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What if I Told You Harvey Updyke Called Into Finebaum?

But they told me...
But they told me...

We've had somewhat of a self-imposed moratorium here on RBR for all Treegate stories mainly because (1) I couldn't care less about Toomer's trees, (2) I generally don't feel the need to waste my time discussing nutjobs, and between spring practice and the early successes of the 2012 recruiting class there have been plenty of topics to discuss about the 'Bama football program.

All that notwithstanding, however, some things are just too good to pass up, especially on what seems like the slowest news day of the year. Believe it or not, and no I am not making this up, as it turns out Harvey Updyke indeed called into Finebaum this afternoon. It was roughly as epic as you would probably expect. A few select quotes from the entire transcript, per SB Nation Atlanta:

By calling the show and telling them. I don't want those trees to die. I would give anything in the world if this had never happened. I don't want my legacy to be the Auburn tree-poisoner. I guess it's too late now. I listen to Paul Finebaum every day. I walk my dogs after it's over with. I get involved as everybody else. One day, [Glennon interject, pointing out Updyke has not confessed] I am Al from Dadeville. I called the show. I Man pushed the wrong button and did what he wanted to do.

I am not winning. I am losing. I know it's my fault. I shouldn't have called into your show. My rent has gone up three times as high as it was. They put me on a $50,000 bond. Wayne Barnes put the money up. I'm attempting to pay him back. I am losing a lot of stuff over this. Paul, I just want it to go away. I really believe they gon put me in prison. There's probably a third of the people sitting back and laughing at this train wreck. Some Alabama people believe me, and no Auburn people believe me. I was not afraid. If I'd planned this, it would've happened out in the sticks. There was a lot of people there. Why somebody didn't see it, I don't know.

Well, I can't blame them. I can understand. If I was an Auburn fan, I would be upset too. I just want to tell them I'm not a bad person. I'm a Alabama fan. Tommy Lewis and the '54 Cotton Bowl. He came off the bench and tackled the Rice player. They asked him why'd you do it? He said, "I just have too much Bama in me." Too full of Bama. To the Auburn people, I don't blame them. I'm gonna get what I deserve. [Says goodbyes.]

This is gonna make people mad, but I gotta do it. Roll damn Tide.

So, yeah, Harvey Updyke called into Finebaum. Turns out the dude drinks green tea and is well aware of Charlie Sheen and his winning ways. Who knew? And, also, while we'll have to wait until the obituaries come out tomorrow morning before we know for certain, I'm pretty sure his court-appointed attorney committed suicide somewhere about halfway through this interview.

In the end, Updyke apologized to everyone for his actions. Except Auburn.