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Behind the 8 Ball

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A Ricky Muncie exclusive interview with the X-Factor Wild Card of the Clemson sideline...

HEY HEY EIGHT BALL HAS SOMETHING TO SAY SAY Y'ALL
HEY HEY EIGHT BALL HAS SOMETHING TO SAY SAY Y'ALL
Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

I recently sat down with the enigmatic mascot of the Clemson Tigers, Eight (8) Ball. We met at a location disclosed only to our editors and collective parole/probation officers. Here is the entirety of that conversation:

Hunter S. Thompson was once caught palling around with Johnny Depp, John Cusack, and a blow up doll. Which two celebrities would be seen with 8 Ball and a Doll?

HEY HEY I'D SAY CHARLIE SHEEN AND ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR BUT RDJ CLEANED UP THE QUITTER AND CHARLIE WENT CLINICALLY INSANE SO ALL I'M LEFT WITH IS MICK JAGGER

2) Are you hopeful that corrective lenses will one day straighten your vision, or will you maintain faith in the power of "pharmaceutical solutions?")

HEY HEY BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMISTRY ISN'T JUST A MOTTO IT'S A FAITH AND A WAY OF LIFE

3) The GOP debates have been all about Trump, and the Democrat debates have been Unwatched and Milquetoast. Which college mascot could fix each party's debate, and why?

HEY HEY THE DEMOCRATS COULD BE FIXED BY ME 'CAUSE WHO DOESN'T LOVE THE 8BALL AND THE REPUBLICANS COULD BE FIXED BY ME BECAUSE I'D PUNCH TRUMP IN THE NUTS UNTIL HE ADMITS IT'S A TOUPEE

4) Dabo Swinney is a man of God, as is Hugh Freeze. Is anything less than a six-point Clemson victory involving a divine intervention circus deflection a sign that God loves Freeze more?

HEY HEY A WIN IS A WIN IN THE EYES OF OUR LORD AS THE GOOD WORD SAYS "WINNING" BUT IF WE LOSE CLEARLY DABO DID SOMETHING BAD AND HE'LL HAVE TO DANCE IN THE SNAKE PIT AS PENANCE

5) How have you coped with being left out of the Capital One Mascot Challenges? Is corporate America afraid of 8 Ball? And what exactly goes on in the casting room behind he scenes? I mean, that Hilltopper doesn't even have identifiable genitals.

HEY HEY I ACTUALLY HAD TO BRIBE MY WAY OUT OF THE MASCOT CHALLENGE BECAUSE I HAD TOO MUCH ON MY MIRROR IN MIAMI

6) How will Clemson's offensive line provide Watson enough time to seek out anything other than short slant routes? Will it be rolling him out of the pocket, or could you keep a tight end in to block? And how much weed do you have to smoke to make the pain go away?

HEY HEY OUR O-LINE IS ONE OF THE BEST IN THE COUNTRY AND I THINK WE'LL WORK IN SCREENS AND NAKED BOOTLEGS TO KEEP THE D-LINE OFF BALANCE AND ALL THE WEED ALL OF IT

7) Is there something broken in our financing of higher education, when a mascot Tiger qualifies for the same grant and aid packages that are being offered to powder-blue goats and uppity spur-chickens?

HEY HEY UNFORTUNATELY THE UPPITY SPUR CHICKEN GETS MORE THAN ME AND THE STUPID POWDER BLUE GOAT SAYS WE'RE ALL GETTING EQUAL AMOUNTS BUT HE'S THE ONE DOING THE COUNTING AND I'M OVER HERE SUPPLEMENTING OUR INCOME WITH INVENTING THINGS LIKE ARTIFICIAL MARIJUANA

8) Nick Saban: Great coach? Or the *Greatest* Coach?

HEY HEY NICK SABAN IS THE GREATEST* COACH OF ALL TIME *MAXIMUM HEIGHT OF 4'3"

9) When walking into the Other Death Valley, past that Other Tiger, we are often reminded that we are to be the meal. What exactly comprises 8 Ball's diet?

HEY HEY WELL I LIKE TO HAVE A BALANCED DIET SO I TRY TO STICK TO UPPERS IN THE MORNING AND DOWNERS AFTER THE MONTHS LONG BINGE COMES TO ITS NATURAL CONCLUSION

10) Finally, a score prediction? And which unsung hero makes an impact in this game? And how much should I be drinking?

HEY HEY I'M NOT AS HIGH ON CLEMSON AS SOME OTHER PEOPLE MAINLY BECAUSE I'M HIGH ON COCAINE SO I ONLY HAVE US WINNING 223-7 WITH THE PERFECT CUMBERLANDING RUINED BY A LATE DEFENSIVE FAILURE BY OUR WALK ONS AND LOOK OUT FOR A SURPRISE EFFORT FROM TOMMY LEWIS RESULTS IN A PALPABLY UNFAIR ACT CALL AS HE HAS TOO MUCH BAMA IN HIM TO LET EVEN DEATH STOP HIM AND WHEN IT COMES TO INTOXICANTS I SAY THE ONLY LIMIT IS YOUR CREDIT LIMIT AND THE CREDIT LIMIT OF PEOPLE WHOSE IDENTITIES YOU'VE STOLEN

Ed. note: immediately following this interview, Ricky and 8 Ball were seen jumping into a convertible, and are believed to be on the way to Bovada in Las Vegas....

Ricky and 8 Ball