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NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Week 8

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Everything’s bigger in Texas, especially the meltdowns.

NCAA Football: Texas A&M at Alabama John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome back y’all to a special Lone Star State (and somehow Buckeye) edition of the Meltdown Thread! As a Texan, I’ve used my lifetime of Texpertice to accrue for you the Texas-sized outrage for this week. Sadness could be found throughout the entire state as every power 5 team in the state without a bye lost. Oh and also Houston.

Each week I agonize over how I can top last week’s level of rage and despair, but each week the angry internetters bless me with more juicy content. So I want to say a quick thanks to all you invest your heart in a team, drink a few too many and hop on a keyboard to use a message board as a dysfunctional group therapy session instead of seeing a trained professional. This couldn’t happen without you.

This installment of football melodrama features 75% schools from the Lone Star State, none of whom wear burnt orange because why should they have all the fun?

Ohio State marched into Happy Valley ranked #2 without a loss or a care in the world where Penn State was lion in waiting for a prime time upset.

Those Houston Cougars not only lost to SMU, they lost in the Big 12 expansion sweepstakes when the conference decided “nah we’re fine” when voting to expand the conference.

Texas Tech hosted their ex QB Baker Mayfield and the Sooners in a Lubbock night game which bred new levels of defensive incompetence previously believed possible. Tech’s QB Patrick Mahomes set an NCAA record for most total yards by a player with 819 and 7 total touchdowns yet still lost at home to the Sooners.

A&M walked into Bryant-Denny undefeated with national championship hopes. Bama stomped those dreams making Aggies run to strong denial or depression in hilarious fashion.

If you’re new here I need you to know that the language from this point forward is filthy as a sailor who stubbed his toe while finding out his car got repossessed. Ask your parent’s permission before venturing any further.

O-H-I-WANT-TO-DIE

It was the same for the ugly Wisconsin win-- coaches without a game plan, O-Line without blocks and receivers without routes. And also played at the same sub-prime time approaching midnight, when the bio-rhythms are low and the daily cycles are out of whack so the players are not at their prime performance levels. (It was noted by many that Braxton's skills were not as good in night games.) On top of that it was a windy and rainy and cold night just like the Wisconsin game last week and the Michey State game last year. Notice a pattern here?

If Ohio State beats their old, antique rival again, Whoopee. OSU will Not go to the national playoffs, they willNot be Big Ten champs, they will Not even be the East division champs-- Penn State will.

This game is Gunner Kiel mixed with Joshua Dobbs levels of ugly

The Cubs have made the World Series more recently than Ohio State has won a football game.

Columbus P.D. just sent out an Amber Alert for Ohio State's offense

FUCK MARK MAY!

"Did he maintain control?"

No, he got knocked the fuck out. I don't think he did, Kirk.

I think I can hear Happy Valley in Cincinnati right now.

Even my mom noticed bad offensive line play. She asked my why the 59 kid is always getting pushed into JT Barrett. When my mom notices bad offensive line play, you know somethings wrong

3 & 15 ok lets throw a pass for -2 yards

I miss the old Noah Brown

Straight from the go Noah Brown

Catch every throw Noah Brown

YOU CAN'T TACKLE THE GUY BY THE JERSEY???? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????

Dear Penn State,

Can you please pick a different team to White Out in 2 years.

Sincerely,

Ohio State fans everywhere

Run the damn beer

It me

I dream that one day Ohio State will get to play a game where it's not pouring.

I feel like this game is going to be weird.

Well, hopefully this finally gets Tim Beck fired.

God damn the penn state white out

"It can get pretty hairy in the Beaver" - OSU radio commentator before the game.

Curtis Samuel had 2 carries in this game. That is all.

"haha if we just don't give it to our main playmaker nobody will see it coming"

"oh sh-"

-Ed Warriner

Harbaugh is going to drink so much milk tonight

The fucking rain gods are after us again

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT MEYER YOUVE WON MULTIPLE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS HOW DO YOU KEEP WILSON IN AT PUNT RETURNER

apology for poor english

where were u when ohio state dies?

i was sat at home eating roast buckeyes when nitany lion call

'ohio state is kill'

'no'

This is most definitely a sad valley.

The last time someone fucked kids as bad as these refs did a coach went to prison and Joe Pa forfeited wins.

UH OH

Guys I don’t think we’re a playoff contender anymore.

Does this count as a quality loss?

Not only did we lose to a team ranked 105, we lost to a team from Dallas. Fuck me for caring about football.

Oh hey. Life of a Houston sports fan hits reality again.

SMU to the Big 12 confirmed.

Ok I'm inclined to blame Les Miles. We've looked like shit ever since he got fired meaning LSU AD has been on top of their game.

Where is our fire? Play angry because schools want to take our coach. Play angry because the Big 12 screwed everyone. Show some passion. Don't expect games to be handed to you.

How the fuck did we beat OU. How the fuck have we beaten anyone.

I think someone told Orlando that we got in the Big 12 and don't have to play defense anymore.

Craig James Killed Five Cougars

RIP bandwagon fans, hello half-empty stadium homegames and irrelevancy.

Who da fuck brought in the vuvuzela. I thought those were Banned from planet earth!

Please, for the love of Keenum, do not waste this turnover

Maybe the players want to tank the team so Herman has to stay in Houston? Maybe I’m just in denial that we suck.

Goodbye playoffs. Goodbye Big 12. So long conference championship. Hello Jack Daniels.

Back to having only 2 fans. Jim, we’re in this together.

Dumbass Herman taped an SMU jersey to the floor to walk on. Glad that didn’t backfire.

I liked it better when we sucked so nobody paid attention or called us names.

SMU ran over our ny6 chances with a Gold Lambo.

Fire Herman, Fire Appleshits, Fire Them With The Funeral Pyre On Which I Burned Myself Alive

Tom Herman: “If you're satisfied with Weedeater Bowls, go root for SMU” smart move fam

Hahahaa *cries*

There's going to be a ton of Louisville tickets on Stubhub soon.

Only thing that could make it worse is James Harden to the Mavs

Me IRL

WEST TEXAS WOES

Now I know how that woman feels because Joe Mixon just punched me in the face.

Fucking Perine in a cast shoves a player 5 yards out of bounds and there’s no flag but if a Tech bench player sneezes without dabbing he gets a 15 yard penalty.

Our secondary strategy is "Maybe they wont catch it"

"Fuck you baker" is the chant of my soul

Let's all pretend Oklahoma didn't boo an injured Tech player last year so we can shit on Lubbock.

We're all assholes.

Ha! We held them to 2 field goals on that drive!

I'd like to apply to be a Big 12 cornerback. My skills are: being slow, unaware, and completely scared to make a form tackle.

So fuck you Perine and all, but did you see those fucking guns? Jesus, bigger than my head.

Kliff never offered me a scholarship and I don't act like a dick about it

THE BIG 12 REFS TRIED TO RIP US OFF. BUT WE SCORED ANYWAYS

You can go fuck your self Perine.

The FCC is going to lose their shit.

Both defenses softer than baby shit

"How's your shoulder, Mahomes?"

"Feels pretty good"

"GOOD BECAUSE YOU'RE THROWING IT 100 TIMES BIG FELLA"

God Mayfield has such thin skin. Nothing wrong with that tackle, just being a fucking bitch about it.

Typical

when u see a guys back to you and get a good block on him

#justTTUthings

"You get a record, You get a record, Everybody gets a record!"

I'm glad OU doesn't know it's not Illegal Procedure to run inside the tackles literally every play.

This offense played a 99% perfect game and lost by 7 points, fuck David Gibbs.

By the way OU's coach has a name that rhymes with poops so who's the real loser here? Really makes you think

It's simple: we build a wall in the end zone and make OU pay for it!

At least we beat OU in basketball last year.

Baker just blew kisses to the student section after halftime warmups. I hope he gets fucked to death by a thousand horses.

A bunch of fucktard boosters are gonna freak out and fire Kliff then we’ll become Iowa State, that’s how this is gonna happen.

Pat Mahomes on this team looks like the equivalent of putting prime Michael Jordan on the basketball equivalent of Kansas football.

Why in the frenchman’s shit do I still watch this donkey ass of a team anymore? They take a gift from Jesus Christ of a QB and give him a defense that couldn’t stop 11 down syndrome children in wheelchairs from scoring 50 points. Then they have the audacity to let the biggest fuckbag of cat turds that is Baker Mayfield throw 7 tds and win while walking away with a smile on his fat fuck of a face? I’d rather get analy fucked by a chainsaw than lose to that Oklahoma fuckboy.

A&M

Fearing Alabama is illogical. Just like fearing Death is illogical. Both are just inevitable.

If Sumlin can't win the SEC by 2018, we should start shopping.

Sumlin hugging and having a long conversation with Hurts.... That says it all for me! Tell him good game and keep walking! He is the enemy!

So a terrible non targeting call on Noil should have cost them a great defensive player for most of the game, then we lose Wilson on a borderline one at best. I saw an obvious block in the back on a punt return where they eventually scored but should have started 30 yards further back. That god dang roughing the passer when we should have got the ball back in good position and that terrible fumble. Five things and maybe this game and score are far different.

Cancel the flight, walk home losers.

Sumlin will never win any type of championship at A&M.

Losses to OM and LSU are assured. 9-3 is the ceiling, and the entire team will be gone to the draft. Sumlin rebuilds with the 3* scrubs he's been recruiting next year. Entire defense is basically gone to the draft. They are all gone. With all that talent, Sumlin will finish third or fourth in the West once again. Sad. Knight also won't be back (maybe not a bad thing). Sumlin fired next year after this team finishes in the SEC West basement. That is the future.

No way we ever win a Natty with Saban at Bama. With or without Summlin

I guess we should just feel blessed to be on the field with them and shoot to be #2 every year. At least we're not tu's ***** any more. Great freaking attitude.

If the refs hadn’t gifted tehm so many bullshite calls when their offense sucked this game would be completely different. Just needed targeting to be called right so those frickin cheaters can be punished but noooo they had to put the dadgum SEC offices in Birmingham so Sabin can go pay them off before every game. Stupid SEC is riged for bama. No way we’ll ever win. If not for the refs these Ags would’ve whooped these stupid gumpers by 20 points.

When is A&M ever going to be a freaking good football team. How can 3 teams in Florida be dominant and only 1 in Texas.

Ags win out, Bama loses to Auburn and LSU. SEC West champs! F*** bama!

Why call a timeout to taunt the Gumps into scoring more points against our pathetic D?

I'd take Les Miles over Noel Mazzone at this point.

We are going to block the punt with 5 seconds left to cover the spread

Sumlin has money on bama +19. Using the timeouts to try to get bama 40.

Ole Miss and LSU will ass rape us.

"Coach we've got literally -50 yards off of screen plays today. What's the call on 3rd and 8?"

"Run another! They'll never see it coming!"

That play call was quite literally a shit covered dick, but the punt was gorgeous

Death is right around the corner, the heat death of the universe is coming, Alabama is an unstoppable juggernaut, enjoy arby's today.

Is there an Alabama starter who won't be a 1st round pick?

There's your 19 point spread…

Would you rather get married to the guy/gal of your dreams, live debt free, work in your ideal industry and have your ideal number of children...or beat Bama?

Listening to Gary is like listening to an assistant coach for Alabama comment on the game.

Fearing Alabama is illogical. Just like fearing Death is illogical. Both are just inevitable.

HOLY SHIT MOTHERFUCKERS WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY

I would like to see Alabama not be good anymore, please.

If this was NCAA we'd just turn off the game and throw the controller on the ground! Fuck you Jim, you can't be Bama every fucking time!

Stupid people make

Stupid bets. Saban is a

Wizard. I'm so sad.

We don't want Bama.