NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Week 5

College football is the greatest sport of all time. Days like this past Saturday are the only evidence I need to prove my point. After all the hail mary’s, last second field goals, and general mayhem, there’s always a fan base or two getting #madonline. That’s where I come in and play my humble role.

One of the most beautiful parts of this great game is that when your team takes a whoopin, you can look over and say “well at least we’re not as miserable as those guys.” Or you can say “at least we’re not Purdue.” There’s always someone having a worse time than you.

This week featured no shortage of teams having a worse time than you. Following a hard fought loss to Wisconsin, Michigan State lost a bitter game in Bloomington to the Hoosiers. Our travels then take us to Stillwater Oklahoma where the Texas back... to back losses drop them out of the rankings.

We hop back on the bus and head to Tallahassee to watch the Noles will their way to a last minute go ahead TD over UNC! However FSU couldn’t keep the Tar Heels from driving to kick a 54 yard field goal in 23 seconds and lost at home in miserable fashion. Finally we end our journey between the hedges where UGA looked to catch Tennessee napping after a big win over Florida but instead lost on a last second Hail Mary play.

Past this point you will find some highly despicable language. If you have a delicate constitution or have not asked you parents permission, please leave the room now.

SPARTY NO!

Hello 2012..my old friend

MSU is now the 5th best team in michigan by record

We have so many problems I don't even know what to complain about first.

Too everyone saying its going to be 2012 all over again, let me assure you it's not. It's gonna be worse, much worse. Remember in 2012 we lost 6 games by a combined 13 points, that margin has already bee wrecked by Wisconsin...Prepare the liquor!!!

Okay so I still don't have liquor but I remembered I have a few G's of the devil's lettuce so maybe that'll help me finish this game with my sanity.

This game is like watching two short buses crashing into each other.

The true definition of targeting is like the meaning of life: either it’s unknowable, or it’s whatever you want it to be.

This game is making me a little nervous right now

Fuck life. Fuck o Connor, fuck our shitty ass secondary. Goodbye rankings for the rest of the season.

Remember the no fly zone? Now we’re more like the frequent flyer club :(

I don't even care. I hope everyone dies. Lincoln, Einstein, Gandhi. They can all fucking die. I'm going to North Korea.

At least we get a better draft pick

And just remember if we win we get a fucking spit bucket? What the hell is the B1G?

"It's not in til it's in" that’s what I tell my wife in the bedroom

This shit offense couldn’t put up 20 points on a Big XII team.

At least we lost to the best team in Indiana, suck it Irish.

Surely this is just to lull UM to sleep and then fuck up their whole year, right? Please?

Did those refs at least buy Gerald Holmes dinner before they fucked him? No because that would be an NCAA rules violation.

It me

Even Wake Forest was able to score 33 on this team our offense is so inept

I'm learning all sorts of new penalties today

Maybe presidential election years just aren't our years?

Let’s blame Hillary for this too. Why not?

I don’t like football

My insides hurt quite badly

End this wretched pain

BEVO TEARS

We gonna fire ERRBODY!

Big 12 after brunch

TIGHT END WALKS IN UNMOLESTED

Good news: We're on the board.

Bad news: We have to play defense again.

This would be a really fun game if I wasn't emotionally involved.

To be clear: we were back but now we are back to where we were before we were back.

Nick Saban will find a way to make this go away.

Fire Watson. Use a magic 8-ball to call plays.

This commentator knows how much everyone weighs and that's about all he knows.

lolol the announcer just sneezed in the microphone, which is totally his playcalling in a nutshell

I plan to be blacked out by halftime. I'll see you guys at the Shootout next week.

Me IRL

We should just start going for 2. Apparently trying to kick the extra point is pointless

Texas is back. 2010 Texas, that is.

HEY REMEMBER WHEN AN OSU PLAYER THREW HIM INTO A FUCKING WALL.

FUCK EVERYTHING

Louisville is doing well. Maybe we can get their coach.

Well this guarantees we put the stomp down on OU next week

"gaping hole" drink

I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

"We elect to not kick the extra point, please." - Charlie Strong

"This formation has been so successful" Swoopes tackled for 1 yard loss

We fucking tipped our own fucking pass. Fuck everything.

Texas' season after this game.

Texas fucked those kicks up on purposes because we hate donating to scholarships.

Texas... where you don't always feels so good right after a touchdown.

Pistol Pete's dead eyes haunt my dreams

The eyes of Texas are upon the suicide note I left naming them the sole reason for my early demise.

Bobby Petrino can fuck a thousand coeds if he can fix this shit team.

TALKIN BOUT THE LOLES

The aguayo's deal with the devil has clearly expired.

Our defense is definitely improved-there was at least 10 plays before we gave up a touchdown.

I think Ricky missed more field goals in this quarter than his brother did in 3 years.

Just once, I want to feel that 2013 feeling of scoring first… Or feel anything at all

I haven't had a drink in 202 days. This team is challenging my commitment to sobriety.

I have a new theory: Jimbo needs to get laid.

FUCK!!!!!! Am done with this team defense ain't shit fuck Kelly jimbo should have been fired his ass. Let them come all the way back with fucking 30 sec left. Garbage ass DC

KELLY GOTTA GO!!! BULLSHIT ASS COVERAGE

You got to be shitting me

Jimbo is going full retard

I know I posted we should fire Charles Kelly during the offseason, but I misspoke. I'd like him fired at halftime.

At the game. Charles Kelley just turned around and shrugged after the touchdown. Fuck that guy.

LESMILESFORDC

Charles Kelly’s Wikipedia: “Kelly was noted nationwide for his novel strategy of refusing to have his player's line up in a proper defensive formation. Kelly was quoted as saying "I've never found playcalling to be particularly important as a defensive coordinator". Kelly then told his boss to fuck off and drove home in a bentley. While kelly remained widely despised for ineptitude by the florida state fanbase as a whole, he was widely commended for his uniquely phallic physical appearance.”

Haahahahahahaa, time to switch to heroin

We're all saying fire Charles but this is so fucking unacceptable and embarrassing it's past joking. How in the FUCK did we hire this fucking joker. Fucking fire everyone. Fuck this staff, fuck Jimbo for keeping this absolute joke of a coordinator, fuck Bill Miller for being clueless, fuck everything. We won a national title 3 years ago and we look worse than our 09 team.

This team is terrible and worst part is, Florida will tear us up. That's how bad we are. Fucking absolute embarrassment. We are better than this and if we don't fire Kelly in the next few weeks we are doomed to fall into another lost decade. Fuck.

Jimbo preparing for this game: Alright staff were playing one of the top 5 worst rushing defenses in the country

Staff: What should we do????!?

Jimbo: I got this, let's throw it to our garbage midget receivers and use cook once a drive.

Staff: give this man a raise!!!!

Fire Charles Aguayo!

WHAT DO WE EVEN PRACTICE ALL WEEK

To improve defensively, FSU should fire ______.

It's a hard one, but a few people should be able to figure it out.

This game makes me feel like Louisville is overrated. Any team in the ACC can do this to us.

"What do you think of your OL's execution?" I'm all for it.

LSU you still want Jimob?

If anybody wants to gain some insight into why Auburn is in the situation they're in, they wanted to pay Charles Kelly (yes this Charles Kelly) $1 million a year.

That kicker just tomahawk chopped our collective dicks off and I’m not even mad, I just respect him for it.

UNC’s kicker just Monstar’d Aguayo.

SAD DAWGS

I am legitimately scared we're about to lose on a Hail Mary.

GUESS WHO IS BLACKING OUT TONIGHT? THIS GUY

..And Butch Jones just went from red to whatever is a darker red than red.

We must defeat Tennessee and lose to Florida to complete the SEC East circle of suck

... Did... Did he just say "Gradsfer Trad"?! I'm not that drunk already, am I?

Tenn up 117-2 at the half, Kirby Smart does what he must and performs a macabre animal sacrifice of Uga VII to appease the gods. As darkness envelops Sanford stadium, Kirby's bones begin to ghoulishly bend the wrong direction, contorting him into a writhing mass of limbs. In his agony, he lets out a screech, and a horde of locusts comes forth from his mouth, bedeviling those unfortunate few in the stadium. At this moment, the collective disappointment of UGA fans materializes into some demi-god esque titan, and meets the horde of locusts, now teeming to resemble lucifer, above the stadium. The two begin to struggle, and their cries echo all the way through the eons to the ancient year of 1980. Finally, both collapse, destroying Sanford stadium and the town of Athens in its entirety. When the dust settles, only Herschel remains. He goes on to run for 4,000 yards the rest of the season, defeating Alabama singlehandedly. UGA national champions. No one is there to enjoy it.

I would rather get shit-housed than lose like that. I'm off to go wash my taint with a belt sander.

So you're tell me that today we have:

Caught the ball

Made a FG

Gotten a sack

WTF is going on?

I can't decide if God is dead or a Tennessee fan. I also can't decide which is worse.

Pours bourbon Ya'll got any more of those Chubbs?

Since when can you fucking apply penalties after touchbacks? Refs just making shit up now

It's sad when we all celebrate a 20 yarder like a touchdown

Butch Jones is gonna have an aneurysm

I'm not commenting on football for my mental health, but we have the two most adorable CFB mascots in the house today. Also the refs should have been aborted

These refs must like butt-chugging.

Someone fucked up the scheduling and we got the lacrosse refs or some shit

IN LIKE QUINTUPLE COVERAGE AND HE TAKES IT! FUCK YOU VOLS EAT A BAG OF FLAMING VOLUNTEER DOG SHIT

Im.goong to fucking kill.mteelf!

Tennessee: fumble karma is a bitch

MVP OF THE GAME, THE FREE TOUCH DOWN REF! YOU FUCKED US

That may be the most cheered for 2nd quarter 27-yard field goal in the history of football

FUCK LITERALLY EVERYTHING ON PLANET EARTH AND THE ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM

Butch Jones looks like Anger from Inside Out literally every time they show him on TV.

I love watching games on the Commercial Break Station

This is the most dumb shit ending to a football game in the history of the goddamn sport and of course it happens to us. Fuck Josh Fucked Up Alien Faced Dobbs and the 8 mother fuckers who couldn’t keep UT from completing a miracle ass pass. Fuck my parents for creating me and raising me in the state of Georgia. ANd most of all FUCK KIRBY SMART and his epilleptic ass barber looking haircut for making a good dog sad.