Welcome back lovers of misery, boy do I have something special for you this week. One of the things I love most about college football is how stupid and random this ridiculous sport is.
Entering last week, I thought to myself “this week is sure to be without great suffering. How will I produce a meltdown of my standards with no sadness?” Lucky for y’all I am quite dumb and bad at predicting things. This week was fantastic and full of many tears. There’s no better feeling than laughing at the misery of your rivals while your team sits aloft on a pedestal currently untouched by college football’s merciless gods of chaos.
Let’s meet this week’s contestants on the world’s saddest game show: “Who Wants To Scream About Football?”
Starting off with a familiar friend, the Ole Miss Rebels. This team came to Tuscaloosa and were the victims of a very public nationally televised 4-hour brutal execution losing 66-3.
Butch Jones led his Volunteers to a 41-0 home loss to Georgia. It was as bad as the score suggests, which made for great content for you, the discerning reader.
Third on the list we have the used to be number 5 USC Trojans who made the mistake of playing a Friday night game in Pullman against Mike Leach. Wazzu won in a late thriller 30-27.
Fourth up on the list we’ve got the Texas Tech Red Raiders playing Oklahoma State at night in Lubbock where dangerous things can and often do happen. I’m not just talking about football. Tech looked like they were going to pull the upset off then lost in painful and predictable fashion. This was their first loss of the season.
Lastly, we have what might be the most juicy melt of the year. Twenty fifth ranked LSU hosted Troy for their homecoming game at night in Death Valley. Troy won the football game and sadness ensued.
Please be warned: there will be bad words used further down this webpage. If you don’t want to see them please leave now before the swears overtake you and ruin your sheltered life. Flee now for they are too powerful and will turn you into an internet commenter. Nobody wants that.
Enjoy the sadness my friends.
Our front page right now is just Shea Patterson in descending degrees of suffering. pic.twitter.com/blNZ4zbrZP— Air & Space Law Blog (@RedCupRebellion) October 1, 2017
Nice to see #EggBowlTwitter restored to its true equilibrium: Arguing over whose blowout loss was more embarrassing.
Like I said, it’ll be a cold day in hell before Bama scores 70 on Ole Miss. No disrespect to the Tide.
Ole Miss vs Alabama is like watching David & Goliath except David already got fired for calling Bathsheba from his university phone.
Is Ole Miss offering a refund on college or
"Now checking in at running back, 3rd chair trombone player, Sally Bates, who is averaging 9 yards per carry.”
Ole Miss passed the 50. Should Alabama still be ranked?
Once Saban ties Bryant in NCs he's going to move his strategy to only defensive scoring to see if he can get another one the hard way.
WE WANT nothing to do with BAMA
Ole Miss on the phone with the NCAA right now trying to get them to vacate this loss
This song perfectly describes how I feel watching this game
In two games versus SEC schools, Alabama has outscored their opponents 125-3. holy shit bama
All this pain could’ve been avoided if Hugh Freeze’s wife had just put out.
We scored 3 on em so at least we’re better than Vandy.
“Remember when we beat bama twice in a row” is all we’re gonna want to remember for the next 30 years of miserable football we’re about to endure.
Watching this game is like getting surgery from Dr. Bo. Not only will you die, it will be incredibly painful the entire time.
“Execute order 66” - Lord Saban.
Darth Saban has eliminated the rebel alliance.
Only Bama fumbles and nets positive yards
Our players are so dead inside they barely chased that DB when he caught the pick because they already knew he was gonna score.
The vengeance of Houston Nutt is swift and severe.
I think the worst part of this loss is that Bama wasn’t even happy at the end of it. They beat us by 63 fucking points and Saban is still pissed in the posgame interview. One of their players said this was a 5/10 game for them. FIVE OUT OF TEN AND THEY WON 66-3 WHAT THE DAMN FUCK ARE YOU SERIOUS?! This is the most disrespectful team of all time and they’re going to kill the will to live of every damn team they play.
TENNESSEE YOU LATER
A few years ago, 2014, I went to the Tennessee game in Athens. There was a drunk Tennessee fan with his girlfriend in the row behind us.
Throughout the first half he ran his mouth without end. At halftime, my friend and I started to jaw back at him.
He looked at us and started to chant, "SCORE-BOARD! SCORE-BOARD!"
Georgia was up, 21-17.
Well at least Georgia didn't hurt their knees while they kirbstomped us.
September isn't over and Tennessee is already eliminated from SEC East contention.
The state of Tennessee has been outscored 100-0 in SEC on CBS games the past two weeks.
SEC on CBS has now witnessed 100 straight unanswered points.
It was a nice thought to change from orange to grey, but you're supposed to wear black to a funeral Tennessee.
Can't hide these voluntears
I think it’s so fitting that we have a trashcan on the sidelines so Butch Jones can feel at home when he’s coaching.
Edit: This is the most fitting image of Tennessee football I’ve seen.
My therapist told me to say something nice every day:
Tennessee, that dark gray makes your orange less ugly.
Butch Jones picks the urinal next to yours in an empty bathroom.
Butch Jones takes a knee when Rocky Top plays.
Butch Jones looks like he would try to fight the umpire at his son's Little league game
Butch Jones thinks mayo is spicy
Butch Jones yells at little kids on Rocket League
Butch Jones likes standing in lines at Disney World and won't let his family get a Fast Pass.
Butch Jones only watches College Gameday for Bear.
Butch Jones fucks five 2's and says he fucked a 10.
Butch's favorite pokemon trainer was Brock
Butch Jones is not entitled to compensation for his mesothelioma diagnosis.
Butch Jones is the head coach for Tennessee
Gary: "Just a nightmare of a day for Missouri"
Brad: pause "...you mean Tennessee?"
Gary: "Haha, yeah"
NO ONE comes into Neyland and beats UT 42-0. NO ONE.
Just found this gem from the "UT hires Butch Jones" thread from 4 years ago:
You know that feeling when you're at a bar at closing time? Long past when you first got to the bar looking around and think you have a shot with any girl. But as the night moved along you lost out on a few girls to some other guys, some girls just weren't interested, maybe they already have a boyfriend. You've had a few too many whiskey cokes and then you look at your watch at it's already a quarter to closing time and you start to panic. You look over and your 3 buddies from the dorm that came with you are already making out with some girls across the bar. But at this point the place is starting to thin out. You're looking around and start compromising a little bit. The booze is kicking in and you can ignore the 20 extra lbs on the blonde in the corner. Her teeth aren't that straight, but hell, what does that matter anyway? You go to talk to her and she speaks like Fran Drescher and laughs like a high-pitched pterodactyl. Then you just say, "fuck it", this ain't that big of a deal anyway, right? No one will laugh at you as long as you got some. Tennessee, this is your AD right now.
UNIVERSITY OF SAD CALIFORNIANS
Mike Leach is an American Treasure. pic.twitter.com/4Ashs2r4KH— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) September 30, 2017
Mike Leach seems legit disappointed that everyones clothes are still on.
ESPN: “Did you see the way Darnold took that loss? That was an NFL caliber way to take a loss. He is truly incredible.” Most important quality for a Browns QB
In fairness to Darnold, he played as well as could be expected when he had to play with the entire broadcast crew hanging from his nut sack.
Sam Darnold looks like the villain from The Incredibles
Literally every fucking game against a West Coast/Pac 12 opponent:
"Wow this receiver is from Los Angeles, CA and guess what team he liked growing up???? USC! But those heartless bastards never gave him a scholarship!!!!!"
Player in question: 2 star
We're going left
Oh man thanks for the heads up
Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
*fun drinking game:
Take a sip every time they will inevitably talk about Sam Darnold during this broadcast in some aspect
*the fun part is where you die in the second quarter.
"Did you catch the ball?"
"I'd be a lot cooler if you did."
PAC12 officiating headquarters will now have a 3 month party to commemorate the correct ruling of an obscure call
I learned something from pac 12 refs.
I feel dirty.
This ends Darnold’s Heisman campaign until at least the next commercial break.
Think of all WSU's newly acquired land...
HEY ESPN, AS LONG AS YOUR SUCKING IT, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US HOW BIG DARNOLD'S DICK IS
Wait wait wait guys hear me out… Dam Sarnold
Fun fact: the leading cause of death in Texas Tech football fans is Texas Tech football— Brice Paterik (@80GradeWhitt) October 1, 2017
sometimes you wreck em but other times em wreck you
Try not to cry.
Cry a lot.
current mood: one of those Soviet soldiers they sent to Stalingrad without a rifle
Tech got their miracle at a chance to tie this game and they took a dump on that chances face and then spit on it for good measure
These refs can honestly eat 17000 bags of goat turds
Wish they would’ve not sucked at defense when Pat was still here. Maybe we could’ve been a not bad team then. Who knows
My dog grows more fearful by the minute as my screams grow in intensity and frequency. She is a good dog
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME TEXAS TECH FOOTBALL?!?! *hyperventalates aggressively into a paper bag*
September 30, 2017
The light has gone out of my life
Where were you when Texas tech was defense I was eating tortilla when Pyotr call.
When i told my girlfriend that Kliff could possibly be fired this season she said "I have an opening he could fill".
Does anyone know what program she was referring to?
My life would hurt less if I wasn't so emotionally invested in football.
Mike Leach is watching videos of tigers right now, not this game. Let's be real. Oh, and fuck Craig James.
IF I FUCKING SEE THIS DIRECTV COMMERICAL ONW MORE TIME IM GONNA FUCKING PUNT A CHILD THAT IS IF I WASN’T A TEXAS TECH FAN AND AS SUCH DO NOT BELIEVE IN PUNTS
“Fuck you, fuck me, fuck everybody” - Mike Leach.
Ok I'm going to run over to Marsha Sharp real quick, first person who sees me please do me the honor.
Our defense is playing their ass off right now. I'll take words I never thought I'd say for $1000, Alex.
Watch Kliff run Stockton up the middle three times, and then punt.
The winner of Oklahoma State-Texas Tech has exclusive rights to finger guns for the rest of the year. Huge stakes.
When I said I’d let Kliff fuck me THIS WAS NOT WHAT I MEANT.
Texas Tech is putting this in the very capable hands of its defense^ a real sentence I just wrote in 2017
You know that scene in Game of Thrones where the dude with the spear and that fucking huge guy battle to the death and it looks like the little spear dude has finally done the impossible and beaten the big ass mountain dude and he’s standing there like yeah this is awesome, but then the mountain guy gets up and squeezes spear dude’s head until it explodes and you sit there wondering what if he just stabbed the dude while he was on the ground, why couldn’t he finish it, how the hell could he lose when he was so close and you sit there rotting in your own despair for an hour drinking to numb yourself and also to forget how close spear guy was to winning so next time you get attached and think some character you like can actually live you’ll know better than to hope.
That’s what it’s like being a Texas Tech fan
TEAM WHO LOST TO TROY
Hey @LSU, thanks for having us down for homecoming! We really enjoyed it!— Troy University (@TROYUnews) October 1, 2017
THIS TEAM beat us. Time to commit sepoopoo
The solution to all our problems is firing Ed Orgeron and naming Ed Orgeron the interim head coach
Guys, I'm starting to think LSU might not be the 25th best team in the country
If we lose this game I will actually film myself chopping my dick off and post the video here. CUT THAT TIGER DICK, BITCH!
Let this sink in for a moment: we just lost to Troy. Not Auburn. Not Bama. Not Florida. We just paid a team one million UNITED STATES DOLLARS to come into Tiger Stadium and beat us. Just fuck my shit up fam
Troy is in Alabama, so in a way, we did lose to Bama?
Les Miles died for this
Scheduling cupcakes isn't gonna help Troy's strength of schedule.
We a Quidditch school now boiz
Me: starts getting hyped for comeback
realizes I'm getting hyped for a POTENTIAL comeback vs TROY
falls into a deep depression again
lol @ all the people who aren't LSU fans acting like this bullshit isn't normal LSU fare. Last time we played Troy we were DEFENDING NATIONAL CHAMPIONS and were down 24-3 at the half. Yeah we suck, but it's not like this bullshit isn't something we're used to.
LSU football needs to clean house and get a fresh start if they ever want to be good again
The promotion from within rarely works because the culture of the team doesn't change. LSU has too many Miles era coaches left who are still using Miles era coaching tactics. The offense isn't better. It appears like the same basic philosophies and restrictions are being used. LSU needs a fresh start with fresh coaches. The offense is the biggest disappointment. LSU fans have forgotten what a good offense looks like. It's disgraceful LSU can't join the 21st century on offense.
Got to give O three years I was so upset I left early,but we have to give him three years. The wrong hire was Canada that back yard off stinks fire him and get a top guy
Saban lost to UAB at home his first year at LSU and he lost to ULM at home his first year at Bama. We're on track to success
Why does our offense suck? The answer is here
Is LSU still a destination job?
Why not stand behind Our Coach, he is going to be here for awhile
Growing up I fondly remember my dad taking me to LSU games every time we got the chance. We’d hang out with his old college buddies playing cornhole, eating gumbo and they’d have some beers, you know the deal. It was such a special time with so many cherished memories with my father, especially when we’d win. The past few years I’ve been taking my son trying to create some of those memories for him. Today is one of those days I know he’ll remember forever, because I’m sure it’s impossible to forget watching your dad get shitfaced screaming at the tailgate, then seeing your team lose their homecoming game to Troy, then watching your drunkass dad trip and knock the pot of gumbo all over himself, then piss his pants in front of God and everybody. I don’t think I can go back to that tailgate anymore.