Face it, college football is better when Texas is losing. Well, perhaps not better, but definitely more entertaining. Nothing on Broadway in decades has been anywhere near as funny as a Texas message board after the Longhorns go down, and that was again the case this past weekend with Oklahoma State having their way in Austin.
Outside of Texas, with the college football season turning towards the second half there was no shortage of meltdown material across the country, but for purposes of brevity we've capped the piece this week to three more schools. Florida put on one of its ugliest performances since the Carter administration, allowing a weak Auburn team to win with ease simply because the Gators couldn't field a punt, and the once-proud Gator fans were fuming with rage. Meanwhile, Tennessee continues to fall even farther, and with the Vols not even being able to put up a decent fight against LSU more than a few are turning on Derek Dooley. And, of course, we have Ole Miss. Why not? At the end of the day we always have Colonel Reb to kick around.
Subjects of meltdown time this week include dogs, kittens, drunk film review, whiskey, drugs, thrown laptops, Peyton Manning, third graders, flag football, breakdancing, virgins, steroids, Fran, Yankees, Anal Cancer Awareness, tofu, jello, breathalyzers, slaughterhouses, Omaha Steaks, Marcell Dareus, Pasadena, the Allies, the Soviet Union, paralysis recovery centers, porno, Solyndra, drunken urination, hookers, crabs, Scientology, Ron Zook, Valium, Ray Goff, toasters, fat suits, Steve Adazzio, Manute Bol, insomnia, NAPA, lesbians, suicide, cheeseburgers, Bourbon Street, Marines, gay pride, national radio, chainsaws, Omaha Beach, welfare benefits, Roseanne, caves, strychnine, tennis season, hemorrhoids, Astroglide, tree poisoning, alien invasions, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, Jacksonville State, South Panola, and ComicCon.
As always, this piece is in no way safe for work, and should not be read by anyone who is easily offended by foul language. Consider yourself warned. Click below for the jump for Meltdown Time. Enjoy:
When I retire I want to be a TExas O-line man so I can sit on my fat ass all day
Oline was so bad my dog fell off the couch.
if allen sees another down...i'll fucking kill a kitten....
My guess is Searels shows up drunk to be able to make it through watching game tapes of this shit.
Prepare your anus.
Well that makes my decision easy: Whiskey
I wish you'd shut your fucking cock-holster.
this is why i take drugs.
we gotta stop em now or i throw laptop against wall
Harsin using Ash like hes fucking Peyton Manning as a true freshman.
The 3rd graders playing in the flag football game i watched earlier were more disciplined. Actually, the play calling was slightly better too...
Fuck. Any suggestions for how to make another fucking 5-7 Squints v2 season more tolerable?
I hope gundy goes into Mack's office after the game and starts breakdancing
This one is gonna burn, like the burn I had after that girl who said she was a virgin
Jackson Shipley needs to raid his bro's steroid stash.
Goddamn fucking run a normal offense! RUN THE GODDAMN BALL! GIVE SHIPLEY THE BALL!
texas football: It's fran-tastic!
Suck my balls. You are buying into the idiocy that guarantees a 5-7 season. Enjoy it fucker.
Apparently there was some dude sucking his cock the entire game that kept them from changing QBs.
fuck that cock sucking yankee faggot. i want ron franklin back. hearing a yankee call texas games is blasphemy.
and people wonder why we always lose recruiting battles with LSU.
Piss on you, whore. You will personally get zero dollars from my ass. As I said, I'll be happy to donate $150 to Anal Cancer Awareness (if that's your choice) in your name.
Fordham's "seven blocks of granite?" We've got two blocks of sandstone, two blocks of tofu and three blocks of (fruity) jello. I'll leave it to Shaggy to determine which are what.
Moral victory. yeah!!!!11!!!
Who doesn't take a 4 year vacation from recruiting sometimes?
My computer needs a breathalyzer
DKR has turned into a fucking bovine slaughterhouse. Omaha Steaks probably owns title to the goddamn building now.
Clapping don't count for points you man titted motherfucker
Darrius cock punched this whole fucking program in Pasadena
More five star recruits will fix eveything. Allies not approaching France. Soviet Union surrendering any day now.
Stop it with this #6 team in the country bullshit. Okie State has never ranked that high in anything except fucking their sisters, it's a meaningfuless fucking number
There is no progress there is only temporarily less shittiness
Fuck Gideon I hope it's a goddamn career ender and I'm sad it didn't happen when he was a high school freshman
We must recruit paralysis recovery centers looking for offensive linemen
I ain't seen a porno to yet with someone who could suck a dick like our linemen
I swear to God I'd send every fucking olineman to Guantanamo if I were Mack.
You puke your guts out. You know your going to shit them out next. But you feel good for now. That feeling is this football team
I got so drunk last night I pissed all over myself and ruined our new couch. Still better than watching this team play
Solyndra was money well spent compared to Mack's salary
That money I spent getting crabs from that wetback hooker was well spent compared to Mack
Go figure: That Boise shit don't work when you're not with the Scientology fucker and playing San Jose State
WTF does Rainey have dicks for fingers?
Muschamp is making Zook look all world.
Time to pull out the "Wait 'til Next Year" banners.
Bring back Urban!!!
I haven't seen that many muffs since I stumbled across my dad's porn collection
Going to be a real tight race between Rainey and Reed for the Steaming Pile of Dog Shit award. maybe they can split it.
Expletives fail me. Richt may get his win this year.
fitting end to this pile of shit
Good gawd. We've sunken to Valium Meyer/Daztard level again.
Muschamp really is a bulldog. He is antisubmarining our progam. He reminds me of Ray Gofff WAY too much
Good gawd. We've sunken to Valium Meyer/Daztard level again.
Fire the whole fvkin Staff, I will say it again...Fire Muschamp, he does not have the coaching nor ability too lead this team, now or ever!! He's going to be another Steve Spurrier.
Let's forfeit the rest of this season and move on.
I just slammed my penis in my bedroom door, it felt better than watching this team.
Should have stuck it in the toaster and at least scored.
Urban wouldn't have been able to handle this, let alone a completely healthy coach. Forget esophageal spasms, his head would've exploded.
Can Addazio come back and be the offensive coordinator?
I swear to you that is addazzio in a fat suit calling plays
I just cut my wrists
DRiskel thinks he's throwing the ball to Manute Bol
I''ve discovered the perfect cure for insomnia. Just put a tape of this game in and you'll zone right out.
Where is that NAPA commercial when you need it to push you to suicide?
This is like watching fat lesbian porn. Not admitting how I know that.
Good call CHEESEBURGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3rd and ONE inch and put the guy in the shotgun. GAME MANAGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LSU had an easier time in Neyland than a Bourbon Street whorehouse
Apparently that drunk Marines face isn't the only thing Jefferson can kick the shit out of
Their coach eats grass, our coach dresses like he's marching in a gay pride parade
What is this? An offensive line with an actual human pulse? Did I die?
Time for Momma Dooley to embarass the program again on national radio
That Claiborne interception was a chainsaw to the sack
Poor bastards getting off the bus in Tuscaloosa will probably feel like those dumped on Omaha Beach
The closest the UT football program has got to greatness in the past four years was Peyton showing up today
We're going to go 5-7 against a schedule that Bama's JV team would go 9-3
Vandy's strength of schedule is taking a massive hit with us on it
Lost by 31 and it felt like 310
Simms completed eight passes today and two of them went to LSU. Kiffin should be burned at the stake for telling Boyd to piss off.
Rival fans used to tell Tennessee jokes. Now they just watch one of our games.
Fire em all and take their welfare benefits
We're the ugliest thing to hit TV since Roseanne returned
I've seen unexplored caves with more energy than Neyland had last night
We couldn't have moved the ball on their defense if they let us line up 14 players
Watch the rest of this shit if you want, but pass me the damn strychnine.
You look at DaRick and you think he's Terrell Owens and then you watch him play and you see why he was banging the fat chicks
After 36 years of thinking it couldn't get any worse, it just got worse.
How long until tennis season starts again?
The fact that a fucking PLAYER had the emotional outburst after that infected hemorrhoid rape of a game specifically because he’s smart enough to realize that we are losing because of said "coaching".
Were there not any Ole Miss vets to honor? We bent over for Bamma so bad we even forfeited the pregame ceremony
Worst Ole Miss Defense in HISTORY of the Program
Let's start cheating like crazy, I mean paying kids huge money, all of them. So what if we get caught and the NCAA vacates it and hammers us with sanctions? We weren't going to win any games anyway
Thanks a lot Bammer. They'll be showing that Richardson run for 50 years so this shithole team will live forever.
Ain't gonna be no Astroglide shortages in Oxford this morning because lord knows none got used last night
Good news? They didn't poison our trees. Bad news? They didn't just end it and go ahead and poison the trees.
That wasn't so much a football game as an alien invasion. I've seen Ole Miss take it up the arse many times but never like that
If 30-7 was unacceptable, what does that make 52-7?
Colonel Reb ain't crying, old fucker died in the night sometime last year
Ole Miss football will rise about the time that Jefferson Davis and Robert E. Lee do
First off thanks to Alabama, they donated us that easy touchdown to start things off, you know to really help out with self esteem and all. They could have won 100-0 but peeled it back to 52-7, which is better than anything Houston Dale has done for Ole Miss football in two years
At least it wasn't Jacksonville State
Glad the Bama fans showed up or VHS would have looked like South Panola was in town
Even their fifth string is raping our starters. They would have won by 30 if they left their two-deep roster in Tuscaloosa
I think we recruit ComicCon for football players