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NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Lone Shart State edition

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It was a bad weekend for the standard bearers.

2017 Liberty QB, 70s sex symbol, and American hero -- Buckshot Calvert.

This week, we’re doing two editions. The first is one dedicated to the state of Texas, the second, the rest of the nation, will be along tomorrow (we had a lot of ground to cover already!).

As usual, the language is deplorable, detestable, vile, homophobic, occasionally rayciss, unfit for decent company, scatological, coprophilic, and, in the case of some Baylor fans, they actually went there. What we’re saying is, the language is unsafe for any work environment outside of a Thai brothel or your local law firm.

TL; DR: Very NSFW, maybe more than usual, because the State of Texas.

BAYLOR 45 LIBERTY 48

Welcome back to the Kevin Steele era

Is this the Rains of Castamere?

Matt Rhule era begins! I am actually crying

So this is what it feels like up your ass?

No good new players will want to come on board. Baylor worked so hard for so long to achieve the success they had. I will always suspect that there is more to the story than we are being told and that higher ups and politics in college football were bound and determined that a small private Christian school was not going to become a champion.

I guess a garbage coach is what we deserve. What goes around comes around.

All is not lost....I still think Baylor can beat Waco High...and Texas

lol we should've took the death penalty

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Shitting. Me.

Is?...is that?....is that really Liberty's QB? like... in real life? The guy who just threw for 447 yards and 3 touchdowns, yeah that's him

Who would play for this team if you couldn’t rape?

Remember a couple years ago when we laughed at scheduling Lamar and Liberty, then complained that we weren't top 4? GOOD TIMES

Your not a winner, your not a loser, your a chooser

Glad I have season tix!

I'd say try not to rape anyone at the victory party but...

TEXAS A&M 44 UCLA 45

Nothing I can say about this debacle will summarize the pathos and soul-sickness that our friends at Good Bull Hunting describe:

By the end it was just a collection of lost players shuffling around, bumping into each other harmlessly like something weightless borne aloft in a great vacuum.

Five touchdowns. Unanswered, unabated, with minimal resistance. 35 points to a team that was dead, buried, and having the headstone carved in the first half, when that one last spadeful of dirt left off by an overconfident executor proved to be the fatal flaw in this plan. Five touchdowns, furlongs of yardage allowed, mass confusion on the sideline and in the huddle, and one glaring absence: the ability, toughness, and will to finish out a game.

A member of the A&M Board of Regents very publicly called for Sumlin’s firing (humiliatingly enough).on Facebook.

How bad? Texas A&M had 271 yards and 5 TDs on the ground in the first half. In the second half, up 34 points, the Ags went to the air and only had another 13 rushes, including none on its final drive while clinging to a 6-point lead. Even worse than the offensive collapse was John Chavis stealing another paycheck, completely leaving the TE open all game. And, even worse than that, the game winner may not have even been a catch...and it wasn’t reviewed either. LOL.

The reaction from Aggieland was more stunned awe at the assery they just witnessed than full-on meltdown: This is an all-too familiar scene in College Station.

It takes a special kind of stupid to lose that game.

Alabama broke Sumlin for good.

never go full Briles. Not even once.

He should give like 75% of his contract extension to Manziel. Johnny could probably use the money anywah

Paging our contract lawyers: Does blowing a five touchdown lead qualify as a "for cause" event? Asking for a friend.

Anything related to passing We suck at. We’re freaking LSU now, without the secondary

In lieu of coaching the second half Sumlin decided to design another set of alternate uniforms

Our coaches are sadistic motherfuckers.

Sumlin threw the game away, not because he wanted to, but because he had to. What’s the only way to stop the Aggies late season collapse and choke? You do it all in the first game. He’s actually playing 5D chess right now

Is it baseball season yet?

I heard he makes squeaky mouse noises when he cums.

The SEC: It just means more. Maybe that’s not such a good thing right now.

No adjustment on defense. Chablis, do you job !!!

Can we find a conference where the games are only one half?

See, it is only the 2nd biggest comeback in ncaa history

Franchione would have out coached Sumlin tonight.

So... yeah... welp. Um… I have… nothing. Nothing… at all…

Hoooooolllllllyyyyyy sh*t Just take the knee jackass. Its already over

Look on the bright side, North Korea has a bunch of bombs so none of this matters

Second biggest comeback in history and we can't even make #1 in that category...biggest is 35 but we tried our best with 34.

Sumlin to Falcons “28-3? Shit, hold my beer.”

A(tlanta Falcons)&M

Bring on a team Sumlin's speed ... watch out Nicholls State!!!

Pretty simple. Run the ball, stop the hurry up and passing, game over. Where’s my $5 million dollars?

Sumlin: if you get fired now you get more time to get yelled at by Saban

It took more skill to LOSE that game than it did skill to win others

Atlanta Falcons fan here and I want nothing to do with that shit.

TEXAS 41 MARYLAND 51

We stay Deep in tha’ Hearta’ for an oversized serving of angst from blog-favorite, the Texas Longhorns. Tom Herman was brought in to much fanfare and has added layers of swag and superficial trappings to the program. But the result was a familiar one: Elementary coaching errors and getting bullied at the line of scrimmage doomed the ‘Horns, this time against Big Ten also-ran Maryland.

Darrel Royal woulda punched Herman, Beck and Orlando in the face for that butt show. another lemon cast of fraudsters running a herd of individuals who cant become a team. more locker room, graphic artists, twittering, and hydration please. that performance aint gonna cut it in this league. gets ugly after san jose. tick tock.

Good to see our identity now is leave it all on the field for a quarter

Just punt. All you had to do was punt. You fucking cunt.

even with a 18 yr old freshman we cant capitilze ive got 2 tickets for the usc game is anyone wants to buy them. value for i paid for them. im not going to that shit show

We're gonna lose to a basketball school. A fucking BASKETBALL SCHOOL!

what the fucking fuck is this greg davis shit?! Damn we suck. 2 yrds and we go empty set?

Don't go wildcat herman, that worked too well! Fucking mensa assbag faget

Herman's a god damned fraud. Strong could recruit. So can Herman. Don't make a shit if your football team looks like dog shit. We're now losing to a backup quarterback because Orlando can't figure out how to stop a fucking nose bleed. We're getting pushed around by MARYLAND.

And we're back to sucking in every way possible again. It was a nice 12 minutes of competence, though.

can't even catch a fucking kickoff goddamnit what the fuck has herman been doing

This season is going to send me to the hepatologist.

what the ever living fuck is going on? did they not practice at all this fucking summer?

Anyone got that Jonestown Koolaid?

I've come to accept that my liver will not sustain me to retirement.

This team has zero idea of how to capitalize on opportunity or seize momentum. Incredibly frustrating! Me however...I'm going to seize this opportunity to become an alcoholic.

Some sideline reporter was saying Herman said at halftime something like the first half was craziest half of football he'd been a part of. Herman, that's not crazy, that's Texas football for the last 3+ years. Shit play, penalties, unpreparedness, new records set against us, etc. Now you're getting your shit pushed in by MARYLAND at home in the opener. You've probably been thinking you're hot shit since 2014. You better wise up and take this shit seriously before the Big 12 runs a train on you.

The hold by Connor Williams was necessary. Buechele was about to be fertilizer.

This OL is disgusting trash.

Can we decline the penalty to end our suffering?

Lol, what a bunch of pussies. I felt sorry for this team with Charlie. Herman is hate-able

I wish i was there to throw stuff

I have two children who have never seen a good Texas team.

How do we get out of the OU game? I dont have it in me.

Props to Maryland. They took care of business on the road after a losing season. Texas, on the other hand, passed out koolaid and renovated the locker room.

Hell, strong whooped the shit out of north Texas in his first game. Herman barely had a pulse against Maryland. If Hilton Hill hadn't been there we lose by 20+ points. Fuck this. Fuck all of it.

Your team quit Herman. Fuck you bitch

Can't wait to watch LHN this week to hear what Herman has to say about this fucking shitshow that even shit would be embarrassed by.

This D if a freaking joke. Jefferson may be the most hyped disaster in the history history f Texas. And Williams is a joke of a lineman. He couldn't block my grandmother.

Well, gonna be a long 4 years until we get the next next guy. Fuck this shit. I'm so sick of this trash. I've reached a new level of apathy.

Can Maryland even score 51 points in basketball?

At least it's not a conference game? *drinks more fucking whiskey*

Need to move that heart sticker to Austin for a different disaster.

You say it like youre joking but id do some pretty disgusting things to get yellow teeth and sideways offense back. At least they werent full retard.

If you aren't calling for a rope then you are a fucking loon.

I want to murder whoever makes Buechele clap 3 times for the snap.

Maybe if we get clown uniforms we will win? Its not like anyone will watch our games to see them....

We're everybody's homecoming game

We were probably looking ahead to San Jose State.

so, everyone finally agree its not the coaches but the pussies who suit up every week? saban couldnt win with this bunch of cumdrunks.

We have sucked cock since 2010 hit the calendar. That is a lot of cock

We have a bunch of all talk hype players that turn into 2nd grade pussies when they get punched in the mouth.

The only things that are real and tangible are the funky sent left in every crevice of the locker room, even post-rehab, by Old Freak Nasty Cleve Bryant and a string of noodle-armed shitheads approaching kindergarten courtesy of Major Applewhite plowing every homely coed in the Austin metro area about 5 years ago.

Shoving an overripe banana into a straw describes most of my college sex life

The reality is that Texas has a lot of good athletes who aren’t very good football players.

You missed all the videos that the team put out showing the players dancing. Look at all that dancing! You wouldn’t be dancing throughout practice like that if you sucked shit and were going to find a way to lose all phases of the game to a shitty Big 10 team that lost their starting QB and best defensive player.

F*ck espn and LHN. F*ck that locker room, too. Build a mother f-ing dynasty again before trotting that shit out. F*ck 6 years + 1 game of bad to mediocre UT football. F*ck your dumb take on my dumb take.

Scipio, I feel like you're not giving the team enough credit for having more penalty yards than total rushing yards. Our negative yardage stats were outstanding.

I enjoyed the part where the coach said he didn’t have any "magic fairy dust" and said he was surprised by the other teams qb throwing the ball better than expected. I guess that’s what a near 7 million dollar buy out gets you.

We already have a big, soft handed coach. Didn't you see all those hugs and kisses in the tunnel pre-game? He is going to love them to victory.

We came here to kick some ass and chew some gum. And we're all out of ass.

Guys, guys, guys I know it’s hard and it hurts, but remember this important detail: At least you’re not Baylor.

Yup: We’re Kansas

This staff went from 0 to 60 and back to zero about as fast as any in Texas football history. Lane Kiffin would be proud, hell, a double fist pump.

This was our son’s first live Longhorn Football game. I was hoping it would be memorable, but not like this. He stopped paying attention at 30-14. Hopefully he doesn’t remember because he only five years old.

--

Ed. Note:

No, sports can’t make it all better, but when the state needed a distraction, it instead got: A Baylor loss to an FCS team, the second-largest collapse in college football history, and the hyped-Longhorns outplayed, outcoached, outhit and outhustled in every phase of the game by a second-rate Big 10 program.

Even as we laugh at their sports misery, think about giving the hundreds of thousands of affected folks a helping hand.

Poll

Who "won" the meltdown?

This poll is closed

  • 22%
    Aggie
    (1051 votes)
  • 8%
    Baylor
    (383 votes)
  • 69%
    Texas
    (3253 votes)
4687 votes total Vote Now