clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Rivalry week

New, 115 comments

Be thankful for the misery of others.

NCAA Football: Auburn at Alabama John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Hey y’all welcome back! How was your Thanksgiving? I got to go watch a game in person called the BUTT Bowl so you know I had a good time.

Did everyone have fun aggressively steering family conversation away from touchy subjects like politics and religion and onto why your family member’s football team clearly sucks? I bet you did!

There’s really no meltdown like a rivalry meltdown. Games during which you’re probably forced to watch with that boneheaded cousin that went to the wrong school and yells too loudly at inappropriate times during football games.

It’s a week where if you lose, your entire year will feel like 2016 (look at this topical humor!) until your team rubs that smug smirk off your dumb coworker’s face. These games come from a guttural, visceral hate brewed in your hate cauldrons from the infancy of your fandom. It makes for a good hate soup if you throw in the right not-broth-soup-items, and if you like soup.

This is the last week of the regular season, no NCAA championship games don’t count as regular season games. Allow me a moment to be genuine, pretty please.

In a thankful season I extend a huge thanks to Chief Czar Erik for hiring and supporting me, and for some reason not firing me yet. A huge thanks to Josh who edits this hot mess every week and helped guide me to meltdown glory.

To all of you who read, comment, share, meltdown yourself, or send me kind or unhappy emails: I’m sincerely thankful for your feedback and that y’all enjoy the #content I’m putting out. Y’all rock h.a.g.s. never change <3.

That’s weird, I just blacked out for a couple paragraphs. Back to the task at hand. In what’s called “The Game” aka The Game To Decide Who Gets Second Place In The B1G East turned out to be a good game in which Michigan fans wouldn’t shut up about the refs. What a shocker. Michigan is likely out of the playoff and after being ranked 3rd in the country are now 3rd in their division.

Texas kept it close with the Lone Star State’s current best program until the fourth quarter in which TCU hopped away to an insurmountable lead. After a week during which every rumor had Tom Herman all but hired at LSU, the UH coach ended up with Texas, but that didn’t stop them from getting really pissed in the interim.

Tennessee lost to powerhouse rival program Vanderbilt 45-34. Fear not Life Belt Champions, next year will be your year (again)! We definitely mean it this time.

Auburn lost to Alabama. Y’all know what happened. It was delightful... once it was over.

Language from this point on is, as the kids say, bad. If the word heck offends you, this next part probably isn’t for you. Read with extreme caution.

THE” “GAME” “PARTICIPANTS”

I'm at the game and This OSU bro behind me said after peppers return that he's good and he hopes Cleveland drafts him so they ruin his career

"OSU missed a field goal, Michigan made one. That could be the difference!" Mack Brown's analysis is next-level.

If this game ends in regulation on a tie... Instead of OT, they should have Harbaugh and Meyer fight with battleaxes in the middle of the field

So, I'm a chill dude. Like, very chill. Met my girlfriend in law school and impressed her with my ice level chill. She's back home in Ohio with me and has heard me call for more executions and witnessed more mom-slaps due to my vulgar language than she's ever imagined. Maybe I'll ask her to marry me if we lose to salvage the day?

╔═════════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ════════════════╗

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Repost this if ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~ ~ you are a beautiful strong football coach ~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ who don’t need no headset ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

╚═════════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ════════════════╝

THEY CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT

Jims secrit plays

Let me tell you a story...

When I was a young boy about age 7-8 I had this huge crush on my neighbor, her name was Bri, her family was super religious and hardcore conservative but dam she was hot, I was 8 and she was 10, just starting to hit that age when girls got pretty, I would sit with her on the bus, I would talk to her and truly cared, I mean she was my neighbor after all... Than one day we started talking about college football, I mentioned how I like a lot of teams and how I wish I could go to Miami (this was a few years after the OSU vs Miami Natty) she talked about how she wanted to attend "the" Ohio state, and every time I said Ohio State she corrected me and said "The Ohio State", and let me tell you she went from a 10/10 to a 2/10 in no time, as a young boy being told "the" (when I had a TH speech impediment) was so annoying, and I couldn't pronounce it right ever... I got picked on cause at 8 I couldn't say "the Ohio state" correctly...

So naturally I went with something that rolls of my tongue better, and something I don't get picked on for, "Fuck Ohio State" has been my go to ever since I was 9...

Moral of the story, FUCK OHIO STATE

Someone hold me: because there will be no flag

Buckeyes are red.

Harbaugh's face is red.

Everything is red.

The Wolverine's dead.

Faux understands

Trying to be as objective as possible my thoughts on the game:

We were the better team 80% of the game and OSU was the better team when the game was on the line. We had two costly turnovers and a large number of dumb penalties. Our defense was tired at the end and it showed. It was a great game and an instant classic.

Now my thoughts as a UM fan: Fuck the refs, Fuck OSU, Fuck this, Fuck that, FUCK FUCK FUCK. I'm going to go empty my liquor cabinet now. FUCK.

Now I know what homefield advantage is

Might go out to dinner. Nothing like a nice meal after getting fucked.

This article PROVES that UM got screwed!!!

When CBS calls the game for Michigan

NOTMYFIRSTDOWN

Fuck

Did Jim Harbaugh fuck one of the ref’s wives or something because this is some quality bullshit

Smash cut to a twenty-something stereotypical nerd. He sits in a squishy recliner in front of a modest fire, a hound dog contentedly snoozing at his feet. The halls still echo with screams of elation.

.

114 advertisements over 19 breaks, 40:25 total commercial break time (17% of total coverage time). Halftime not included.

1.485:1 game clock to commercial break ratio

Holy blindside, Batman! Jiffy Lube comes out of nowhere to tie Nissan for the win, snagging six ads each. Kay Jewelers dials up the romance and joins ATT/DirecTV and Chevrolet for second place with four.

Chevy, you might want to rethink your strategy going forward. "Business in the front, party in the back?" You really want people to think that hatchbacks are the mullet of cars? (Some of us already do...)

Also, is it just me, or did we really go eight minutes through the third quarter without a commercial break? I suppose I could have blacked out for a bit.

what am i supposed to do with this now

In my life, I’ve had some very bad luck in one particular way that keeps happening to me. When I was around 8 years old I walked in on my parents having sex. In college my roommate thought I was gone for the weekend, so I walked into our room to find him having an orgy in our room. Last year at Thanksgiving I walked in on my sister and her boyfriend going at it in the bathroom! I thought that would be the last time it happened. So I was minding my business, sitting on the couch watching my Wolverines when IT HAPPENS AGAIN! THE REFS TAKE OFF THEIR PANTS AND FUCK MICHIGAN RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF GOD AND EVERYONE! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME??

FLIGHT TRACKING SCHOOL

Don't let this distract you from the fact that Texas lost to Kansas

Looks like the players boycotted the game after all.

Texit

16 wins in three seasons

Can't wait to see how fierce the Texas players Twitter defense is of Strong.

HOLY SHIT WHY DIDN’T WE JUST FIRE CHARLIE AFTER KANSAS AND GO GET HERMAN THEN THOSE BAYOU BASTARDS ARE GONNA STEAL HIM FROM US!!!

Texas if you wanted them to #KeepCharlieStrong then maybe you should have #PlayedBetter

Fire up the flight trackers. Jurgen Klinsmann was looking for property in Austin

Remember when this was a thing? :(

Did Buechele $#@! the announcer's wife?

Commentator has been non-stop $#@!ting on Buechele's entire record-setting season the whole game. Never heard an announcer zero in on a player like this.

Our boosters paid off the refs to get Charlie out.

You know, LSU wanted to save Coach O's job so they hung up 50+ on Texas A&M. Our guys want to save Charlie's job but can't be bothered to put in the work to do it.

Charlie Strong didn’t die for this, he died because of this.

A retarded moose could go 6-6 with this roster, and mooses are from Canada!

Rise As One To Condemn The Charlie Strong Regime

Holy $#@! what a $#@!ing fraud. No excuses. None. He has absolutely positively shown what kind of man he is and it is an ugly goddamn sight.

I think the people who do the hiring are just $#@!in lazy and don't do their due diligence. They should watch every game a candidate has coached with someone who knows football to see if they have a clue. I mean we are talking $25 million dollars plus whatever loss of revenue by being a $#@! team. Do you $#@!ing job.

I would just like to say here, $#@! YOU KURT I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON A BONE. FUUUUUUUUCK YOU.

UT doesn't "fire" anyone(HC wise). Where will he be reassigned?

I don’t care if it takes $100 mil, we need to steal Herman from LSU, otherwise we’re stuck with Chuck forever.

IM CUTTING THIS DICK CLEAN OFF

Rough night for Longhorn Nation so here's a little anecdote to lighten the mood. Cool? Cool.

You guys remember Lorena Bobbit? Y'know, the broad that chopped her man's cock off while he was sleeping? Turns out she has a sister who very recently was arrested for attempting to do the.same.damn.thing to her boyfriend.

Luckily for this guy, she was severely inebriated and thus missed her mark, with the blade hitting him in the stomach instead of in the johnson.

Pretty messed up, right? Well, here's the kicker: since she didn't actually sever his member and instead just cut his stomach, she was released on bail and only charged with a misdemeanor missdaweiner.

On that note, it's been real Charlie/Texas athletic department, thanks for showing us spoiled Longhorn fans what it feels like to be mediocre.

Zach knew it all along.

Strong needs to add accountability at the top of his core values list.

That post game press conference was dog shit. Nothing but excuses and empty promises.

How the fuck is the greatest university in the country going to lose a bidding war over their former GA to a bunch of swamp fuckers?

What the hell does Baton Rouge have that Austin doesn’t? Jazz? Who gives a damn about Jazz?

LIFE BELT CHAMPS UNDEFEATED

With all the other Winners belt's, Loser's belts, etc. being thrown around, everyone is forgetting the biggest belt of all: The Butch Jones Championship of Life Belt. Now while you think it's a new belt, it's actually been held by Tennessee for the previous 4 years, thanks to the work of their seniors, until evil Vanderbilt stole it away from them in this past game. Will Vanderbilt be able to hold on to it for the rest of the season?

Fuck Hurd.

Not only for being a whiny bitch, but for taking Kamara's spot.

I just realized that if UT loses tonight, the Championship of Life belt will go to Vanderbilt.

This game is a perfect summary of the Butch Jones era in Knoxville.

You come in, are excited for something good (Our Year, East Title, Sugar Bowl, etc.) Then he shits on your fucking face and says we're life champions. FUCKING KILL ME!

No one cares about your journey from Memphis.

"I feel like Vandy needs to score here."

Oh really? I didn't really we were playing a fucking game or anything

WARE SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU HAVE BEEN CHEERING AGAINST TENNESSEE ALL GAME. HIS KNEE WAS FUCKING DOWN

These announcers are giving me ear cancer.

Ware is a fucking dumbass, you couldn't see shit on those replays.

I had no idea Josh Dobbs is an Aerospace engineering major!

Tennessee, Florida, Georgia lose today.

Vandy and Kentucky win.

What is life.

Tennessee fans: make fun of Georgia for losing to Vandy

Tennessee: loses to Vandy worse than Georgia lost to Vandy

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CyPVzCTWEAAmQEW.jpg

Butch Jones career thus far:

SEC East:

3-1 vs South Carolina (2013, 2014, 2015)

4-0 vs Kentucky (2013, 2014, 2015, 2016)

2-2 vs Vanderbilt (2014, 2015)

2-2 vs Georgia (2015, 2016)

2-2 vs Missouri (2015, 2016)

1-3 vs Florida (2016)

West:

0-4 vs Alabama

0-1 vs Texas A&M, Arkansas, Ole Miss, and Auburn

14-18 in the SEC, with no cross-divisional wins. 2 bowl wins against Iowa and Northwestern.

EDIT: I forgot, he did win the 2016 Championship of Life

Vanderbilt, the flagship football program of the state of Tennessee.

16 The SEC East has six bowl-eligible teams. And all of them are actually shit.

Alright, who predicted Vandy would beat Georgia and Tennessee at the beginning of the year?

Put your hands down, you liars.

Damn, wish I had X-Ray vision like these announcers.

Tennessee head coach Brian Kelly has a nice ring to it.

https://www.saturdaydownsouth.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/life.jpg

Butch Jones can't coach

I remember after the Alabama loss people found comfort in knowing the Vols would go 10-2.

Hmm

GUS BUS GOT ITS BRAKES CUT

"I ain't afraid to die anymore...I've done it already. -The Revenant" -Jeremy Johnson

This is the last Iron Bowl Verne will call. My goodness. WOW!

I hope one day i live in an age where SEC football is no longer on CBS

"Hey rhett, you know what worked good against Clemson? Shuffling QBs every play"

"No it didn't Gus, it caused us to lose"

"GODDAMN IT RHETT, JUST SHUFFLE THE QBS"

"Oh there was a five yard penalty by the way"

Yeah I would have seen it if you old fucks weren't talking

IM TRYING TO WATCH FOOTBALL WHAT THE FUCK

See ya, Verne. You're the ugliest Bama cheerleader.

Teams that wear orange suck

Can you imagine if White had a working shoulder? I mean it still would’ve been ugly, but like by a lot less ugly.

Twitch Plays Auburn QB

Verne just had his first erection in 25 years.

Can always rely on Gary and Verne to put emotion into the commentary...

"Huhh an interception."

Lmao Namath is so fucked up

JET SWEEPS CANT MELT STEELE'S D

I hope I reach a point in my life where I can show up to a CBS announcer booth of a ranked rivalry game, tanked, get handed a headset, and be applauded for it.

These days I'm a 6 pack deep and I get berated by everyone

To be fair, while their lovefest with Broadway Joe is annoying, this is the first time CBS has shown 10 minutes of a game without a commercial all season

18Not So Fun Fact: Bama has never lost to Auburn in a year where a Cuban dictator has died.

Go fuck yourself Gary Danielson

Holy fuck I came to watch the Iron Bowl not this CBS commentator circle jerk.

NOW WE JUST GOTTA HOLD THE BEST SEC OFFENSE FOR 55 MORE MINUTES, GUYS!

I can think of no greater punishment than having to listen to Verne tell every story about how much he loves Bama while their true freshman QB and Kiffin dip their nuts into Malzahn's mouth.

Seen toilet explosions look better than that offense

Hey CBS, show the fucking game you pieces of shit. No one gives a shit about 3 old guys talking about themselves. "Oh by the way there was a penalty, ok but back to me." Fuck off.

Tumor’s corner imo

Fuck Bama.

This might have been the most miserable Iron Bowl of my young life, more than when we could’ve lost by 100 and didn’t. Bamers would’ve been so gotdamn pissed if they went 14-1 to a national title with that 1 loss being to us, and they almost gave it to us too. A freshman QB finally looked like a freshman QB and gave us all the extra possessions we could ask for. But Gus and his short bus trot out an offense that couldn’t score a touchdown on a Big 12 defense. I’m tired of being the little brother. I’m tired of always losing to bama. Even the kick 6 has lost its luster from the mindblowing amount of times it’s mentioned and the fact that it only got us to lose a national championship leaving those bama fuckers laughing even after we won. I hope the waffle house people shit on his waffle and piss in his OJ and make that bitch drink it. Lastly I think it’d be so damn fitting if Nick Saban actually was the devil, because there would be no worse punishment than for Nick Saban cracking a tiger-tailed whip with war eagle feathers over my back as my front is burned in a lake of lava-acid while he yells roll tide for all eternity.