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It's Meltdown Time...

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With the college football season starting to take off as the cupcake scheduling slowly but surely resides, Meltdown Time is starting to find its mid-season stride. Many strong candidates were in place after this weekend, but we've chosen to focus on three in particular, specifically Ole Miss, Auburn, and Ohio State

Ole Miss, forever the lost cause that it is, fell even further this past weekend with a blowout loss to lowly Vanderbilt, and Ohio State has fallen a long way from the Disaster in the Desert, as evidenced by their trouncing at the hands of post-Nevin Shapiro Miami. And Auburn, well, realistically the luck had to run out sometime and the terrible defense finally had to catch up with them, but no one quite figured that it would happen against Dabo Swinney and Clemson in the manner than it did, Auburn fans included. The respective fan bases reacted just about like we've come to expect.

Included this week in meltdown time are Jevan Snead, glue sniffing, colonoscopies, whiskey, IV's, abortions, ping pong, 2 girls 1 cup, Harvard, hymens, rape kits, Dolly Parton, Super Wal-Mart, Xbox, Cheetos, the Taj Mahal, welfare, LBJ, the Great Society, Nancy Grace, Casey Anthony, root canals, murder, AOL, Oakland, herpes, lawyers, Hoover High School, the REC, toilet paper, Ben Gay, the porn industry, Dave Rader, bongs, Harvey Updyke, Terry Bowden, Enron, homeless people, Memphis, I-65, Legion Field, midgets, castration, Arena League, Spencer Region, and acid trips.

As always, this piece is in no way safe for work, and should not be read by anyone who is easily offended by foul language. Consider yourself warned. Click below for the jump for Meltdown Time. Enjoy:

 

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Snead 2.0

Is it too early to sign Eli's daughter to play quarterback?

I can't wait to tell my future kids this is why Daddy drinks

Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue

I’m off to MEA to get that colonoscopy i’ve been putting off. It’ll be a hell of alot more fun than this bullshit.

Is there enough whiskey in this state for this bullshit?

Good lord…I need a bourbon iv with a case of beer on the side

Season tickets for sale

I'll give you seven bucks and an old Snead jersey

This is an absolute abortion

Looks like our money could be better spent doing something else, like ping pong, maybe. I can’t believe we pay these idiots to put together a "game plan" that asks Scott to run the ball nearly every play. Sometimes I think these guys have a learning disablility.

Take the kid out of the Bear costume and put him in as head coach

I think I would rather eat a shit sandwich than watch this

Was Johnny Vaught cryogenically frozen? Someone needs to look into this. Because it might be our only chance.

2 girls 1 cup and we're the ones eating the shit!

Turns out when we call ourselves the "Harvard of the South" we’re referring to their athletics instead of their academics.

Is it about time we started wearing bags on our heads to the Ole Miss games?

I'm going to the PD to see if they have a rape kit. Then I'm taking a shower

I JUST BROKE MY HYMEN

Who's ready to get our shit pushed in next weekend?

Gus Malzahn can come fuck my daughter if it'll get him to Oxford

He can have a go with my brother if that's his thing.

I'll get to motorboat Dolly Parton before Malzahn would even talk with Ole Miss.

I’d really love Tubby 1.0 the most though. All forgiven. He and the bitchy wife are now divorced (even though Oxford has both a Super Wal-Mart and a pretty good Kroger, so her issues are resolved).

Find fat kid who loves Xbox. Winner of NCAA Football 2011 Tournament. Probably has yellow stained fingers from cheetos. Put him in the press box with an Xbox. Let him call punt block on 3rd and short. Go for it on 4th down every time. Throw Hail Marys at random times. Lets win some games!

I WAS MOCKED AT A VANDERBILT GAME BY PEOPLE IN REPLICA JERSEYS!

We’ve had so many rebuilding years in a row that we could have erected the effing Taj Mahal, the Pyramids, and whatever the fuck they have in Dubai that’s really tall.

I’m over this shit.

Re: SEC. We weren't exactly in LBJ and the Great Society, but we've been on welfare since the 60's.

Id fuck Nancy Grace just to be Nick Saban Alabama for one day.

 

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Casey Anthony is embarrassed to be a Buckeye now.

Does she have another kid? If so, she just killed it.

Things I'd prefer over watching Bauserman play quarterback

- root canals

- a kick in the junk

- an eviction notice

How on earth did we end up with Bauserman? We have what 300 million people in this damn country and we end up with this jackass!?!?!!

Thank god we didn't play the SEC last night

Can somebody buy Bauserman something already so we can get this fucker off the field?

Woody would have murdered at least 10 people if OSU played for him the way they played tonight

Pathetic. Woody went out like a man by cold-cocking some prick bastard. Tress went out like a damn 13-year old girl who just got an AOL e-mail account.

I hope Pryor gets herpes in Oakland

We're the new Texas, just a bunch of lazy entitled pussies shocked that everyone else isn't bowing down to them

All because a legendary coach didn't know how to use e-mail...

A goddamn lawyer of all people didn't know not to put it in writing

Look out Detroit, see you in late December

We just got raped by the fifth best team in the state of Florida

Can't even handle a middle of road ACC team decimated by the NCAA? I guess those years we were the SEC bitch are now the glory days of OSU football

 

 

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Never seen worse and I lived through the Barfield years. Hoover High School has a better defense than this.

Looks like we're going to have to start paying off the refs like the REC.

What am I supposed to do with all of this toilet paper?

can i sell ben gay to Clemson? They ve gotta be sore after running up and down the field on us all day today

Thank god Wofford isn't on our schedule

WDE!!!!! Worst Defense Ever!!!

Anyone else find it interesting that Iowa State's defense improved AFTER chizik left? New ISU coach even made the comment that he had to completely reteach technique upon arrival. No worries, keep ignoring the Sherman tank in the living room

Chizik hasn't had a worth a shit defense since he left Texas. You're surprised?

The only thing that saved this program from the gutter of the porn industry was hiring Gus.

Yeah, blame Ted Roof, just like Dave Radar was really the problem with Mike Shula. Pass that bong this way

We defended against Harvey Updyke better than we did against Clemson

How did we ever win a national championship?

Every time I watch this team play I get the feeling that we'll be looking back on Gene Chizik years from now just like we do Terry Bowden today.

Anywhere in Balls Lick, Alabama you can find a better defense on Friday night than we can put on the field on Saturday afternoon

You know how we recruit players that we tell them they aren't good enough to play at Alabama? Beginning to think that's not just a recruiting spiel.

How can a pee wee offense be so good and a pee wee defense be so bad?

Malzahn is that idiot still holding onto his Enron stock circa 2002. Fool should have cashed out last year.

Next weekend the 117th defense takes on the 117th offense. AU ought to pay homeless people to come watch that game.

I'm moving away from Memphis in January.  A Liberty Bowl sendoff would be nice...

When gus leaves, chiz will be gone soon after. Should we hire gus now?

We literally gave up over one-third of a mile in total offense to Clemson. Somebody shoot out my tires while I'm headed down I-65 if it can get any worse than that.

Is it safe to say those bonus paydays for sacks and tackles have all dried up?

Well I always wanted to see Auburn play one more time in Legion Field

Dabo would fail an IQ test and he took our coaching staff to the woodshed

It aint got a damn thing to do with talent. Bammer went hard after Owens, Sanders, Rose, Florence and several others, Lemonier was a five star. Shit coaching is the great equalizer.

We don't have a leader on defense, that's it? Um, last time I checked we didn't have any followers either.

1st Game: 400 yards

2nd Game: 500 yards

3rd Game: 600 yards

No worries folks, we making progress

I bet that Tuscaloosa midget watches our film and laughs at our defense every week. If his defense ever gave up that many yards to Clemson he would personally castrate everyone on the team and the coaching staff.

Heard of Bush league in baseball? We're an Arena League team. Any time we can't score 40+ per game we have almost no real chance of winning.

4-8 and the hogs will hang 800 plus yards an 70 points on us.

Tayj Boyd wasn't even good enough for Lane Kiffin UT and were putting him in the CFB Hall of Fame

Being young is no excuse for not being one of the top 115 defenses in America.

Too bad Spencer Region just didn't eat the whole defense in the postgame

Our only saving grace is a piss-poor schedule. And we're lucky not to be 0-3 against this mighty midget slate we've got. This team couldn't fight its way through a Wal Mart bag.

Roof is a four letter word. Just saying

One of these days we're going to wake up and realize the last three years were just one hell of an acid trip.