In case you did not catch the Texas v. Kansas State game on Saturday night, let me just summarize by saying that K-State was leading 31-0 in the third quarter despite not having a single passing yard. Later, they scored another touchdown to make it 37-0 when Texas blocked the PAT... only to have the K-State kicker pick up the loose ball and run it in for a two-point conversion. And Kansas State did this all with a back-up quarterback, and in fact Garrett Gilbert threw more passes to K-State players (5) than did their own quarterback (2). Now Texas finds itself in the unenviable position of needing to pull off an upset of either Oklahoma State or Texas A&M just to get to Shreveport, and if they cannot do that they won't even make a bowl game this season.
Given all that, the meltdown is every bit as good as you would expect.
Joining Texas in meltdown time this week are Alabama (puke), Oklahoma, and Utah. No one needs reminding of our loss to LSU in Baton Rouge, but Oklahoma went down hard against Texas A&M in College Station after they dug themselves an early hole and later were unable to convert short-yardage goal line situations, and Utah was absolutely annihilated by TCU in Salt Lake City. They wore some god awful special uniforms, and as it turned out those things weren't nearly as ugly as their on-field performance.
The topic list this week includes: Maker's Mark, heroine, impotence, burning houses, the Weedeater Bowl, Gene Chizik, Cam Newton, wood chippers, coonasses, support groups, rapes, rape showers, abortions, fetuses, crack whores, corndogs, cromagnons, Stephen Hawking, Popeyes, Abita, Legion Field, Orlando, John Blake, El Paso, Stubhub, condoms, bingo, Shreveport, grasshoppers, Linda Ronstadt, gin, Jose Cuervo, blank checks, JUCOs, Taylor Swift, AIDS, lingerie, two girls one cup, waterboarding, monkeys, Brett Favre, plane crashes, Alzheimers, strip clubs, Bob Davie, goats, ninjas, water boys, chainsaws, swords, diarrhea, constipation, Les Miles, strippers, lap dances, executions, amphetamines, and last but not least uncontrollable vaginal hemorrhages.
Now you know the standard warning, but take even extra precaution this week because it's worse than usual. Consider yourself warned. Enjoy after the jump:
Time to see if I can pass out before I succumb to alcohol poisoning
I need more Maker's Mark / heroin
This isn’t Bama football. This season’s fucked beyond fucked. Fuck it
Our coaches are the ones that have eaten penis this year.
I've never watched an impotent man rape my girlfriend but I bet it feels about the same as 3rd and long with the game on the line and watching pick six lee do that to us
Our cornerbacks need to be left tied up in a burning house while the fire department looks on from the street.
I need to get laid with a woman watching. Make it a spectator sport. I’ll film it and send the tape to the defense. It’ll show them how not to get fucked.
Defensively, overall, our coaches are fucking arrogant dipshits. Jordan Jefferson completed fewer passes against AU than UTC did against AU…we are arrogant pricks.
The D needs to run stadium steps while all those drunken connasses laugh at them
Between Garcia, Jefferson, and Lee all lighting us up, our defense has basically become a support group for shitty, depressed quarterbacks lacking confidence.
Our defense might be taking a rape shower all off-season.
Six months of sobriety! Fuck my life!
What's the big deal? We are still going to Atlanta – for the Chickfila Bowl
fuck whiskey. time for hard drugs.
Hey Defense go fuck yourselves!!!!! That’s got to be one of the worst performances I have ever seen. Hello, Weedeater bowl.!
Why didn’t we hire Gene Chizick? Can we trade coaches?
Giving up a big play on 3rd and 13 is unacceptable!!!!!! The D is shit!
These shit stains just won't wash off
That being said, I’d rather be skull fucked to death with a thorned cock than watch a replay of that game…
Randle was in Tiger Stadium. Somehow, Milliner decided he'd run somewhere in the general direction of Houma. Even with Human Interception Reel, that's a problem
We just lost to Les Fucking Miles. Motherfucker eats grass on national TV and he beats us. I’m gonna go jump in a wood chipper now.
Our defense has more holes in it that a crack whores grill.
After the Sports Illustrated "Dynasty" cover we were fucked from the get go.
we have 5 star players on D with 2 star brains
Just saw a Popeyes commercial and ofcourse they mention Louisana and I think of the game today and want to put a shotgun in my mouth
Is this what it feels like to catch your girl masterbating with an undercooked corndog? Really, a retarded corndog is better than me?
This team is going to need to be very lucky to not have a Bulldog cock up their asses
We just lost to a team with a cromagnon and a quarterback with the talent of Stephen fucking Hawking
Stephen Garcia, Jordan Jefferson, and Jarrett Lee. I'm not sure outside of Vandy I can name 3 worse QBs. Shit we could of had Tenn.’s 2 extra DBs and still not stopped them. Son of a Bitch.
Aubie will beat up by 40
That LSU offense could have lined up in Lafayette and still converted that third down
500 pages in that defensive playbook and Milliner still didn't 't get that memo to not let a receiver run right by you on 3rd and 13
Our offense line really needs to man up, their vaginas are showing
I guess Vlachos woke up this morning and said, "I think I'm going to make a legend out of Nevis today."
Theres not enough Abita in this shithole state to erase this one from memory
Admit it already, the Arkansas game was a fluke, and had Penn State and Florida not sucked we'd be a .500 team right now headed back to Legion Field
Watch this team pack this shit in and end up 8-5. These guys are used to playing for national championships and now our best case scenario is Orlando? That will not end well
If you do not think Auburn would have put 650 yards on us yesterday you are delusional.
Don't know why everyone kept telling all of those Crowton jokes earlier in the year, should have been telling McElwain jokes.
McElwain is a fucking joke. We've got as much talent and experience as any offense in the country and we can barely get in the top half of our own conference on offense. Dipshit was at Fresno State for a reason people.
This team is filled with pussies. Look at what has happened in the fourth quarter against South Carolina and LSU. We make our own asses quit.
Hightower jogs around, doesn't rush the passer, doesn't cover, doesn't play the run, and then pops the hell out of someone as he's about to go out of bounds and then wants to talk shit like he's a badass or something. Guy has made one play all year, if that.
Cam Newton won't just win the Heisman against us, he'll become the #1 pick in the NFL Draft.
Les Miles looks like a rocket scientist compared to our coaches.
I hear John Blake is available!!!! Let's bring him back!!!!
Bob Stoops is the second most overrated coach in college football behind Mack Brown.
Is Les Miles a better football coach than Bob Stoops?
Is the Holiday Bowl starting to look like wishful thinking now?
I'm actually glad. The ass raping we would have received in a BCS bowl would not have been appreciated.
And the matador defense returns
Let's just theoretically say I need to find a hotel room in El Pasa right after Christmas, where should I look?
I'm breaking out the safe sex butt condom for next weekend when Stoops plunges it deep and ugly
Just great, no Aggie jokes for a whole year
I nominate Stoops to join Mack Brown and Joe Paterno in the overrated head coach
How big of pussies are we to go 0 for 600 from the one inch line against Texas Fucking A&M?
The 12th man? From the looks of our offense they had 18 men on defense
We are Aggie's bitch FUCKK!!!!!
If Texas can not shit the bed in the last three weeks, they should have an OU v Texas rematch in Shreveport
Bleeding from our asses... not what I expected when I overpaid for tickets on Stubhub
This just in, Hodges tackled Landry again on the way to the bus and when he went into his hotel room
Gundy will put up 70 on us. In the first half.
Seriously people, tell me, why would it be such a bad fucking idea if our offense decided to huddle once in a while?
If Cyrus Gray played our sorry ass defense every week he probably wouldn't be considered a bust
I'd be embarrassed if I lost to Mike Sherman in bingo, but football?
Thank God for roughing the passer or we'd never score
this fucking god damned team was in the MNC game just TEN months ago, and now they look like a fucking junior college team.
Constipation runs betters than GD's offenses do.
I knew we were fucked when our faggot ass quaterback said he was a Taylor Swift fan
Everyone on this team can go fuck themselves in the ass and die of face AIDS
I can really feel us turning a corner! Watch out Okie Lite, we might get within 28 of you!
I wouldn't bet on us against one of those lingerie football teams right now. We fucking suck.
59 passing attempts against the worst rushing D in the country...solid gameplan.
Poor Gilbert, he will be scarred for life because his coach is an idiot and does not bench him. The poor kid has ZERO confidence. Mack Brown is a fucking idiot and should die in a fire.
This is a Chinese anal monkey abortion
I think at this point I'd rather watch "two girls one cup" than the rest of this football game.
I'm waterboarding myself right now
We should have just sent Cam Newton a blank check this summer.
The good news is that if I drink alcohol with my medicine I will become violently ill. I'm thinking about trying it.
It is awesome that the best thing to happen to Texas football this year - other than giving Nebraska a cunt punt send off - was some retard at the coop ordering $50k in crapass, retard statues and displaying them in a parking lot.
somebody needs to hide Gilbert's helmet, or at least take a big shit in it
Right now, I think I'm more pissed at the poster on here that had a chance to run over Greg Davis last week.
How the hell is he still in there? Fuck you, Mack Brown. Fuck you.
You are a fucking idiot. It is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to do worse than Gibblet has. We have zero points and he has 4 fucking picks in a half. He is shit.
I am about to need to a new laptop. Fucking fuck.
"After over 100 years, the University of Texas has dropped football as a sport." That's the only fucking explanation I can come up with
Kansas State is going to blow us out and not have one fucking passing yard.
am i dead? am i in hell? my fucking god what the fucking hel?
Fuck you Mack Brown with Brett Favre's 4 inch dick
Can I trade places with an aborted fetus?
The Goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!
My ass could fart a better ball than GG can throw
Does Mack have fucking alzheimers? What the fuck is this shit? Muschamp punch him in the fucking face please.
I'm going to the strip and I'm going to fuck a stripper without a condom. Fucking Jesus.
What are the odds that the Co-op statues could do better than this team?
I hate this. I hate our piece of shit offense and I hate our lazy ass coaching staff. I hate Bob Davie. I hate Kansas State. I hate losing. I hate all of you. I hate myself. I hate Texas football.
Fuck Greg Davis. Fuck him in the goat ass.
Please guys. Please do something you fucking assholes. Anything. Pull your dicks out and piss on McWhorter. Take a shit in the Gatorade. DO SOMETHING!!!!!
greg davis makes me want to curb stomp a fuckin baby, fuck this shit, we need a shit ton of paintballs and ninjas, then maybe he can get a fucking clue.
I'm thinking of masturbating while hanging myself. that's gotta feel better than watching this game.
getting your asshole hairs plucked by Christy Brown probably feels better than watching this shit
Has there been any phase of the game that hasn't been an abortion? Maybe our water boy carried more water?
if I see that son of a bitch Brown clap one more time, I'm gonna take a chainsaw to his arms.
if gilbert throws another int, or if we're goose egged i'm destroying my tv with my sword
Okie State is going to pummelfuck us while we eat shit sandwiches and smile.
Greg Davis is diarrhea.
how fucking dare you insult diarrhea like that...you better fucking take that back...
They need to fire whoever was in charge of dressing Mack and not taking the fucking official licensed product hologram off his shirt.
Mike Gundy is a Man, and he's going to run 40 inches of Cowpoke cock right up our pucker.
if osu only scores 49 i will suck the cock or lick the pussy of every shaggy poster registered.
I expect an epic buttfucking of gladiatorial proportions. We will not enjoy it, and it will not be over quick.....
this is no shit...somewhere, right now, Les Miles is getting a lap dance from an 18 year old stripper and laughing about how bad we suck while reviewing our commit list and deciding who to gaffle from it
But really firing isn't the answer guys.....I prefer waterboarding.
We do not need firings. We need executions.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
The Texas Longhorns 2010 football season was pronounced dead at 10pm CST on November 6, 2010 on the visiting sidelines of Bill Snyder Family Stadium in Manhattan, Kansas. The cause of death was listed as cardiac arrest brought about by a massive, uncontrollable vaginal hemorrhage.