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NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Week Three

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Week three features your weekly portion of college football sadness and pain Please consume responsibly.

Auburn v Arkansas Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

Boy oh boy do I have a treat for y’all! I put in some calls to my friends at the church of college football sadness and they served up an absolute treat this week. I had to sift through a lot of garbage, but can you believe that people say outrageous things on the internet? It’s wild!

The SEC and ACC started up conference play this week, while the other three Power 5 conferences finished up their non-conference schedules, some in excruciating fashion. There was so much anger and sadness this week it was like I was at a political rally for (insert name of political candidate here).

Let’s start with the latest of these games because I, like college football, enjoy thrashing the rules to which you cling so desperately. The Texas Longhorns traveled out to Berkeley to lose to Cal in excruciating fashion, continuing the tradition they started last season.

Our journey then takes us to South Bend where the Irish were run over by the disrespect train manned by Michigan State. We then travel to Louisville to catch up with an ESPN Gameday massacre of the Noles at the hands of Lamar Jackson.

We finish up this week with a pair of SEC games. Auburn hosted the Aggies and slowly descended to madness as the game progress. The journey ends in Oxford Mississippi with the Rebels losing to the Tide in a game that will make cardiologists in both states exceedingly wealthy.

As always language = bad. Tell my mom I don’t have to put a dollar in the swear jar if I’m quoting people from the internet. Enjoy the Meltdown.

BEVO TEARS

Who could have possibly predicted that we were overrated at #11?

Kill yourselves If you $#@!gots go to any home games please suck a tailpipe or swallow a gun. You are $#@!ing worthless maggots and need to $#@!ing die in the most painful manner ever.

I blame cargo shorts!!! Those $#@!s, they are the ones responsible.

The thing I hate most about away games: no bump shots of hot Texas girls.

"No immediate recovery". Go fuck yourself, ref.

At the end of this year we bring in Saban. I'm tired of being $#@!ty. Aren't yall?

I'm beginning to think there was a curse attached to the LHN.

New drinking game: drink every time Longhorns make you sad, then you die.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna drive to that vacant lot in town where the neighborhood kids play tag football. Then, I'm gonna toss a dozen 12 year olds in the back, put them in Texas uniforms and call them a defense. BECAUSE MAYBE THEN WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET A STOP

THE PREVIOUS REVIEW IS UNDER REVIEW

WE FUCKING RECOVERED IT. FUCK THESE SHIT REFS. THIS GAME IS SO FUCKING STUPID. IM MAD AF CAN YOU TELL????? F U C K

If Buechele is hurt we burn and salt the field

Okay Texas Coaches, here's you're halftime adjustment. Pretty complicated, but achievable.

RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL.

There you go. You're welcome.

Guys, I'm fading like our offensive gameplan.

If Malik is hurt I'm replacing this rum and coke with bleach and rope.

We just did that

We just punt the ball with less than 2 minutes left while losing.

I stayed up until 1:35 for this shit

"I'm not sure the Bears can stop them on the ground."

Leave the booth, go to Texas' sideline, find Charlie/Sterlin, and rail that into his head.

$#@! Mack Brown. Amirite?

These announcers are the college kid who never went to class and just furiously read the study guide minutes before the exam

Horrible Defense a book by the Big XII Conference

TEXAS BACK… to making me want to die.

Fun fact! If you look up masochist in the dictionary it’s just a picture of a bunch of Texas football fans.

Damnit Charlie, Bevo didn’t die 14 times for this.

Our defense is as passive as my wife during sex.

Just woke up my 5 and 6 year old daughters by yelling “FUCK THESE RETARD REFS IN THE ASS WITH A PICK AXE!” My wife was displeased.

IRISH ANGER

Brian van Gorder's defensive philosophy seems to be "Bend and Break"

I SWEAR TO GOD KIZER, IF YOU DON'T SCORE ON THIS DRIVE, I WILL EAT ALL OF YOUR ALLOTED AMOUNT OF ICE CREAM RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF YOU!!!

Barber: how do you want it?

ND: Fuck the refs

Barber: Say no more.

MSU has the RB run into the QB ... and still gains yardage. Fuck me.

To any people who are not ND fans yes it is normal for ND fans to be on suicide watch when we are down at half by 1 score

If Brian van Gorder is our DC at the beginning of next season I will root for USC for the rest of my life.

I think ND might get a sack by week 9

Our defense is as imaginary as Manti Te’o’s girlfriend

Do you think Pope Francis will let these refs use birth control because they’re really fucking us hard and I can’t afford another kid.

It's like ND isn't bad, but also is bad

NBC playing "Don't let me down" after Notre Dame's secondary gives up a big passing play is just so brutal.

I accidentally drank 16 beers last nigjt so I had to go buy a new case for tonight, already back up to 9. I like beer.

I don't get enough joy out of ND football's rare highs anymore to endure the perpetual constant nut-shots. Fuck this.

Fuck this team. I'm so tired of the same shit year after year. This is the cycle of Notre Dame football. The seasons ends usually another 8 or 9 win year. The offseason begins most of the talking heads talk about how this year should be the year that Notre Dame returns to being great. We get another big recruiting class a high undeserved preseason ranking. Despite knowing how the year will end all the noise eventually makes me feel that this is the year. Sure enough the year starts and ends with another fucking 8 or 9 win year and the cycle starts again. I've wasted 16 years with this fucking group of underachievers, and sure enough I'll probably repeat this cycle again this offseason. I have a hard time seeing how I'm any different than a drug addict. Fuck Kelly, Fuck Van Gorder, fuck this team. Good luck with the rest of your year MSU. Also for anyone who wants to comment about how we lost two games to two good teams, or anything about it just being injuries, or about us having a bright future because of young players being forced to play please don't.

This is the purest form of Brian Kelly football. Raw talent, zero discipline.

You telling me you didn't expect a run up the middle on 1st and 10, Van Gorder?

Even though that's LITERALLY ALL THEY'VE DONE ON FIRST DOWN ALL NIGHT?

This is why your ass is getting fired, BVG

Notre Damn could run a clinic on how to miss tackles.

We are officially worse than Furman.

There's only one man who can save Notre Dame now…

I wish I wasn’t so Irish so it would take less booze to die of alcohol poisoning.

No I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a Notre Dame fan. There’s a slight difference.

One of these days Brian Kelly’s head is going to explode from pure rage.

I feel like it's in Flutie's contract that they have to mention his Hail Mary every 3 games.

Down over 20? Better run twice and then pass on 3rd down. Fuck.

I'm gonna chimney sweep my dick with a pen

TALKIN BOUT THE NOLES

We are honoring Ali with the Rope a Dope.

sorry for bad england

when were you when FSU was kill?

I was at home eat crab legs when Jameis ring

"FSU is puppies"

"No"

Our only hope is that Louisville runs that play were Petrino wrecks a motorcycle with his side piece on board

PAPA JOHNS MAKES TERRIBLE PIZZA

TENNESSEE WHISKY IS BETTER THAN KENTUCKY BOURBON

MIKE TYSON IN HIS PRIME WOULD HAVE DOMINATED ALI IN HIS PRIME

THE JUSTIFIED FINALE SUCKED

FSU fans

You aren't alone, if you need to talk someone just call:

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

God Bless

pray for the children about to be sacrificed in the fsu locker room during half time.

My pet’s heads are falling off

Okay, sacrificed the chicken, slit the pig’s throat, burned the tea leaves. Jimbo running out of kids to promise to satan… let’s get it done.

Alabama is going to annihilate us next year. F...

So that sucked… To quote the guy from the Burger King ad… "Somebody’s gotta get fired."

Me watching college football the rest of the day

Haven't seen a Jackson destroy the Seminoles this bad since Andrew did it in 1817.

Iowa and FSU, which is worse: getting beat by an FCS team, or getting beat like one?

And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Florida State football by 50 points.

This game

2 weeks ago

Football is back! Woo!

since 10am

No, no football, go away pls

dies

Miss u bae

Every time they interview Jimbo before halftime i feel like it's a local news channel interviewing a bystander in Pasco County about a neighborhood meth house blowing up.

Dear ten pound tiny baby Jameis. All I ask for is for the Noles to play motivated the entire game. While the 2nd half comebacks are fun, studies show the heart can't tell the difference between sports stress and real stress. Let's go back to the 2013 days of just stepping on dicks by halftime. In Jameis we trust, we ain't some puppies we some dogs, craaaaaablegs

My UF friends are being nice to me now. That's how bad this is.

"The humiliation. The embarrassment. National TV." - Kirk Herbstreit

If FSU can keep forcing Louisville into 3rd and 34 situations, I think they can get back into this game

This is what we get for hyping our team. This is what we get for having a fucking Showtime documentary abour our "national" ""championship"" """"""season"""".

Fuck everything.

Happiness is a lie, Santa Claus is dead and true love isn't real.

Fuck.

PHONE LINES ARE OPEN NOW FOR THE SAVE THE SEMINOLES TELETHON ANY DONATION CAN HELP THE SEMINOLES PAY FOR THEIR ASSHOLE RECONSTRUCTION SURGERY CALL NOW AT 1-800-ASS-BLAST

Remember when we laughed at Louisville for rehiring Petrino? Only one laughing now is him while he shits on our graves.

"hi I'm halftime FSU fan, I'm pretty sad but overall optimistic."

"Hi I'm post game FSU fan and I don't care who you call, I'm not putting the fucking gun down."

Petrino fucked us so bad he gave us crabs. Not the kind you steal from Publix but the kind you get from your coed slam piece.

BARNER RAGE

I'll be the first one to call Gene a retard, but not rite nowt. There is nothing other than feelz that says White is even an average QB.

Refs aren't throwing flags, aren't keeping time, probably aren't keeping score, so why are they there?

I think both teams can agree these refs are a bunch of worthless fuckwits. I'm sorry we have to watch this garbage together

This is shite. I feel sorry for the defense, Pettway and KJ. They deserve so much better. When is our "run first" coach going to learn that our best bet to win is run the football and throw a pass deeper than 7 yards? Fuuuuuck

I'll pay the gal at the waffle House 200 if she'll piss on his grits tonight.

At this point I don't give a frick about Petrino’s character. He could fall off 1000 Harley's if he won more than lost and kicked nick sabans ass.

Clint Mosely was not better than Sean White. Lay the crack pipe down

John Chavis looks like Saddam Hussein.

Great tackle on the guy that didn't have the ball there

Our band members even look defeated.

We had a fantastic week of practice though

Gus has no direction for this team and he doesn't need to be an offensive coordinator or head ball coach. Time to go back to division 2, 3, or highschool.

Screws the safety of the women at Auburn, bring in Art Briles. It’s just the women.

Its great to be cocks gun shoots self

God frick you Gus

Evans at VT is doing really good. Why didn't the retards bring him in?

If Gus fucked up the offense but fixed the defense maybe we need Chizik back to fix the offense?

I hate football. Luckily auburn quit playing football a couple years ago.

Jesus, it makes it look like the education is literally shit and you have to drag toilet paper around everywhere.

"I do declare, you must take this win."

"Now now, you're our guests. We wouldn't want to be bad hosts!"

So... 2 QB system is better than 3? But 3>2 ? WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT HERE FOLKS???

I wonder if Jay Jacobs is going to shed a tear when he takes ole Gus out behind the barn and puts one in the back of his skull?

Auburn's offense is shit. A&M's offense is shit. Refs are shit. Drinks are shit.

Can anyone direct me to the exit to the Gus Bus?

Thanks!

sips bleach

HOLD ON PAWL WE DONE TOOK THEM BRAKES OFF THE GUS BUS

I'm gonna go rage fuck my bammer wife and then cry into a bowl of ice cream and my dignity.

Our QB makes me ashamed to call myself a white supremicist.

WAOM

How to beat Ole Miss:

Step 1: Spot them a 3 score lead

Step 2: Watch Ole Miss implode

Step 3: Collect W

I have a horrible feeling that this is going to end up being the FSU game all over again.

Panic drinking begins now.

WHEN OLE MISS PLAYS ALABAMA EXPECT FUCKING WIZARD SHIT TO HAPPEN

Hi, I'm second half Ole Miss, and I have Cable.

Brb drinking gasoline

College football is a simple game: 22 men try to get a ball into the end zone for 60 minutes, and in the end Alabama always wins

Ole Miss: Was giving up 24 early points part of your plan?

Alabama: Of course.

I literally popped a blood vessel in my right eye yelling at my team and yelling at Gary.

Why is that guy allowed to have an axe on the bench?

If games were 25 minutes we'd be bad ass.

fuck this entire football team in teh ass

this is fucking stupid

how the fuck do you do that shit

So do we get to complain for the next year about how Alabama just got really lucky?

you really are a piece of doodoo, chad kelly

Ole Miss Football

You are fucking insane. This is a damn good football team. We got hosed on a few calls in a 5 point game. Three goddamn replays against us to negate a TD each time. A punt return TD by them when even their own fucking coach just knew it was coming back and we get two flags against us when there was a clear block in the back when the ball was caught. Shut the fuck up. This team won’t lose the rest of the year.

Shut the fuck up Gary. Sucking that dick

Best 1-2 team in the nation.

The real losers of this game are everyone who had to listen to Gary and Verne for 5 hours.

Do I think we deserved this loss? Hell yes.

Do I think the officiating is some of the worst I have ever seen? Hell yes.

Do I hate myself after spending more than four hours with Verne and Gary? Buying a gun now.

"The previous football game is under review."

Story of this fucking team.

People try to fight Saban with anger and reciprocal skill and ferocity.

He has proven invulnerable to those tactics.

When the Grinch stole Christmas, it wasn't anger that forced him to give the presents back.

It was love.

His heart grew three sizes that day.

Maybe...if we give Saban love, something he's never ever felt before, maybe we can stop from shitting on college football.

Maybe, just maybe, if we get Saban to love as well, he'll leave college football forever.