clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

How to Properly Chastise Cade Foster

There are fans, and there are idiots. This is America, and idiots are allowed access to the Internet just like their human counterparts. Roll Bama Roll has the only program which legally certifies you to criticize Foster, or any other Alabama athlete...

Oh -- you want to criticize players? WE have the only sure-fire license that allows you to do that...
Oh -- you want to criticize players? WE have the only sure-fire license that allows you to do that...
John David Mercer-US PRESSWIRE

You're hurt. We get that.

You are disappointed? We understand.

And now all these high and mighty Alabama fans are telling you that you aren't allowed to express your displeasure? Screw that!

20-year-olds are adults, and they need to be held accountable for their actions!

How dare those sanctimonious "A-Club Holes" restrict your rights to free speech!

Wouldn't you like the chance to shut them up?


The Roll Bama Roll Fan Speech Certificate

Working with the teams at Learfield Sports, SB Nation and the ACLU, Roll Bama Roll will issue legal certificates, which give the designee full moral authority to say whatever you want about Alabama student-athletes who don't play to a certain standard. The certificates are free, and can be obtained in the following fashion:

  1. Please register below in the comments, with your name, address, email and phone number
  2. Enroll in the Enhanced Athletics Taunting - Students Harboring Incompetence Training program
  3. Arrive on the University of Alabama campus by 5 a.m. each weekday, for the duration of 10-week course
  4. Report to this guy:


  5. Lift weights for 50 minutes
  6. Run stadium steps at Bryant-Denny ten times
  7. Watch other participants laugh at you for spitting up your breakfast
  8. Run 16 sprints, 100 meters each. *

* - Step 8 can be optionally replaced with 32 sprints, at the participant's discretion.

Here is our video teaser for the experience:

Once you complete the E.A.T. - S.H.I.T. orientation, you will be presented with your certificate, which you can proudly display in every message board, forum, blog or website as your permission to tell young men that they have no worth, and will never amount to anything in life. Once you've finished the course, many of those young men will even respect your opinion on such matters.

Please -- troll responsibly, and only with your proper certification.