NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Blood Week is here.

One week a year, we are gifted with 12 times the recommended serving size of CFB chaos and we’re lucky if our team comes out mostly unmaimed. The sky opens up and what’s this? It’s not rain falling down, this is red and syrupy.

Welcome to BLOOD WEEK!

Boy howdy was this a good blood week filled with seven top 25 upsets, four of which were in the top 10. Not to be greedy, but this was almost even better. Two other top 10 teams were within one score of losing to unranked opponents. But we still have such a bountiful crop of chaos and envy-green is a bad color on most everyone.

Let’s start with the most beautiful bulldog to take a dump on the living room carpet in front of company: Georgia! UGA went into Baton Rouge and got absolutely Molly-whopped by LSU. The tigers beat those dogs by 20 points and it looked every bit as convincing as the final score suggests.

More sad dogs this week included the normally very good Huskies from Washington. Those Huskies went into Oregon and hung close with those big ol’ Ducks and forced the game to OT. Washington made it to the three yard line on their first overtime play but settled for a field goal and then let the Ducks drop a touchdown to break those poor pup’s hearts.

Auburn must really love this column because they keep forcing themselves into it week after week. The Tigers outgained Tennessee by over 50 yards, including allowing less than 70 yards on the ground to the Volunteers with a good dog. Tennessee still beat Auburn by 6 for their first SEC win of the year. Oh and did I mention Auburn did this all at home?

A busy blood week continues with an angry Mark Richt team crapping the bed against a horrid Virginia team. Twice they had the opportunity to get the ball back in the final minutes but two incredibly stupid penalties finished out the loss. Penn State dropped the ball against an incredibly Michigan State team who won 21-17 while not even looking good. The Big 10 is a dumpster fire.

Finally, we end with the bloodiest game of blood week: West Virginia traveled to Ames at night in October. As the kids say: that’s 3 spooky 5 me because its more than 2 spooky 4 me. Iowa State rained down hellfire upon the Mountaineers and basically killed Will Grier’s Heisman hopes and the Big 12’s hopes for an undefeated champion all in one night.

Be forewarned: the language below is quite spooky and super duper profane. You have been warned so proceed through the haunted house at your own risk.

MORE LIKE KIRBY DUMB

It’s 2018 for fuck sakes. Put an rfid chip in the football or gives us the camera angle from the left pylon.

Is the SEC good?

Is the SEC bad?

Who knows!

Looks like LSU turned off the power to Georgia’s offense as well as their hotel rooms

THEY LET THE BAND PLAY NECK

Roses are red

Georgia shit the deck

LSU won

ALEXA PLAY NECK

Georgia died so Tennessee could live

Classic Mark Richt coaching performance.

Lsu beat Richt twice this yearLsu beat Richt twice this year

SEC Power Rankings

Alabama

2-14. Lol like it matters its Bama’s world and we’re all living in it.

Florida gonna fuck around and end up in the SEC championship game aren’t they?

I don’t want to play real teams anymore.

Oh look a hyped Georgia team shit the bed

QB controversy’s back on the menu boys!

Tomorrow’s AP Rankings

LSU: 7

Georgia: 5

”But we beat Georgia”

”Yeah but Georgia lost to LSU, who beat Georgia, so it’s a good loss”

No matter what happens here today, Auburn lost to Tennessee

We deserve to eat that tiger dick, bitch :(

Did anyone else think Gary Danielson was an even bigger insufferable dickhead than usual today?

4-4 on 4th down. Each one hurt my soul.

Gary Danielson slides onto the screen

Millions of people across the US groan

Remember when everyone thought our offense was vanilla through the first six games because we were saving the good stuff for LSU?

Hahahahahahahahaha! Kill me...

Georgia don’t score be down 13-0 by halftime then put the backup in. Works every time trust me.

UF—UGA just got spicy bois :(

”The FBI should work with Georgia to help them find their offense.”

Elijah Holyfield out here punching dudes in the mouth like his dad

That ref just picked a random fucking spot

I have a confession...I had some seafood gumbo for dinner last night.

I should have known this sin would not go unpunished.

I honestly don’t understand how you run the ball down their damn throats and then TOTALLY ABANDON IT FOR THE REST OF THE HALF

That was worse than Auburn last year

I’ve played 9 year olds on NCAA 14 who can call better offensive plays than Jim Chaney.

So, when does Justin Fields get to throw the ball?

We should have worn black today. Then we would have at least looked cool while getting our asses kicked.

SAD COLD DOGS

To those from other conferences, this is 100%, unironically the best officiating crew the Pac-12 has to offer

that sequence epitomized Pac 12 refs

Left the mic on for the conversation, in which everyone seemed confused

Turned the mic off when they were actually announcing the play

Called the penalty but didn’t mention the fumble

Went to review the fumble but took about 10 minutes to do it

At least they got the call right?

Pac-12 after brunch is still wild as hell

We still fucking had it in the end. But petersen settled for a 37 yd field goal despite knowing OUR KICKER IS SHAKY. You think he would’ve learned his lesson by now but these fucking coaches are stubborn. And then the shitty wildcat in OT. Why the fuck does this coaching staff love it so much? Fuck man playoff hopes are toast.

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The Duck has been rage tweeting Harry the Husky for almost 24 hours.

I don’t want to hear anyone saying they have worse refs than Pac 12 refs. We easily have the worst refs

UW Game Plan

Kill running backs

Add more later

https://i.imgur.com/mf9Kq7h.jpg

Never underestimate the power of the double ice

God fucking damn it I HATE losing to fucking Oregon.

Auburn lost, Washington lost and I just got pooped on by a seagull. Worst day ever

Next weeks polls:

Georgia drops 1 spot

UW drops to #23

”Nobody likes you” - Random Oregon fan yelling at the ref

They came back from a commercial just to show a PAT, and went strait back to a commercial. Holy cocksucking christ

Washington deserved to lose for not declining that holding penalty in overtime

WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THE TOP 10 NOW!?!?

Icing our own kicker, go Dawgs

Pac 12 right now

AUBURN LOST TO TENNESSEE AT HOME

Choose your own adventure:

A) Auburn finally clicks for some strange reason and puts up 40+

B) Gus tries something cheeky- leads to disaster. Loses by two+ TDs

C) 3-2

D) Mute the game and drink in silence

From top 5 team with playoff aspirations with an impressive out of conference victory over Washington and an FCS drubbing to absolutely molten hot seat in less than a month: just Gus things.

Wow, I can’t believe football season is over already. Seems like the kickoff game was just yesterday. Well, see y’all next fall!

https://twitter.com/FunnyMaine/status/1051573733717135360

Fun Fact of the Day: Gus Malzan’s buyout is $32 Million

Even more fun Fact: Gus’s Buyout is bigger than Jeremy Pruitt’s entire contract (before incentives) - $32mm v. $22.8mm)

http://hasgusmalzahnbeenfiredyet.com/

Gus Malzahn frantically googling countries that have no extradition treaty with the US

https://i.redd.it/7dqbjfw6q5r11.jpg

FUN FACT: This is the first time Tennessee has beaten Auburn since people were worried about the Y2K bug.

Spencer brings up a good point

Tennessee with the ball:

1st down: run for no gain

2nd: Short pass no gain

3rd: torch the fuck out of our pathetic secondary

https://twitter.com/WarBlogle/status/1051247746798227456

I guess only Alabama and Florida beat Tennessee 12 times in a row.

Dear Gus “Offensive Guru” Malzahn.

Pls stay at auburn 4ver.

Signed,

Nick Saban.

Not to speak anything into being, but if Gus managed to lose this one, it would make a $30 million buyout seem reasonable to A LOT of people.

Time to hibernate until next season.

Wake me up if Gus is fired.

https://imgur.com/a/OVJhh6q

Wife: I’m going to the liquor store. Anyone want anything?

Me: Yeah I’ll take a .45 bullet to the fucking face

No quarterback development. No DB development. A coach that refuses to change players at struggling positions. Just weak. It’s so predictable too.

I do not have a truck to like driving in, but Auburn sucks.

Is Auburn the best 3 loss team in the country?

https://twitter.com/edsbs/status/1051520225076744195

At least Tennessee has a more recent win over us than Alabama, for another month or so :(((

I’m gonna have to side with the Bama fans on this one. Fuck Auburn

MARK RICHT LOST CONTROL OF TWO PROGRAMS AT ONCE

conspiracy theory: ESPN pushed for the targeting rule so they could get more reviews for more commercials

Slaps roof of ACC headquarters

This bad boy can fit so many mediocre teams in it!

Miami losing because of the dumbshittest personal foul is the most Miami way to lose.

My favorite part about Kelly Vision is it’s like almost exactly the same camera angle

Hi, I’m Miami’s defense, and I’m pretty freaking good.

Hi I’m Miami’s offense, and crayons are my favorite snack.

Virginia finally beats a 16!

Richt deserves every bit of criticism he’s about to get after that game. I understood pulling Perry for a drive or two but leaving Rosier in was fucking infuriating.

Mark Richt has lost control of my will to live.

Miami was favored in every game this year. The only team who could beat us was us.

And we’ve beaten ourselves twice in 7 games. Cool.

Canes have the #1 defense in America. And lost to Virginia.

Cool cool.

This is gonna be an ACC Circle of Suck year, isn’t it?

Alexa play the sound of silence.

Should we talk about the ref who 100% percent has a concussion, and how it’s going to affect the game? Because the ref crew definitely fucking isn’t

what item does uva have that gains them ridiculous bonuses against miami? I’m guessing it’s Turnover sperrys

Funny thing is this isn’t even the biggest upset of the past 5 minutes.

ACC is Clemson and friends this season

https://streamable.com/5yjsz

Of course Miami lost. The defense didn’t score 3 touchdowns for the offense.

Coker, Shannon, Golden, Whatever. This is as bad a game as I’ve ever seen us play.

FFS richt, such a dumb move pulling NKosi. now can we please get a real OC and QB coach who isn’t the unproven son of the headcoach.

He fucking pulled up and the receiver fell into him. This crew is fucking stupid.

No reason for Jackson to be ejected there.

Targeting BS on Saturdays, roughing the passer on Sundays. Footballs so frustrating now

Miami should be bumped down to tropical storm tbh

Ref’s logic: if the receiver dives headfirst into a wall, let’s eject the wall for targeting.

NOTTANY LIONS TBH

What the fuck even is the Big Ten this year? I have no idea how good any of the teams actually are or how they stack up at this point.

If you thought Penn State wouldn’t lose to Michigan State two years in a row then you are Sorely McStaken.

slaps roof of MSU car

You can fit so much fucking unexplainable football in this bad boy

POSTGAME RECAP:

Quarter 1: i hated it

Quarter 2: i hated it

Quarter 3: i hated it

Quarter 4: i hated it

Perfect game!

And the BIG Power Rankings look like this:

1) Ohio State

2-13) Clusterfuck

14) Rutgers

tHe GaMe HaS pAsSeD bY dAnToNiO

After watching this game for 3 hours, I now fully understand why people eat tide pods.

There’s the patented James Franklin snatching defeat from the jaws of victory move that we all know and tolerate

You can’t spell Happy Valley without two consecutive Ls. or pp

I hope there was one raindrop in the area so we can blame this on MSU rain magic

Michigan State and winning games they have no business winning. Name a more iconic duo.

☑ Lose to Ohio State by 1

☑ Play like trash and lose to Michigan State by 3

☐ Win the Fiesta Bowl

Don’t worry guys everything is going according to plan...... FML

Ohio State beat Penn State by 1.

Michigan State beat Penn State by 4.

Michigan State > Ohio State confirmed.

hey guys i have a fun drawing both PSU and MSU fans can agree on

I can’t tell what will take more years off my life: Penn State Football and the fact that they’re garbage or the fact that I’ve been drunk since 7 this morning pretending that Penn State is not garbage

When Penn state has the lead going into the 2nd half, you can almost guarantee a conservative offense in the 3rd and 4th putting all the pressure on the defense. It’s like a bad joke every week.

Is Michigan State good or bad? The answer is always yes.

When you realize the chainsmokers were the only ones to pick MSU and were right....

WE ARE fucking trash

Penn State had 525600 chances to win this game AND YET WE NEVER DID.

Hi, I’m first half Penn State and I have DirecTV.”

“And I’m second half Penn State and I eat raw eggs with the shell after they’ve been fertilized.”

NOT THE BEST, VIRGINIA

Never play in Iowa as a ranked team. Period.

The Legend of Aimes was true all along.

Ames at night 2spooky5me

Whoever posted about WVU never trailing. This is all your fault.

Chaos is a helluva drug

https://twitter.com/smokingmusket/status/1051322207593529344

How to lose a Heisman in 60 minutes

Who would win? The 6th ranked Mountaineers led by a Heisman candidate quarterback, or a so proud group of October swirly bois

And thus the Big 12 completes its annual cannibalization ritual.

https://twitter.com/CFBONFOX/status/1051279156187557889

Iowa State and October. Name a spookier duo

mOnTgOmErY iS tHe MoSt OvErHyPeD rB iN bIg 12 HiStOrY

Iowa State back up quarterbacks are dark magic

https://imgur.com/a/9XGGP21

I’m not sure if I’m ready for a top 5 Texas.

And here we are, with Texas looking down upon the big 12 as we all expected after week 1

West Virginia had 152 yards. Don’t fuck with Iowa State in Ames at night.

Local West Virginian man attempts to shoot Cyclone

I thought it couldn’t be any more painful, but then they started playing Sweet Caroline, which is also fucking Pitt’s song. Dammit.

Well played, corn chaos bois.

The most frustrating thing about this is how atrocious we played.

The second most frustrating thing about this is the reminder about the playoffs. Not because I expected WVU to make it, but because of our conference. I love Big 12 play due to it being competitive almost completely across the board. I never look at any game of conference play and think it’s a guaranteed win.

It’s a shame that because we have a conference where anyone can beat anyone, we all fuck each other out of a chance in the playoffs. Meanwhile, Alabama has one risky game this year. Just the way the cookie crumbles, I guess.

Well at least there is still alcohol

ANOTHER FALLS TO THE CORN GOD’S HARVEST, MR. CAMPBELL IS MR. BROCKTOBER

Matt Campbell has more wins over Top 6 teams than Jim Harbaugh does.

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn and caldron bubble.

Fillet of Golden Bear steak,

In the caldron boil and bake;

Eye of a Tiger and its toe too,

A Mountaineer’s cap and their homemade brew,

A Hurricane’s wind, its mighty gusts,

A Lion’s mane, its azure tufts.

For a charm of powerful trouble,

Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn and caldron bubble.

Cool it with a the blood of Bulldogs,

We summon forth the Chaos Gods!