NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Week 9

Welcome back internet friends to the best thing you’ll read online this week. Unless you read other things online which are better than this. Which would be impossible because those things don’t exist.

Since Alabama had a bye week and you aren’t Nick Saban or a Bama player/coach you got to sit back, relax, and enjoy others’ pain first-hand. If you are Nick Saban or a Bama player/coach please don’t tell me because then I’ll get all self-conscious and start rambling and embarrass myself or maybe do tell me because that’d be pretty cool if Nick Saban read something I wrote or maybe not oh god I’m doing it (shut up dude you’re blowing it) so yeah don’t tell me who you are.

Sports are what we’re all here for so let’s talk about the sports. Open on a football stadium in Jacksonville. Two teams enter the field: one is good, the other is Florida. The bulldogs unLEASH a fury of 42 straight points against the Gators. Late in the fourth quarter Florida starts its comeback scoring a staggering seven unanswered points to end the game. It would not be enough to win or keep Jim McElwain. Florida lost.

The fourth ranked TCU horny toads took their talents to Ames Iowa, which is always a bad decision. This game turned into a defensive slugfest thus resulting in fines from the Big 12 for damaging the brand. TCU fans were hopping mad. Iowa State won 14-7 leaving a trail of dead amphibians in their wake, along with the conference’s best hope at a playoff spot.

Michigan State traveled up to Northwestern and fought a triple overtime battle with the Wildcats. The game ended with a Sparty loss and a lot of happy journalists with a final score of 39-31.

Ohio State and Penn State played what we all thought was going to be the game of the week and ended up being exactly that. The Mountain Couger Nittany Bobcat Lion Cats jumped out to a big early lead leaving their entire fanbase terrified. When Penn State entered the fourth quarter with a 15 point lead their fans knew they had lost. Ohio State won the game 39-38.

From this point forward the language is bad and it should feel bad. Anyone who speaks parseltongue will be highly offended while those fluent in Dutch will find the secret map to where I buried the treasure in the content below.

Best of luck.

FLLLLORIDA:

Florida and FSU fans laughing at each other lately.

Man, I'm...<commercial break>....ready for this...<commercial break>...game to kick...<commercial break>...off...<commercial break>...on CBS.

Florida beating Tennessee on the field and in a coaching search.

If you would've told me at the start of the season that McElwain was the first to get the sack out of all the SEC coaches in the hot seat, I would've laughed in your face

FIRE BUTCH MCELWAIN

START - RESTART GAME - ARE YOU SURE? - YES

Bring back the McRib

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DNQHyBOUEAA2udC.jpg

The Gators may not have scored a lot of points, but their performance was definitely offensive.

GUYS WHAT IF THE DEATH THREATS MCELWAIN WAS GETTING WAS A WARNING FROM GEORGIA FANS THAT WE WERE GONNA GET MURDERED IN JACKSONVILLE :thinking:

TIME TO GET OUT THE FLIGHT TRACKERS

Dumb ass. He Phil Jackson'ed us! Took the money and ran.

Fuck you jim

Im about to destroy my liver like a girl with bad self-esteem on tinder…

At this point, I would rather have Patrick Star as our head coach, and he literally is so stupid he forgot how to eat

Jim Mcelwain just sent himself a death threat

Florida shark population breathes huge sigh of relief.

Ya know I hear this Urban Meyer guy might be a good fit at Florida.

When Charlie Strong gets the UF job that was his all along>>>>>>

Joey Swampwater lets fuckin goooooo

Florida beat Tennessee twice in one year. First on the field, then to the carousel.

We just got Kirby-stomped

Spurrier: Shark fucker, do you need assistance?

McElwain: Nope I’m good!

RIBBITING RAGE

Hey guys did you know that ISU receivers are all superhumanly tall whilst TCU corners are certified manlets?

I'll laugh if there is a five team tie for first at the end of the Big 12 season

Iowa State single handily eliminating the big 12's chances of putting a team in the playoffs

This game is ending with a Hill pick

Kenny is a helluva Hill to die on, but by god Gary’s gonna do it

Run for the hills everyone, the Cyclone Apocalypse that we all feared has finally arrived.

Iowa State wins vs top 5 opponents:

1892-2016: 1

2017: 2

When ISU is bad: "Oh god, why do they have to be in the big 12?"

When ISU is good: "OH GOD, WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE IN THE BIG 12?!?"

Oh no Iowa State what IS U doing?punintendedImsorry

Maybe we can squeeze in one more penalty before halftime.

Baylor died for this.

Ribbit :(

Thats a nice offsidesdrive you got there pass interferenceTCU, be a shame fumbleif something happened to interception it

BIG XII CANNIBALISM BABY

https://i.imgur.com/boDMvih.png

When I was a young boy I asked my local meteorologist "what does a cyclone do?"

He said one word, "chaos"

Big XII weather forecast: A cyclone is tearing thru the conference.

https://i.imgur.com/1klHZLx.jpg

runs same play with positive outcome: "Keep running it until they can stop it"

runs same play with negative outcome: "You can't expect them to fall for that again"

GARY PATTERSON CHANGE YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT

In Ames after a big win everyone goes out to dinner at the fanciest restaurant in town.

SPARTACUSSING MAD

BIG TEN AFTER DINNER

I've never seen a fumble followed by an interception in the same play before

Ahh Northwestern. There's rarely a more dreaded team on your schedule than Northwestern. One of two things will happen:

They are having a great year and it's going to be a battle because it is.

They are having a rebuilding year, but you're sweating because you know they could be 0 and 6 and still upset a top 10 team (which Michigan State is not) because that's what they do.

That being said, I always look forward to watching MSU-Northwestern games. Maybe I'm masochist...

Hear me out: next week MSU catches PSU in a hangover game. Then OSU takes their loss out on Iowa and MSU gets them in the hangover from that game. Lose to Bama by 40 in the Playoff.

HOW THE FUCK IS THAT HOLDING????

DOINK 2: THE DOINKENING, or HOW SPARTANS GOT THEIR DOINK BACK (ELECTRIC DOINKALOO)

Throughly whelmed

I HAVE A CARDIOLOGY FINAL ON MONDAY

my heart can't take this and I need to learn why!

Wildcat_roar_5.mp3

These aren't even really forced fumbles. We hold the ball like it's a fucking carton of eggs. Kill me.

HI I'm cable Brian lewerke and I can't hit a wide open receiver

HI I'm direct TV Brian lewerke and I can hit a WR double covered on tiny windows

We're finally going to succeed in beating ourselves today, after trying our damndest all season. Good news Spartans! We're finally better than us!

Just an FYI, we're not playing "prevent defense", our safeties are straight up just making terrible reads and getting lost in coverage

Our fumble team has a football problem

"LOL MICHIGAN IS GONNA FINISH 4TH IN THE BIG EAST."

*Sparty peaks in* Not so fast my friend!

Let that be a lesson to you all, no one takes Northwestern to quadruple overtime!

The fact our players aren't playing with a sense of urgency until late in the 4th quarter speaks volumes about our offensive coaching staff. Lewerke was nearly perfect on that final drive of regulation.

Also we may be the only team in America this year to have both a fumble and INT in the same play.

Dark Mantonio

PENN15 STATE

If I die from alcohol poisoning before the second half someone use a ouiji board to tell me how the game ends

We are up 11 and I'm still convinced we are gonna lose this game

"What do you think, our resident rules expert in NY Dean Blandino?"

"... I dont know"

SOMEONE PLEASE I NEED TO KNOW WHEN THE WORLD SERIES BEGINS. PLEASE ANYONE

If you thought Penn State wouldn't blow a 21-3 lead, you were Sorley McStaken

This graph correlates precisely with the size of my erection during the game.

"7-time Heisman nominee" JT Barrett.

Ohio St has been eliminated from playoff contention.

Nevermind.

Nice to see JT Barret's gonna get his doctorate in football this year

PSU Fan: I want to die

Bama Fan: I thought you wanted Bama?

LIKE IF YOU ARE A STRONG BIG SCHOOL WHO DON'T NEED NO SPECIAL TEAMS

https://imgur.com/a/8Xrmy

OSU is like a monster in a horror movie that just won't die.

EACH DAY WE STRAY FURTHER FROM GOD'S LIGHT CLOSER TO 4 SEC TEAMS IN THE PLAYOFF

ESPN secretly a Penn State fan

At least we don’t have to worry about who we’ll face in the playoffs anymore.

My team is ranked #2 and has an 11 point lead. I’ve never felt less confident.

DON'T LET JT BARRETT HAVING HIS HEISMAN MOMENT DISTRACT YOU FROM THE FACT THAT PENN STATE BLEW A 21-3 LEAD.

https://i.imgur.com/l9PlCOa.gif

Hi, I'm Penn State's first 3 quarters and I have DirecTV

Hi, I'm Penn State's 4th quarter and I put old eggs in my butt and try to hatch them for fun