HARK! HARK! Yon RBR brethren...heed the call of the Crimson Shofar! You, as faithful RBR participants, have been hailed to take part in the time-honored "RBR Sweetheart" tradition...a ritual as common in these parts as blaming all wrongdoing on Tawd, or the editorial offerings of free refunds to any unsatisfied readers.
In the past, the sweethearts have been selected through a rigid, some would say prudish, set of guidelines stipulating that the eligible fair maiden not only be pure of heart and character, but also chaste of behavior. Sweethearts were required to not only be unmarried, but also unsullied by the typical nip slips and drunken Lohanesque meanderings of many a wanton starlet.
Such a set of guidelines, however, has produced mixed results. While our beloved Crimson Tide has enjoyed great success in the Era of the Sweetheart, so too has Bama enjoyed trough-like low-points (cough2013IronBowlcough). Let us not speak of these failings, for to do so is to relive them needlessly. However, lessons are to be learned, and those who refuse to recognize change and adapt to it are doomed to the fate of the thunder lizards.
After all, all of this puritanical proselytization in the 2014 campaign yielded...well, in the words of our own poet laureate RogerRBR, "a butt-ugly skank." Though Roger's harsh criticism may fall as unwarranted on the ears of many of you fine folk, I must agree in part with his assessment regarding the suitability of last year's sweetheart. Certainly, the glorious once and future kings of college football deserve to be represented by better than a second-rate phone company shill.
Therefore, for this year's RBR Sweetheart selection process, the white silken debutante gloves are off. We will not abide by the Pilgrim-esque standards requiring virginal status and altogether upright character. The Cotton Mather camp is out. The Rick James set is in. Surely, traditionalists among you may turnest up thou noses to this changing of the guard, but alas, as the tide ebbs and flows, one ultimately has no choice but to rock along in its gentle embrace. (For the mathletes among you who favor brevity, I'll put it this way: if you don't like it, see Airwreck about your full refund.)
So, here are the rather loosely construed rules and regulations of this here Sweetheart nomination process. They are really simple.
- She must be alive.
- She must be over the age of 18 and under the age of 50.
- No porn stars (though a nude scene here or there in a film is not a disqualifier....long as it's artistic and such.)
- She must not have been incarcerated (currently or previously...I mean, everybody has to have SOME standard.)
- She must be of at least moderate fame and repute, someone the majority of the readership will recognize (or at least be able to Google.) In other words, please don't nominate the tap-mistress at your local Applebee's, regardless of the shapeliness of her buttocks.
- Just to be respectful, she shouldn't be currently married. Engaged is fair game, however.
- As RBR Sweetheart Overlord, I reserve the right to disqualify anyone I deem unworthy...though I wield that gavel with the utmost in dignity and respect.
‘Kay, there you have it, folks. Nominate until your hearts are content. You may include photos in your nominations, but mind those height tags, folks.
This is but round one. You'll have until Thursday, August 20 at midnight CST to post your nominations here in the comments section of this post. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Once all of the nominations have been made, your humble narrator will select the "Dirty Dozen" candidates from among the nominations. I will hone the masses down to a select group representing the full spectrum of RBR nominations (and yes, that means you can blame me when Madea does not make the top 12...you know that's not really a woman, don't you?)
On Friday, August 21, the top 12 will be announced, and voting will commence. The 12 will be honed down to a top three, selected by you, the readership. A final round of voting will commence on Friday, August 28, and the winning young lady will be announced in the inaugural Hoodoo and Sweetheart thread of the 2015 campaign.
You have your marching orders, folks...let loose the nominations. Roll Tide.