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UT Hate Week: A Casual Observer's Guide to Vols Football: Part 1

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While dedicated college football fans are typically knowledgeable on a wide spectrum of teams and their histories/traditions, the casual observer may not know anything more specific about a team than their colors or reputation for thuggery.  It is with this in mind that I have compiled a list of "things to know" about this weekend's opponent, the Tennessee Volunteers.  First up, the coaching staff:

Head Coach - Phillip Fulmer

Phillip Fulmer has been described as "a genius," "the greatest coach to ever walk the planet," and "one handsome devil" by Vols fans.  No one listens to them, though, since no one listens to ignorant hillbillies, and his reputation among those more familiar with college football and not hampered by a lifetime's worth of moonshine is far less flattering.  He's known primarily for his success in recruiting the cream of the crop from our nations prisons, insane asylums, and Texas, and for being a big, fat, disgusting blob that bathes in giant tubs of Sam's Choice Imitation Velveeta to maintain his filthy hide's slimy texture.

Offensive Coordinator - David Cutcliffe

The successor to last year's OC  (a homeless guy hanging out in the parking lot of Neyland Stadium that Fulmer hired after watching Happy Gilmore and figuring if a homeless caddy could bring Gilmore luck, why not go get himself a homeless assistant?), Cutcliffe is the mastermind behind the QB play of both Peyton and Eli Manning and the current re-birth of Erik (that's really how he spells it) Ainge.  Many attribute this to his abilities at shaping young talent, while those in the know understand it's a combination of mind control, surgically implanted computer chips, and threats of violence against the young man's family.

Defensive Coordinator - John Chavis

Chavis, the philanthropist of the group, has been widely hailed by the Vol nation for his extensive volunteer efforts with the Knoxville Home for Wayward Girls, Teen Mothers of Tennessee, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and Planned Parenthood of Greater Knoxville.