NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Week 10 — Ohio State, what are you even doing?!

Greetings fellow schaudenfreudeophiles and welcome back to the greatest weekly column about folks getting mad on line. Trust me I’ve read every other one and this one is clearly the best. You can trust me because you know I am first and foremost a capital “J” journalist here to seek the truth.

It’s week 10 which means we only have a few precious weeks of this season left, soak this stuff in y’all. Soon it will be the winter and we’ll have to find our shaudenfreudial fix by laughing at that one coworker’s inability to file that document request form out the right way. NICE TRY JIM HAHA YOU SUCK LEARN HOW TO FILL OUT THAT D-17 FORM YOU MORON! Just doesn’t have the same fulfillment.

Now let’s take a look and see what the scoreboards say OH MY GOD OHIO STATE LOST TO IOWA HOW DID YOU DO THAT HAHAHAHAH! Ok there are some other games we need to talk about like Penn State lost to Michigan State by a score of HOW DID IOWA BEAT OHIO STATE WOW THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE!

Yeah that was funny but we’ll get there later. Bedlam happened and Oklahoma beat Oklahoma State in the shootiest shootout of the weekend. Even though it wasn’t an upset, Cow Poke fans sure were NOT ONLY DID IOWA BEAT OHIO STATE THEY WHOOPED THEM SO BAD THEY’LL MISS THE PLAYOFF FOR SURE!

Ok dude chill there are other games besides that. LSU played Alabama in Tuscaloosa and despite beating Bama in total yards and time of possession, LSU still lost by 14 points. The Tigers now have lost 7 in a HOLY CRAP IOWA RAN A FAKE PUNT ON OHIO STATE THEY WERE UP 21 POINTS IN THE SECOND HALF.

Are you done now? Yeah I’m good. Ok, cool. Ohio State lost to Iowa 55-24. It was hilarious. Kirk Ferentz flexed all over the Buckeyes. This win was predictable because obviously Hawk Eyes are superior to Buck Eyes. Hawks can see like super far away. Deer need reading glasses to read billboards.

The language that follows is as foul as a children’s playground the day one kid finally learned all the cusswords. Read on at your own peril.

PENN ST AIN’T

THINGS THAT ARE GREEN AND DO WELL IN WATER:

FERNS, MICHIGAN STATE, FROGS

I’m not nearly emotionally intelligent enough to unpack the emotions this outcome is making me feel right now. I’m gonna go stare at a lake in the cold and think about stuff

No one teaches us how to feel things in the Midwest. Then they makes us love sporting teams and let the chips fall where they may.

B1G totally pulled a Pac-12 today.

Four scariest places in the B1G

Kinnick at Night

Beaver Stadium in a Whiteout

Columbus in a blackout

Michigan State in a washout

So the Big Ten's hopes of making the CFP is handed to... Wisconsin.

Wisconsin.

You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - the most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against Mark Dantonio in the rain!"

mfw

Ohio State 2015. Michigan this year. Now this. Almost every time I think we're going to lose badly or be overmatched to a team who's vastly superior on paper, Dantonio pulls a fucking rabbit out of his hat. GG Penn State

We fucking suck but we're thunder buddies for life now MSU

Refs: "We're calling a weather delay fuck you.

Um and incomplete pass or something"

The weather protec MSU but it also attac

Mother Nature is Michigan State’s 12th man

Maybe if Mcsorely aimed at the wrs feet he'd hit them in their chest

Throw the challenge flag on the weather delay

Game plan to beat PSU: just throw the ball anywhere

Prior to the season UM, PSU, and OSU all thought they would be the one to make it to the playoffs. Back in the shadows of the B1Ge, Dantonio fed off the disrespekt and bode his time as he grow stronger by the day.

Ohio State: "You play Wisconsin in the Big 10 Championship"

Penn State: "No YOU play Wisconsin in the Big 10 Championship"

I had to

This is Ohio's fault, I know it.

We don't want Bama

YEAH WELL AT LEAST YOU HAVE TO CARRY THE LAND GRANT AROUND NOW! IT'S HEAVY AND AWKWARD!

Saquon's Heisman moment

OKLOLHOMA STRAIGHT BAD AT DEFENSE

Let's start calling it Belam cause there was no D involved tonight

The state of Oklahoma has been forced to defund all defenses due to the budget shortfall.

REFS FUCKING US 14 POINTS IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE OF FUCKING COURSE YOU BASTARDS

“I saw him hook the WR”

No you didn’t

“No I didn’t”

Big 12 refs baby!

The rest of the country: Gotta have a strong offense and defense

The Big 12: Defense? Where we're going we don’t need defense

Still not the worst OSU loss today

Mason wat r u doin on 4th & 8 buddy

The other reindeer made fun of Rudolph because he’s a shitty quarterback, not because he had a red nose.

If that isn't a catch, let's just stop having football games.

One of these days I’m going to die of a heart attack watching Bedlam

Defense was so bad today the DoD is moving Tinker AFB out of state.

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~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ you are a BIG 12 team ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~ who don’t need no defense ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

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So fucking sick and tired of losing to ou every single year. We’re in the golden age of OSU football and will never ever get over the top because of that.

I have screamed more in this game than I have all season. I'm tingly

Hollywood Brown has "get away from the cops" speed. Maybe he can teach Baker a thing or two

Ran out of tonic water so I'm having to use my wife's coconut la croix to mix. Not so good but still getting the job done.

Jokes on you Sooners, I EXPECTED disappointment!

I just want to thank both teams tonight, I lost 7 lb in sweat over this game

https://i.imgur.com/Xe4INty.jpg

Can’t wait for fracking to finally sink our state into the earth’s core and we all die. Then I won’t have to watch any more Bedlam games and I’ll finally be happy. Except when I get to hell I’ll be forced to listen to Boomer Sooner on repeat while Baker Mayfield fucks me in the ass for eternity.

SEVEN IN A REAUX

Formal petition to request Gary Danielson be banned from all types of broadcasting and media.

We just watched a 3 hour 18 minute CBS game. Let that sink in.

I blame Young Sheldon

I’m ready to ignore everything about the LSU football program and accuse Bama of being a bunch of cheaters

Imagine if LSU had a functional offense.

https://i.imgur.com/xqFPikq.png

-outgain them 306 to 299

-win time of possession 34:07 to 25:53

-16 first downs to their 14

-9/19 on 3rd down to their 5/14

-beat the spread

I am so fucking tired of giving Alabama their toughest regular season game every fucking year and always coming away with a loss.

Beating Bama - why it doesn’t matter: Beating Bama in the regular season doesn’t matter. Even if we pulled the upset Saturday night how far does Bama drop in the polls? How far does LSU move up? Even if we beat Bama, run the table in the regular season our likely opponent in SECCG is Georgia. Say we lose to GA, Bama runs table with impressive wins vs Auburn and State, does a one loss Bama still make the playoffs? Probably. A three loss LSU no chance. Even beating GA in SECCG might not be enough to make playoffs imo. Point being LSU should not waste one extra ounce of time worrying about beating Alabama in the regular season, apologizing, etc. The focus should be going undefeated outside of the Bama game and making the strongest case for playoffs or top tier bowl game, much like Bama in 2011/2012. That’s the smart approach. At this point Bama is a professional college team, and will stay that way so long as CNS runs the show.

Gary danielson was the biggest gump homer last night

Never forget

I'm surprised some here are excited about a 14 point loss.I didn't get to see the game but I'm damn sure will watch the re play to see what all the excitement is about. It must have been one hell of a loss because I have never seen LSU fans excited about a double digit loss.

I think we can all agree that Gary Danielson is the most insufferable person to ever call a football game. Poo on you Gary, you lousy fuckin' turd juggler.

Mayfield puts up 1000 yards on OKSTGary: Time to talk about Jalen for Heisman after all the real contenders struggled today!

Just remember the good times

Name a more iconic duo than LSU and underwhelming quarterback play, I'll wait.

we will never ever ever fucking beat bama Jesus

Does anyone else get the feeling that Gary feels like every thing he says is gold.

They’ll never expect ANOTHER jet sweep

CBS: Shows UA President's Mansion

Me: Hey! I've puked in that front yard!

My Wife: Unimpressed

As an LSU fan.

SOME OHIO STATE

Who would have thought Iowa fans would be waving at Ohio State's bench after the game

I CANT ESCAPE THIS FUCKING HELL

Barrett puts on headset

"You fucked up"

"Yes coach"

Headset off

Clemson: we beat OSU by 31! Unprecedented!

Iowa: hold my corn

Kirk is challenging the spot up 4 scores...

KIRK

FERENTZ

IS

CHALLENGING

THE

SPOT

UP

4

SCORES

All these Ohio State fans already crying like this game is already over. We have a half of football and an explosive offense, if last week didn't show you we're never out of it, nothing will.

EDIT: Commence the crying.

https://cdn1.vox-cdn.com/assets/1301787/tate-windmill__1_.gif

Hi, I’m Week 9 JT Barrett and I’m the second coming of Jesus.

Hi, I’m Week 10 JT Barrett and wait which color is my team wearing again??

http://i.imgur.com/X0vfSN0.gif

The state of Iowa does not give a flying F U C K about your team's season this year.

Throwing into double coverage. My NCAA Football 14 specialty.

Jim Tressel is furiously masterbating to the thought of a punting Qb.

Someone upload this to CornHub

Anybody else in Iowa City tonight be safe. This town will be the drunkest it's been since last weekend.

https://twitter.com/edsbs/status/926947251737546752

I'd like to congratulate Iowa on being the first team this season to beat the spread by 50 points in a game.

apology for poor english

when were you when a ohio state dies?

i was sat home waiting for butch jones to be fire

‘butch still here’

‘fuck’

Welcome to the party B1G. We got avocado toast and craft beers over on the table.

https://i.imgur.com/lMXmtc5.jpg

Easily the worst performance in JT’s 8 year career at Ohio State

OHIO STATE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED ABOLISHED EVISCERATED ANNIHILATED EXPUNGED ERADICATED EXTERMINATED FROM PLAYOFF CONSIDERATION

Iowa beat the Buckeyes so bad, they are now called AN Ohio State University

We call him Rural Meyer now

WORST LOSS TO A CONFERENCE OPPONENT SINCE THE TURN OF THE CENTURY. ONLY ONE CLOSE WAS IN 2004 WHEN IOWA BEAT UP OHIO STATE 33-7

cue ferentz contract extension through the inevitable heat death of the universe

Urban walks into postgame press conference and leans somberly into the microphone.

“I choose to live my life as a gay man.”