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Gumption: Gump-Shaming

Passion, pride, merchandise are one thing; Gumpin' is quite another.

By Erik Evans
This is iconic Gumping. Don't do this.
This is iconic Gumping. Don't do this.
Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports
Gump: Like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart infamously noted in regards to pornography, there is no way to operationalize or fully define a Gump; however, we absolutely know one when we see it. These are persons for whom a script-A throat tat seems perfectly logical, a houndstooth condom is a love-making must-have on par with dinner and a back rub. These are the people who reflexively defend every action by "CNS" or who still refer to the 30-year deceased Paul W. Bryant as "Coach". These are the blind optimists who see no weakness with their team, any of its players and believe that every game should or will be a blowout (or, at least cover the spread).

Gumps are your cousins with the nine pieces of Bama kit on their person at all time, your husband and his special "Bama room," your misguided band-wagon friend in Butte, Montana whose office looks like a Daniel Moore showing at the community gallery...and, if we're being honest, likely everyone reading this has Gumped at some point, in one fashion or another.

Given the incredibly heavy news that this offseason has brought, it's time to step back, mock ourselves out of love and shame the Gumpiest of the Gumps; the things Gumps will buy; and the heights that they will soar to make their allegiances knows. I'll do some Gump-Shaming on occasion because it's good clean fun and we need to lighten up as a fan base: We are tacky, we are insane, and we will buy, dumb, do, write and sing the cheesiest things ever.

Below are things you guys submitted (thanks to @JWBul287, @PegPelvisPete, @WTWHatley, @AugustusThe3rd, @Aubielicious, some I grabbed off of @Kleph's feed, and many, many others). Some were just floating around on the web. Others have become shameful memes. Never do these. Any of these.

Feel free to add your own Gumping, or shame a Gump, in the comments below:

Sexy Gumpin; Moob Tattoo Division:

This is like the "Find the Hidden Indian" pics in kids' magazines. The more you stare at it, something new and horrifying jumps out at you.


Alabama-fan-tattoo_medium

Gump Minstrel: Bahr Ain't Dead Edition:

Bet you can't make it through all six minutes:


Sexy Gumpin; YOLO-Body Paint Edition:

#BlameTodd

Alabamafan_medium

Literary Gumpin: Majestic Oceans Division

Jon Bois at the Mothership, perused Y! Answers in search of wisdom for the age-old question, "What does Roll Tide mean?" One commentator channeled his inner Ralph Waldo Emerson:

Anyone who has been to the ocean wasn't immune to the hypnotizing crash of the waves against the shore. They probably took a couple steps out and let the waves crash upon their feet or went even further out and let the tide toss their weightless body towards shore. This is the core meaning of "Roll Tide". The Crimson Tide is a force that once it builds momentum, it can not be stopped and it will crush, toss or destroy whatever is in its way. When the Tide is rolling, the opponent is being man handled and totally dominated. ROLL TIDE!!!

Gump Minstrel: Southern Rock/Garageband Edition

NB: By way of apology, I must admit that this gentleman could likely channel his creative juices towards less-Gumpy endeavors and probably make a living playing the bar circuit or hone his production skills a bit more and have a nice career.



Vehicular Gumpin: Second Amendment Edition

You know what goes great with Alabama football, and is a natural compliment to the same? A big ass rack of antlers below the worst of the Alabama logos.

51smhqgwnnl

Gump Minstrel: Ar'n Bowl Hatin'

Flat Pickin' and Grinnin' was my alternate title.


Sartorial Gumpin: 'Sweet Jesus, Someone Owns This' Division

If you own this, please attach a picture of said offending clothing below. And then become a Tennessee fan.


Al-clothing-vneckthreequartersleeve_1_medium

Gump Minstrel: Bubba Sparxxx/Haytak Autotuned White Rapper division

This gets more awful each time you watch it.


The Gumping is endless, and there is an entire world of ugly, schmaltzy Bammer out there. Go explore, and feel free to add your own Gumping, or shame a Gump, in the comments below

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