College football is back, and with it comes the overwhelming sadness and anger of college football fans across the nation. Congratulations reader, you survived the bleak, depressing winter of the not-football season. We're all very proud of you.
Team Entropy reigned supreme this week with the football gods gifting us with an enormous bounty of butt-hurt to enjoy this week. This week gave us several teams on the verge of meltdown greatness, hey there Vols, but there is no need for us to be greedy.
No, for this week we will open with the LSU fans who had themselves so convinced that last year's mediocre players would become good over the course of a magical offseason while Les Miles and Cam Cameron figured out the game of football. Next up are the Sooners who likely saw their national title chances evaporate at the hands of Tom Herman. Mississippi State lost to South Alabama, Auburn melted down even though they played better than most expected (of course they did) and Ole Miss fans were terribly perturbed watching their team blow a three-TD lead.
As always, know the language in here is deplorable but also hilarious. Read on at your own discretion, consenting adults, and tell us who won week one.
Join with me breathing in the misery of these poor sad souls. It's as good for the soul as your favorite barbecue meal served with a crisp, cool, adult beverage of your choice. College football is back!
The fact that he just said "vaunted Tigers offense" makes clear he has no fucking clue what he's talking about.
You're not an LSU fan if you don't yell at Brandon Harris at least a dozen times during a game
We just completed a pass. Pencil us in for the playoffs
Picked a good week to invest in Xanax.
Les Miles = Mack Brown. It’s time
(Switches to liquor)
I only love Team Chaos when we’re on Team Chaos :(
Fml, we had corndogs at halftime and now everyone has diarrhea in the house. Seriously wtf.
Calling Brandon Harris trash is a disservice to garbage.
Time to burn my diploma
Run up the middle, I never saw that coming.
I’m eating animal crackers and pretending that I’m eating badgers
Eat shit 76
Gang - if we drink more maybe it’ll help things out
HEY WISCONSIN WHY DONT YALL WIN?
NO THANKS TIGER BROS WHY DONT YOU TAKE IT?
NAWWWWW YALL TOO POLITE YALL WIN!
OHHH NO THIS ONE IS YOURS!
Bullshit. We deserve this loss
Welcome to LSU and Florida football where the defense scores more than the offense.
Make inside handoffs great again.
Les: "okay Harris, time for a pass."
Harris: "okie dokie artichokie"
Harris: "AH FUCK TIMEOUT!!!"
So did CLM have a stroke last season or was it coffee?
And that folks, is coaching. When is the last time you saw a CNS coached team do something like that?
Unfortunately a couple of our coaches have Downs
At least we can't say we peaked too early.
So sick of laying a fat fucking turd against teams we should dominate
I’m there. 9 month off season for this?? fuck it. I’m trying crack 2nite
If I got smashed every time Bob’s team shit their pants I’d be in AA.
I’m gonna go chop off my dick and jump into a flaming dumpster real quick
Everything sucks and then you die.
Where was you when ou ded
At home drinking oil and yelling guys
Toby keef calls phone
‘Ou is kill’
Just wanted to say, my favorite scene in Independence Day is when they nuke Houston.
We would have killed Appalachian State
camera pans to reveal the other wide receivers playing Pokemon GO as Westbrook fights off the entire defensive secondary
We all know what UH really stands for now. University of Harambe.
Well at least beer won’t make terrible play calls for me.
Grills are still a thing?
did we really just play boomer sooner on a 3 yard rush
I never thought it would come to this
I’m so glad this is just the preseason, right guys? We’ll come out prepared for the regular season *sob*
You’re welcome Bama fans.
I hate sports. I hate everything.
How about Houston moves to the Big 12 and OU goes to the American whatever the hell its called Conference?
Stoops just saved Strong’s job
The "Based God" curse is real
My warm bath water is running, I will see you all on the other side.
Burn it down. Burn it all down and start over.
Fire every Stoop
"OH NOOOOO" pic.twitter.com/Y7cqMYB554— Deadspin (@Deadspin) September 3, 2016
WE ARE BETRAYED BY OUR OWN BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYERS, THE GOALPOSTS
I’m confused, where’s Dak?
Can someone hmu with the suicide hotline number?
We went full State. Never go full State.
Not even a prescription for more cowbell could fix my fever :(
WEEP, WE LOST, WE WRETCHED, FOR WHAT ONCE WAS, AND NEVER SHALL BE AGAIN! MOURN YOUR PAST VICTORIES, FOR NOW THEY TASTE OF ASH!
OURS IS WOE! OURS IS THE BITTER END, TO HAVE TASTED ONCE, BUT ONCE ONLY! WE ARE UNDONE!
I’ve got South in my mouth and I don’t like it.
It appears I have eaten some funny mushrooms, because I just hallucinated a field goal.
Back to being the Vandy of the West
More like clanka clanka.
My wife left me
My life is a country song
Sometimes you clanga, and sometimes you get clanga’d.
Dak Prescott didn’t die for this.
Need more bagmen
Brb gonna go hang myself with a fun belt.
What’s up with Clemson using the same QB for every play? Is that Allowed?
Gus, get your shit together, get it all together and put it in a back pack, all your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it some where, take it somewhere, you know, take it to the shit store and sell it, or put it in the shit museum. I don't care what you do, you just gotta get it together.
Step 1. Start Sean White at quarterback.
Step 2. Put in a different quarterback.
Step 3. Go 3 and out.
"We’re going to run QB keeper on this 4th and 1"
"Ok, put the indecisive one in"
Can we get a concussion protocol for Gus, he’s clearly out of his mind
Insert auburn's 4th QB, Nam Cewton.
Let’s just call Sean White "Stephanie Meyer" because that was a terrible read.
Gus is playing 3DQB chess while everyone else is playing football.
Each and every single player on our defense needs to come home to a steak dinner and a blow job.
Is this Twitch plays NCAA?
Gus please don’t make these faces if we lose it’ll just be a meme.
I don’t even remember what hope feels like.
I guess it’s a good thing that I’m at the game, so I can’t drink myself into oblivion.
I miss offense.
GUS MALZAHN THINKS THAT CRUISERWEIGHTS ARE THE FUTURE OF SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
Shame about the offense being called by someone with a set of Yahtzee dice.
"And here's the Auburn student section:"
camera shows students trying to elbow themselves
Guys I’m scared of Jalen Hurts
THIS GAME MAKES ME WANT TO CALL PAUL ON MONDAY
EAT SHIT MALZAHN AND LASHLEE, THIS LOSS IS YOURS. THE DEFENSE KEPT YOU IN IT UNTIL THE END AND YOU HUNG YOUR DUMBASS STAR ON TRICK PLAYS AND HAIL MARYS.
THE UNIVERSE IS SUBBING THEM OUT FOR YOU GUS
Wow, a wide receiver is going to set a career high against us. What are the odds?
THREE QUARTERBACKS! I JUST WON TWENTY DOLLARS!
If JJ comes out I will punch myself in the balls as hard as I can.
Godfucking damnit we are fucking done . We aren't coming back from this
I'm sure the halftime BJs were great.
Maybe a different strategy next time Hugh. Games are sixty motherfucking minutes
Mother fucking fucking shit fuck. Kelly fucking sucks the receivers fucking suck everyone fucking sucks right fucking now . We are playing like pussy bitches
My God. What is this fuckery
Mother of god ... We have Alabama in two weeks
can't we just steal another team's players
these ones are shit
30 goddamn unanswered fucking points . We're fucking done and we fucking suck. Alabama will beat us by fucking 60 and we will go 6-6 this year . Fucking despicable and unacceptable . This is David wommacks pussy ass fault. His soft add defense is willingly giving up ten yards to the receivers
they're stomping a diarrhea hole in our ass
The problem with being decent is that this is that much harder.
We used to just be able to laugh, drink, make snarky fun of Houston Nutt, and go to bed.
We suck now. Amazing how that works when your defense is real goddamn young and always on the field.
At least I'll be on the mountain chasing elk with my bow and unreachable for the Alabama game...
Typical schizophrenic ass team. Sweet Freezus I guess when we lose we can say we gave it to them with 3 turnovers.
Man I hate to be such a negative Nancy
But goddamn if this isn't the most atrocious defensive playcalling I've seen since...Memphis last year. If Francois can beat us on the edge then fuck it. But for fucks sake, Kirk Herbstriet has mentioned our insane cushions at least 4 times. Pls.
When I have a kid, he's gonna start kicking footballs at age motherfucking two. And a half.
That FSU dude that I won't even try to spell in my stupor/rage, is bro #2 in his family to go to college for free and wonder what it's like to ever be hit. NFL is a little squirrelier for kickers, but hey, a degree!
i cant remember, is stress supposed to be fun?! are we masochists?
I'm about to break alot of shit
FIRE FUCKING EVERYTING THIS IS GODDAMN FUCKING POTATHIEC
3rd and wommack. Is this a thing yet?
Our defense has never been able to cover big white tight ends.
We're like a pair of skinny jeans on a Bama fan.
GIVE US THE FUCKING DEATH PENALTY
Goddamn fucking horseshit...What in the actual fuck were these coaches doung at halftime??? Why cant we move the ball or stop them at all this is the most embarrassing shit I have ever seen.... The whole fucking country is watching and we are shittin all over ourselves....fuck Hugh Freeze
Fuck this shit I'm out if we really did buy all these players then they suckass and we should have bought better ones...these bitches have no hearts fuck you Hugh freeze...
Bama excuse time. . 4 turnovers. ..we gave it to them.
This is the worst loss since Auburn. Honestly entire team deserves to have their balls kicked in. They can go fuck themselves.