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NSFW It’s Meltdown Time! Week 4

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The Brice is back in town, we’re very sorry.

NCAA Football: Texas Christian at Oklahoma State Rob Ferguson-USA TODAY Sports

Hey friends, it’s me your pal from last season! Sorry it took till week 4 to get back here, but I was busy doing things, and also stuff. You don’t care why because it doesn’t matter, all that matters is I’m back! Breathing in once again the fumes of the collapsing mental health of college football fans around the country is something I’ve missed very much, I’m so glad to be back.

Gotta give a shoutout to Erik, Brent, and CB for keeping the meltdown magic rolling while I was gone, y’all are wonderful. ANYWHO let’s get to the real reason for the season: pain.

Getting us started is the perennial trash heap of an SEC East matchup that is Kentucky vs. Florida. Coming into the matchup Florida had beaten Kentucky 30 years in a row, not sure if you saw that but now you have. Would Kentucky show them who’s boss and end the streak there? No. It’s Kentucky.

Next up on the pain train railway is Oklahoma State who hosted TCU in Stillwater where the frogs won a game that was ribbeting from start to finish! You don’t like the puns? Take some time like Gundy and mullet over, you’ll come around eventually {editor’s note, this writer has been thoroughly flogged for these puns, we are very sorry you had to see them}.

The now 0-2 Florida State Seminoles are 0-2. They lost to North Carolina State this weekend. They have not won a game because they are 0-2, just though y’all should be made aware. Wrapping up our sadness stream is the always sad Arkansas Razorbacks! They yet again lost a ridiculously bad overtime game to Texas A&M in Arlington, as is tradition.

The language below is highly offensive to those who don’t like bad words so if you’re one of those people have a hardened friend read it for you then summarize its contents in appropriate language. All spelling and grammatical errors are totally not my fault.

Enjoy!

Kentucky:

We just lost to the same team for the 31st year in a row because we gave up 14 free fucking points off not guarding a fucking receiver. We were the better team tonight and lost. What a fucking joke

Edit: For all you dumb fucks furiously messaging me telling me "if you were the better team you would've won"... suck my blue balled cock

I seriously hope the CTE stuff results in the death of football. Then I can finally be happy.

Every Kentucky fan entering the 4th quarter knew exactly what was gonna happen. We were up 13 and we all fucking knew. The life of a Kentucky fan. if we have a lead of any sort we stoop trying to score. It happens every game.

Florida is just gonna drunkenly stumble their way to the SEC East title again, aren't they?

I don't know who the SEC Network has as their stats guy, but he's incredible. Found this crazy stat after that last commercial break that Florida has beaten Kentucky 30 straight times.

I think I just found out my girlfriend is cheating on me and this game is still the worst thing to happen tonight

I’m 31. I’m ready for this.

I'd rather watch Young Sheldon at this point.

It's like I'm watching the last 30 years on replay.

"You can pull off wins you in no way deserve against division rivals and keep winning the East every year. But in exchange, you'll never have a good quarterback again."

Satan to UF, circa 2015

THEY CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT

NO BODY BEATS KENTUCKY 32 YEARS IN A ROW

I guess the Chaos gods were satisfied with the Oklahoma St. and Florida St. sacrifices.

End me

Florida is the new Tennessee.

Jim McElwain looks like a cruel hardware store boss in a '50s period piece Coen Brothers film.

Kentucky had ten men on the field coming out of a timeout

If Jim McElwain was in an Escape Room, he’d never get any of the clues. But with 3 seconds left the door would inexplicably fall off its hinges and he’d just walk out.

Oklahoma State

Don't let this game distract you from the fact that OKC got Melo today.

Time to cut the mullet, coach.

Really glad we missed the call and heard about the new $15.99 combo at Outback

Refs: we are reporting that a ball hit the camera wire.

Fans: so you actually saw it hit the wire?

Refs: no, no. we are just reporting it.

How much land is at stake?

I used to hate the other reindeer for making fun of Rudolph but today I have become one of them.

Well I am getting drunk tonight

Now we have to go Lubbock after this ass-whooping and probably die from raider rash while suffocating under a pile of tortillas, just like the old gypsy woman said.

I blame Pitt for getting my hopes up. Fuck you Pitt.

Baker said he’s Baylor’s daddy but tbh we know he’s our daddy, and this daddy gives a lot of spankings when he’s drunk.

If you don't like bullshit officials, YOU DON'T LIKE BIG XII FOOTBALL

Everyone's like "Damn beating OSU looks easy, you've just gotta have an amazing secondary covering 4 great receivers. That's doable."

Still trying to figure out how TCU has the ball.

Fucking waste of an interception.

Someone get Gary Patterson his gray shirt back, he’s too dangerous without it.

Motion to disqualify TCU from the Big 12 because they brought a defense and the rules clearly outline that’s a violation.

The toads are horny and they’re comin for me.

Looks like we’re the ones who croaked.

Joke’s on you I don’t even like sports.

Why do I get my hopes up every year it’s always the same damn thing. It’s pointless to get our hopes up because what even happens if we did by some miracle beat OU even once and make it to the playoff, we’d just get buttrammed by Alabama or Clemson and end up more pissed off than when we were just getting trashed by Big 12 teams. I fucking hate this garbage sport.

FSU

FUN FACT: Despite outward appearances, Florida State QB James Blackman is not made entirely out of a half dozen pipe cleaners.

TFW you’re racing home to not miss the game, pass a line of cars with their hazard lights on, and realize you just zoomed past and cut in front of a funeral procession

"He's a one man wolfpack"

So... a wolf?

I'm not 100% on the rules here, but since FSU has only played two games this season I'm pretty sure they can stop playing and just consider this their redshirt season.

Ohh shit we Gator football now

Before the season started, if you told me through 4 weeks Florida State would be winless I'd tell you you were insane

"look at me, I'm the quarterback now"

Former pro auctioneer Jimbo Fisher speaks about the half... "Wedidgreathemovedtgeballdownthefield2minpossession3pointsncstatesuckswegonnatearitupsecondhalfdrinkmoreovaltine..."

HE JUST HOCKED A LOOGI ON THE SEMINOLE

Alabama had 269 total yards of offense vs FSU, NC State had 197 at halftime.

FSU really lost at home, to an unranked team - after 21 days of rest and prep time since their last game. Shit's wild.

https://i.imgflip.com/1wegxa.jpg

Time to get drunk

Kansas has more wins than us. Time to hang it up.

Are we worse than Florida? What world are we living in?

I'm in mid season shitposting form and offering my nickname for

Blackman - SLENDER MAN

AGUAYO MADE THE EXTRA POINT GET HYPE

Totally unfair for FSU to open the season with two playoff teams.

Gotta face the truth, we're an overhyped program that's no where near elite. 3rd subpar season in a row.

This team is most definitely going to lose to Boston College.

Florida State? More like Florida’s taint :(

Arkansas

Lets make this game interesting.

Loser has to keep their coach at the end of the year.

I've got coffee with bourbon in it and a tumbler full of bleach on the rocks for the second half.

"Special teams will be a huge part of this game."

...just fuck my shit up fam.

I heard Sumlin's a game time decision. If he's out the Aggies may have a chance.

How did ESPN know I wanted to know what Austin Allen was doing for the 3 seconds after he threw that pass???

"We should make an injury tent so that players can be worked on in privacy and don't have to be stared at by tens of thousands of people while they are having a very difficult moment and are in a lot of physical and emotional pain"

ESPN: "Zoom in on the tiny tent window!!!"

fire everyone. Fire the coaches. Fire the refs. Fire the announcers. Fire the yell leaders Just scorch earth the whole thing. What a shitshow.

What’s most unbelievable is how these two teams play the exact same football game every year and my dumbass is still surprised when we lose.

Is this even football anymore?

Swear to god I’m gonna sell all my organs on the black market so I can afford Bielema’s buyout. WHO WILL JOIN ME?!

Rosens are red

UCLA is blue

Arkansas choked

Just like TAMU

The amount of money I paid to be here is worth every penny because if Arkansas football doesn’t remind me I’m garbage and don’t deserve happiness who will?

We dressed up like Ohio State today because we too wanted to get our hearts ripped out and stomped on by a Big 12 team.

Is it too late for us to join the Big Ten?

I’d rather watch Tusk mate than another second of Arkansas football.

Bret Bielema has been eliminated from coaching contention.

I want off of this rollercoaster pls. No more OT with A&M pls. This is the worst Aggie tradition of all time

Oh man. I was worried we were going to have to keep our coach there for a second.

What an absolute fucking trainwreck of a football game.

Every damn year I buy tickets to this stupid game thinking “oh yes! My Razorbacks are playing where I live, this will be fun and totally not soul-crushing agony this year!” But every damn year after spending a fuckton of cash drowning my existence in Jerry’s palace’s obscene drink prices to forget how stupid I am to keep having faith in this dumbass team. Fuck Kevin Sumlin, fuck Bret Bielema, and fuck Jerry Jones for nearly bankrupting me every year I waste my vacation money on an in person reminder of how shitty my decisions are. The only comfort I feel is knowing Jerry Jones is as miserable and dumb as me because we both still cheer for this dumbass brain damaged fuckup group of fuckboys that call themself a football team.