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RBR Investigations: Operation Baby Talk

Is our Dark Lord losing his edge? Will the sunshine and rainbows of grandparenthood soft his cold and calculating heart? Fear not, crimson faithful - Roll Bama Roll Investigations is on the case...

Nick Saban - grandfather. But not going soft in his old age.
Nick Saban - grandfather. But not going soft in his old age.
Kevin C. Cox

We all saw it. And it was as frightening as it was unexpected.

The smile.


TUSCALOOSA, Alabama — Nick Saban's weekend got even better Sunday when he became a grandfather for the first time. His son, Nicholas Saban, and wife Kelse Laney welcomed their first child. Saban instantly lit up when asked about it after Tuesday's practice.

It's not the smile, per se. It is the fact that he is smiling with his hands empty. Ordinarily, we only see that smile when Coach goes all "Wonder Twin Powers activate! Form of ANOTHER BCS TITLE" on us, and he is touching the trophy:





In contrast, a reminder that mere proximity to the Magic Crystal Football is not enough to evoke the smile:


So... what is this alien creature that has tinkered with Saban's emotional stability, and how might it affect The Process?

Getting to the gooey heart of the matter

Using the latest in snack-based surveillance technology, RBR Investigations was able to obtain audio from Coach Saban's office.


You don't see the chip?


Fine. We'll zoom in. It's there.


Anyway, that's what allowed us to grab the following conversation, presumably dictation to his personal assistant:

Christy please type up the following and send it to Nicolas and Kelse stop and the baby stop please find out which flavor of baby it is does it wear pink jerseys or blue jerseys this is really important and the article doesn't seem to tell me anything don't make me have to ask Miss Terry stop

Dear Nicolas and Kelse stop

I guess now that you are a dad I can't call you Little Nicky anymore but that isn't going to stop me Little Nicky ha ha ha stop

Christy when I said stop me that is not a stop like the end of a sentence stop


Resume letter I can't tell you how proud I am of you stop

Being a parent is the greatest responsibility you can take onto yourself and you and Kelse are to be proud of making good choices along the way like not having children outside of marriage stop

Children born under such circumstances are far more likely to succeed in life and we want to ensure that your little bundle of joy wearing Christy insert pink or blue here as appropriate has the best shot life has to offer Christy change that from shot to opportunity shot sounds too violent stop

Anyway I also wanted to thank you for your own diligence and planning in the timing of the conception stop

You timed this out perfectly to deliver the baby at the very beginning of the recruiting dead period which maximizes the time I can spend with you all stop

I mean I'll bet that when Les Miles has grandchildren they probably get born during the fourth quarter when he clearly needs to be making better decisions and that's just bad clock management amirite a'ight stop

Once we get closer to signing day I will send Coach Cochran over to teach little insert name here Christy how to properly scream and cry stop the force needs to come from the diaphragm to prevent damage to the vocal chords stop we will also want to talk about a proper nutrition regimen stop and don't worry Kelse your mother would not let me factor your measurements into any of that stop you know what I mean stop

I have to go my salad is getting all wilty and I only have a little bit of time stop but again I am so proud of you yada yada yada you know the rest Christy stop

Have no fear. The smile will be back in its rightful place soon enough... under the Crystal sun:


(and please, marvel at how Michael Casagrande danced around the whole issue of not knowing the child's gender...)