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NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Week 8

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Contains more than the daily recommended amount of salt.

NCAA Football: Alabama at Tennessee Randy Sartin-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome back to the greatest and only collection of angry online football fans on this here internet! After a filling blood week the CFB gods of chaos reigned down a juicy bounty as a dessert for last week’s enormous entree.

Every week I have to check and make sure that I’m writing the correct week at the top of this article, and it always feels like the season goes by too quickly. It’s week 8 and the season is so close to finished. Cherish these moments like Butch Jones cherishes Tennessee losses. Now let’s get to the fun.

Michigan and Michigan State faced off for a rivalry game that was all about civility and hurt feelings. Jim Harbaugh called Mark Dantonio “bush league” and Mark responded by saying Jim’s criticisms were “B.S.” He didn’t do a swear. UM played the Spartans during the two conditions in which you’re never supposed to play them: in the horrible rain, and while ranked top 10. With Michigan set up doomed to fail spectacularly they beat the tar out of Michigan State 21-7 proving that nobody actually knows anything.

Oregon entered the week coming off a big win over Washington and traveled to Washington State, where Pullman hosted College Gameday for the first time ever. Those Cougars blasted the Ducks to a 27-0 halftime lead. However, the Cougs nearly Couged it up as per usual, but instead learned the valuable life lesson of how to puke and rally. WSU won 34-20.

Tennessee hosted the Alabama Crimson Tide and it went about how you’d expect it. Bama scored 28 in the first quarter. Butch Jones got a Gatorade bath and smoked victory cigars. The Volunteers have lost 12 straight games to Alabama. That is all.

Ohio State accidentally pooped the bed on Saturday against Pudue. When they went to clean up the incident somehow they set the turd, and the bed, aflame. While chocking on the foul-smelling-fire the Buckeyes tried to quench the flames before they set the house one fire. Urban Meyer was unsuccessful in doing so and instead passed out in the flaming house and was burned and buried alive under the poop fire. Purdue beat OSU 49-20.

Words below are bad said by people with mouths of sailors and such. Y’all know the drill. Scroll downward if you don’t mind seeing a cuss.

DISRESPEKTED DANS

Hornibrook: No QB will do worse than me against Michigan this year!

Lewerke: lol hold my everclear

Michigan allowed more penalty yards than yards of offense.

We lost and it’s too wet out to burn couches...WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

https://i.imgur.com/4HT4U3S.jpg

I guess the respect memeing worked lmao

With all these unsportsmanlike penalties youd think Miami was playing Miami

Michigan State had zero 3rd or 4th down conversions. Fuck me

This game has proven to me that Warner has no idea what he’s doing once again. Lewerke can’t throw timing routes because all his wide receivers are injured and a banged up OL. What are two plays that can help with that, easy throws like a screen pass and designed QB runs. Warner didn’t call either of those and actually called harder timing routes instead. The average fan will think it was all Lewerke but the real fans know how lost us this game.

Fuck the couch, just drag me out into the street and light me fam

MSU’s offense seemed a bit Lewonky today.

If your qb can’t hit open receivers, you will lose.

If the defense doesn’t allow receivers to get open very often, you will lose.

Both things happened today. Michigan’s defense is legit, and Lewerke couldn’t take advantage of the few gaps there were because he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.

Sucks to say, but UM was the superior team in all facets of the game. Our defense came to play, but UM had the ball for 41 minutes. That’s just too much to handle.

Dantonio better get something figured out here. He’s the best coach we’ve had in five decades, but even he isn’t immune to criticism forever. Another losing season like he had in 2016 and people will start to wonder whether he’s lost his touch.

Ahmadinejad was right!

I would like to respectfully thank the very classy men in green for an excellent gentleman’s match of skill. I look forward to our rematch against these outstanding people a year from now in which I will respectfully root for my team again.

normal snap: punter punts it 30 yds

shitty snap in the rain: makes an insane catch, punts it 50 yards and it rolls another 10 we need a weather machine.

”There’s a squirrel down on the field right now. That squirrel has more rushing yards than Michigan State.”

--Jim Brandstatter

Nobody ever gonna respekt us again :(

TO MAKE THINGS WORSE MY WIFE THREW AWAY MY FUCKING LEFT OVER COOKIE

Well it’s official. MSU is on Lewelfare now.

FIRE DAVE WARNER

Brian “wanna bet I can throw this football over them mountains” Lewerke

Total embarrassment of a football game. Small rant to follow. We are NOT a “good” football team. We are a good defense. Our offense is missing key players? Doesn’t matter. You’re all 3 and 4 star recruits who have the opportunity to play B1G Ten football. Next man up mentality always applies. Stop being chippy if you can’t back it up. Being held to 94 yards is completely unacceptable.

Michigan - good game. Y’all got our number this year and took it to us. DPJ with a HUGE play, Shea showing he can go into a hostile environment and perform. Winovich and Gary are beasts. Higdon is lights out.

Lewerke - be better. Apparently you hurt your shoulder last week, didn’t practice this week, then made a game-time decision to play? That’s selfish, let Lombardi play. Use your legs more and stop making stupid passes.

LJ Scott - maybe don’t talk a big game and call your rivals “little sister” and then proceed to sit out until the rivalry game that your performance was irrelevant in.

Dave Warner - stop calling jet sweeps and running wildcat. It hasn’t worked the last few years and it will continue to not work until you’re fired.

Defense - thank you. Without you, we’d have lost by 4+ TD’s.

Felton Davis - wishing you all the best in your recovery man. You helped make our offense somewhat relevant and electric at times.

SAD QUACKERS

WSU is undefeated when they host gameday

Things you don’t want:

1) BAMA

2) Invading Russia in winter

3) Playing in Pullman when Gameday comes to town

Washington State- incredible drive ended by one bad mistake

Oregon- eats crayons

Pac-12 refs: There is no foul on the play, I just wanted to feel important.

Oregon seniors will graduate without a victory against WSU.

The PAC-12’s playoff hopes rest in Washington’s hands.

The PAC-12’s playoff hopes rest in Stanford’s hands.

The PAC-12’s playoff hopes rest in Oregon’s hands.

The PAC-12’s playoff hopes rest in Wazzu’s hands.

BEGONE LARRY THOTT

I AM DEUNK AND ANGRY

As soon as I saw the Gameday crowd, I knew Oregon was doomed

It me

I think some fat little girlfriends that are going to get laid tonight!!!!

That one pharmacy is gonna be shit out of Plan-B after this weekend

Refs heard that Wazzu likes flags and got confused

Pullman might not survive tonight

Fucking ooof, that’s what happens when you get your dicks knocked off 27-0 in the first half though

That run looks like one of those highlights you see on a high school players tape where most of it is just due to garbage tackling

https://i.imgur.com/HSR5j05.jpg

More like the Oregon cucks :/

Pac 12: yeah we would love a playoff team this year.

Chaos: hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Minshew just arranged a threesome with a wink and a nod.

Overheard in the Gameday Bus at 1PM:

“He got me,” Corso said of WSU’s hosting of Gameday. “That f***ing Cougar boomed me.”

Corso added, “He’s so good,” repeating it four times.

Corso then said he wanted to add WSU to the list of campuses he revisits next year.

Announcers talking about Gameday without being able to mention Gameday haha.

Ya’lls getback coach looks like he’s in Peaky Blinders

YOU GET A FLAG

YOU GET A FLAG

EVERYONE GETS A FLAG!

We got beat by this man fml

Can we not talk about the CFP for once? Neither of these motherfuckers are gonna make it in so just shut up about it

I’m too drunk to taste this chicken

The Stanford loss was a fluke. This was not.

I feel like Barney Stinson in that one episode where he tried to seduce Marshall’s teacher because I just got destroyed by a cougar.

BUTCH JONES REVENGE GAME:

Nick Saban smiled and gave a thumbs up at the end, the apocalypse is near

https://twitter.com/BGChrisOwens/status/1053786619961114625

Wow Tua had a QBR of 199 for this game, his heisman hopes are OVER

I dunno what’s worse: the streak hitting 12 (and now 6 at home) or Memes Jones getting a victory cigar

That score is almost as ugly as Gary Danielson’s day in the booth

Tua could do his fucking taxes behind this line

”This is not a vintage Alabama defense”

Next play is a literal murder

Butch Jones doing what he does best: beating Tennessee

Update: Buttholes unsafe. ABORT mission.

We’re all fucked.

I paid money to go to this game. God I’m a masochist.

Let’s not forget Auburn lost to tennessee.

Bama’s average margin of victory after an 8-0 start is 38.

That technically was a football game I watched.

We know 2 things about Gary. He’s a moron and he would suck tua off if he could.

NOBODY SCORES 35 AGAINST TENNESSEE IN THE FIRST QUARTER!!! Also if anyone has any whiskey they’d like to send me I appear to be out

Who the hell put Bama on our schedule??

Tua is already the greatest lefty quarterback in NFL history and he is still 15 months away from getting drafted.

https://twitter.com/rollbamaroll/status/1053749582381879296

So how long is Pruitt going to let Tua sit back there, drink coffee, scratch his balls, order pizza, play through Skyrim, and throw a touchdown pass before he calls a fucking blitz?

What is the point anymore…

Down 28 at the half? Check.

Listening to the announcer equivalents of nails on a chalkboard? Check.

Bombarded by ads for dumb-ass shows like FBI and God Friended Me? Checkarooni.

Looking like a five hour game time? You already know.

CBS. It just means more.

“If we had Alabama’s schedule we’d be undefeated.” - Chris Peterson. Bitch you lost to Auburn.

Uh oh Gary says Bama need a QB with experience trailing in big games to go to Baton Rouge

It’s such a shame that Tua has never led his team to a victory over an elite SEC team in the second half

God damn.How the fuck did Auburn lose to this team?

Two Vols died for that first down. Press F to pay respects

Does Bama ever get tired of hate fucking Tennessee?

”I don’t see one Tennessee player out there I’d let fuck my wife.” - Gary

I think the score of this game just proves how unpredictable rivalry games are, who’lda thunk that Tennessee would score 3 TDS?

Dark lord Saban: 1

Cheezus Chryst: 0

Who ever is saying bama doesn’t deserve their ranking is foolish and should be punished by staring silently into Nick Saban’s eyes for 5 mins

Hello, SEC? Yes I would like to change Tennessee’s rival in the West. My anus can’t take much more.

Nobody has ever tweeted about Tennessee beating Bama. No Instagrams have been posted or snapchats sent about Tennessee beating Bama. Three different classes of players has come here, played their four years, and graduated since Tennessee beat Bama. The majority of middle school kids have not seen Tennessee beat Alabama in their lifetime. And it’s probably not going to change any time soon.

SUBURBAN MEYER

Does the loss count if Urban doesn’t report it?

Purdue Football just one upped the make a wish foundation on national television

To reiterate:

Purdue: Hates Cancer

OSU: No Stance

https://imgur.com/ovW3gsx

Purdue spent the 4th quarter trying to run the clock out, but kept accidentally running up the score with 40+ yard TDs.

Hello Urban, I want to play a game

Kirk’s pure disdain for OSU’s number of pass attempts will give me joy for weeks

OSU rarely loses, but when they do lose it’s really fucking bad

Purdue against most teams

Purdue against Ohio State

All the teams that beat Purdue: “Are we better than Ohio State?”

whoever takes a blacklight to Ann Arbour tomorrow is going to be disgusted

OHIO STATE NOW HAS A TRANSITIVE LOSS TO EASTERN MICHIGAN! WHAT THE FUCK

https://i.imgur.com/Mk51FDg.jpg

I told my coworker I was concerned about this game earlier this week. He said, and I shit you not: “Oh they’ll beat purdue. They can start the 2nd team and beat Purdue”.

Fuck you Dave. Seriously, fuck you.

Can’t get blown out of the playoffs if you don’t make the playoffs. Smart move, urban.

Live look in the OSU locker room

Confirmed: Ohio State does not support cancer

Who would win?

A perennial powerhouse who hasn’t lost with a championship winning head coach

Or

Some boily bois

https://i.imgur.com/zZXUahY.jpg

Urban is texting his cardiologist “U up?” Right now

Really cool of Purdue to beat cancer in front of Tyler

IT HAS BEEN 0 DAYS SINCE PURDUE DAD DICKED OHIO STATE

Purdue tonight

Documents

L

CFB 2018-2019

L

Ohio State

L

Purdue (Away)

L

This folder is

They choo-chooed me. Those fucking trains choo-chooed me. They’re so good. They’re so good. They’re so good. They’re so good.

Worst part about this is.....

Alabama could lose to LSU, not make the SEC Championship game again

......then make the playoff

I’m convinced Ohio State is in bed with Big Popcorn.

I bought bags and bags of it during the Urb drama, and I’m heading out to buy more for the meltdown this week.

So uh... Y’all got any more of them Bosa’s?

https://twitter.com/TaylorTannebaum/status/1053846544661835776

Purdue or Purduenot, there is no try.

DID YOU GUYS KNOW LEBRON JAMES LIKES THE BUCKEYES AND PLAYS TONIGHT AT 10:30?

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Dp_-zJ6WsAAuHBC.jpg

Ohio State and inexplicably falling apart against black and yellow teams. Name a more iconic duo.

Purdue “Literally Iowa” Boilermakers

Here Urban, this should be the nearest Papa John’s from there.

1400 W State St, West Lafayette, IN 47906 (765) 743-2800

I wrote it down so you wouldn’t forget! Just remember, they prefer calls, not texts.

Hi I’m Ohio State football outside of West Lafayette and I have DirecTV.

I’m Ohio State football in West Lafayette and I poop standing up.

”You could barely breathe. Why?”

”I have cancer”

This will be two years in a row OSU will have gotten blown out in games involving sick kids. Iowa 2017 Hospital, and this Purdue kid. James Franklin is gonna inject some kid with aids now.