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RBR Tailgating: I liked the way we played

I mean it.


Well that didn’t go as planned.

I thought we were taller.

I certainly thought, apparently, that I was going to get up much later than I actually did. Morning comes early these days. This level of properly earned regrets are immune to the curative influence of Tylenol, or paracetamol if you’re trying to sound posh. This may require returning to the scene of the crime.

My plan was to devise a cool and interesting Bloody Mary recipe you could whip out to the astonishment of your friends (twiss) but that idea died the moment the alarm (which was way too damn loud, by the way) went live. Nobody in their wrong mind wants to mess about with celery salt and green olives or measure out ground horseradish when the tail end of a bottle of Laphroaig nipping on your neurons.

If you are anything like me you want an unadorned Mr. T’s or Zing Zang if you can get it. Speed and simplicity. Hell, that can of tomato paste that’s been sitting in the back of the pantry for months is looking pretty good.

For whatever reason, in our society drinking in the morning is frowned upon unless your liquor of choice is diluted with tomatoes. There is a subset that claims sparkling wine in combination with fruit is okay, but those people are just a bunch of degenerate morning drunks putting on airs. This is medicinal.

It’s a funny journey if you think about it. Tomatoes have made it from the 16th century basement as a suspect member of the deadly nightshade family to our modern day family room as a legitimizer of pissing the day away.

Had I [strike cared] been smart I would have posted this a few days ago so you could have fresh and lovely BM mix at hand. I didn’t and you are in no shape to make this in your current state. Keep it in mind for next time.

Bloody Mary Mix

tomato juice, or V8 - whatever - I don’t care

1 jigger (1.5 ounces) cheap vodka

1 splash Tobasco sauce


1 pinch celery salt

too much black pepper

horseradish to taste

celery stick for no other reason than to look good - leafy bits are best

some green olives on a tooth pick that you’ll eventually give to your kids

Full disclosure: Wanting to get ahead and suspecting that things might go sideways Monday night I went to a local shop known for cool and tasty concoctions. Their red onion jam is a spectacular addition to hamburgers, their dill vinegar has changed lunch for us. I asked the woman running the place about the various house made Bloody Mary mixes and she walked me through them; spicy and exiting to cilantro and fresh to… they had about six different blends.

When I finally picked one she rang it up. $22. For 32 oz. I was too far gone. There was no “Wait. That’s too expensive.” I just taxed her for five minutes or so about the virtues of various soon to be tinctures. There was no going back. To repeat I just spent more on garnish than I did on liquor if you go by volume. 32 ounces is a Big Gulp. This better be good. I expect orgasmic recovery in the next few minutes. If not I’m going to… what? Pour another? That might do it. You never know.

Tomorrow is another day.