake.
• 1605 hours: Moore returns to his seat in silence.
• 1630 hours: Drinks are served. Bryant opts for a bourbon and water; Moore decides upon a buttery nipple.
• 1640 hours: Movie time again. After viewing approximately seven minutes of "Amadeus", Moore and Bryant become restless and somewhat abusive of the flight attendants. The movie is stopped. More drinks are served, and an encore presentation of "Stripes" is commenced.
• 1720 hours: Another prayer for the late, great John Candy, this time followed by a sloppy yet heartfelt rendition of "When the Roll is Called Up Yonder".
• 1733 hours: After several minutes of reflective silence, Moore farts loudly into his leather-upolstered captain's chair. Bryant again open-hand slaps Moore in the back of the head.
• 1804 hours: Plane arrives in Tuscaloosa.

An altogether successful excursion by anyone's standards.

Roll Tide.