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NSFW: It's Meltdown Time! Week One

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The opening edition of our shameless revelry in the misery of others.

Yeah, Charlie. It's bad.
Yeah, Charlie. It's bad.
Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

College football is a beautiful thing. Each August we impatiently anticipate that first time the toe meets leather as every new season brings hope that maybe, just maybe, your team might have one of those magical seasons that has you on the edge of your seat through Thanksgiving as they compete for an elusive title.

Unfortunately, for some, that beautiful thing promptly morphs into an evil wench intent on ruining your life.

Welcome back to another season of Meltdown Time, folks. For the uninitiated, this feature shines a spotlight on the poor souls who take to internet message boards in order to vent their mostly alcohol-fueled frustrations about the plight of their favored college football team. Rationality does not exist in this world, so don't try to reason with the comments listed - just enjoy the humor with a side of schadenfreude.

This week we focus on three fan bases who came into the season hoping to see improvement after mediocre 2014 campaigns, plus a bonus from the fans of an Arizona State squad who is penciled in as a legitimate contender for the Pac-12 South. We open up with Michigan fans who generally blame QB Jake Rudock for ruining Jim Harbaugh's debut. After that we have Penn State fans who are furious after losing in horrible fashion (TEN sacks? In one game?) to the Temple Owls, even inspiring complaints from former PSU players. They seem to assign blame to their offensive coaches: OC John Donovan and OL coach Herb Hand.

After that, it gets nasty. Texas lost. No, wait, Texas was humiliated 38-3. Need I say more? The Longhorn faithful are particularly perturbed with offensive coordinator Shawn Watson and his insistence on playing Tyrone Swoopes at QB.

Lastly, we have a bonus from Arizona State. There are only a couple of comments as I have never really found the gold mine for delusional Sun Devils, but the lead-in is an embedded video of a real life melt that is worth three minutes of your time.

As always, and especially with Texas in the mix, the language in this post is deplorable. Do not view this with your boss around, small children, etc. You have been warned.

My dead parapalegic grandmother would have been a better conservative play

Call me in week 6 when this stops hurting.

At this rate, maybe we should send Rudock to the Middle East so he can overthrow ISIS.

Topics that are more appealing than our quarterback: 1) Matt Leinart's beard

Somewhere Brady Hoke is watching this game and clapping furiously.

Sitting next to Borges at Golden Corral.
Rudock throws INT
"Fire Hoke! Hahahahahaha!"
eats chicken leg whole

Husband, "See baby, this is the michigan football I remember"
Throws interception
Me "and now it's the michigan football I remember"
I might be sleeping on the couch tonight

♫RUDOCK THE RED NOSED QB, HAD SOME VERY UGLY THROWS. AND IF YOU EVER SAW HIM, YOU WOULD EVEN SAY HE BLOWS.♫

I miss Denard. Arm punts and all

What if Jim just walks off the field at the end like, ah fuck it, I quit.

Bright side: tickets will become much cheaper for the rest of the year!

God. Two downs and we couldn't get one yard. What the hell.

Is there a curse on UM to have INT afflicted QBs?
Unbelievable.

I guess we're having another rebuilding season.

When did Michigan become the school that turns quarterbacks into turnover machines?

3 int. several bad overthrows. This is why I don't trust internet bloggers. It'll get better, right?

We lack something.... I think it's called talent?

My resume for PSU Offensive Coordinator : Not John Donovan. Know more than 1 formation. Enjoy football.

If you listen very closely,
you can hear other coaches calling our 2016 recruits.

Guys, I'm in the hospital visiting dad
You can drink ethanol right?

THE DARK YEARS ARE TRULY UPON US

A sentence i never thought I'd write
Fuck Christian Hackenberg, give me literally anyone else.
If he were black, we'd call him Bolden 2.0.

Up side
Some part of Philly is going to burn tonight. It's a start.

First pass downfield
since Joanie loved Chachi

I am so fucking pissed at everything right now in general with this team. We have seen Franklin talk and talk and recruit and recruit, and then he takes all these tools on to the field and everybody just fucking shits the bed. Coming in, I had every reason to be optimistic, especially after the bowl win last year. There was no way it could get worse. They had to learn something. Instead, not only are we seeing they haven't learned, but it seems SOMEHOW the offense has managed to getFUCKING WORSE. Donovan is a moron, and what the fuck is Herb Hand doing with this fucking line? NINE - TEN FUCKING SACKS?!!?? AGAINST FUCKING TEMPLE?
Getting our asses kicked by a team that hasn't beaten us in 70 fucking years.
I'm pissed and humiliated.

I just wanted one year of good football

Fire Donovan. Fire Hand. Hire Donovan back, then fire him again. Hire the offensive line. Light Beaver Stadium on fire. Fire the offensive line. Sacrifice farm animals and Rutgers fans to bring BOB back. Put the statue back up and set it on fire. Salt the earth, unleash a plague of locusts, fill Beaver Stadium with beer and drown our sorrows in it.

Well I wasn't planning on boozin' tonight...James Franklin has helped changed my mind.

WHAT THE FUCK PENN STATE.
Fuck John Donovoan.
Fuck Herb Hand.
fire them immediately.

Welp, turning this shit off and pouring myself the tallest bourbon on earth garnished by my infinite tears.

Can we have some NCAA Sanctions back please?

I wonder how many sacks the scout team gets during practice

Fuck everything in the world.

Thank God the CFB gods have blessed me with an amazing tolerance today.

If I wasnt such a raging alcoholic
Id sell off my season tickets this very second. Thank you tailgating for saving my soul.

THIS was the zombie apocalypse of PSU football.
Drink heavily and eat all of the food in your refrigerator before the electricity goes out.

On the bright side, I don't have to block off time this January for the playoff.

While in the stadium, I played Cookie Jam on my phone instead of watching the fourth quarter. FUCKING COOKIE JAM.
THIS IS WHAT YOU DID TO ME, JOHN DONOVAN.

Clearly we don't want to show Rice anything going into next week

Isn't Strong supposed to be a master at player development? Who the fuck has developed since last year? I didn't expect to win this game, but there is no excuse for this shit.

He deserves three years, but color me concerned / no racist

I have seen some bad times with Texas but never, ever have I seen this type of quit and total lack of ability by the whole program. I really hope this house of cards just collapses because it has been coming for a while with Mack and his lack of conference titles. Lipstick on a pig that is infected with every vile disease you can think of.

Just bought www.fuckshawnwatson.com and www.isshawnwatsonfiredyet.com out of drunken anger.

Why not just call time out, walk over to the Notre Dame coach and say, listen. You are going to pump fuck us no end. Let's make a deal, my offense will just kneel the ball every snap if you don't make me look like a total fucktard. I will have Shawn Watson suck your cock at the end of the game

we found Excuse Faggot.

QB and o-line suck shit through a straw. If even one was good we would have a decent season, but they both fucking suck

Strong is retarded 85iq level moron. Fuck him and his "We felt Swoopes could get the job done."

Watching this team is like getting water boarded.

Brian Kelly is a cocksucker of the highest degree.

we havent scored a TD in the third quarter in 3 fucking years

Act like you're watching a three stooges movie, and the game will become much more enjoyable.

This is NOT the same offense from last year. Our Quarterbacks are AUDIBLY clapping louder before the snap!

My daughter just asked me why I am drinking so much beer.

I'm drinking at suck a pace that review allowed me to pound 2 beers. Thanks ND.

Note to Defense: Finger tackles seldom work.

How many times do we have to get raped on national tv before we say NO! ?

Good call on the timeout. Let's prolong the shit show.

Team physician needs to be a colorectal surgeon to sew up all the busted asses

Bring in Gary Ridgeway. Dress up some players and coaches as hookers, draw a river and turn him loose.

This offense is about as useful as a cock flavored lollipop.

We look like shit. About to drink heavily for the second night in a row...
NO FUCKS GIVEN

block someone Swoopes you fucking pussy

Me: Fuck, Fuck, F U C K!!!
Mother in law: Are you upset?
Me: Cum Dumpster.

14 games and our offense has not progressed one bit.
8 carries by our senior rb that averaged 5 yrds per touch.
An offense that looks like _iaz is calling the plays for.
A "spread" offense that looks like it has no idea what a spread offense (or any offense) is.
He should have fired this asshat as his last act before leaving UofL. It needs to be done this week, because waiting util Cal rapes us is going to set us up for a rough first 4 weeks of conference play. AND I'm not sure Strong can survive a possible 3-9 season.

I hate football. This game is stupid. I don't even care

HOW ABOUT A FUCKING PASS INTERFERENCE CALL YOU BLIND PEICE OF SHIT

Hopefully this game is our UCLA game last year. A one-off suckfest that makes us look like dogshit.