NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Week 6 — It was a rough weekend to be a Stoops; Auburn fans hate Gus again

Meltdown time is now o’clock y’all! What a wonderful weekend it was with a bountiful crop of blue-blood anger we have been gifted. Count your blessings, dear friends; it’s not often we get three top ten teams go down in the same week.

We start in Dallas with the Red River Rivalry Shootout Mess-Around Rumble Cook-off Showdown. Texas plays Oklahoma every year and there are two constants: it doesn’t matter who’s good, and something stupid is going to happen. I’m being told by my producer that I have to say both of these teams are good, but something stupid did happen: #19 Texas blew a 21 point lead in the fourth quarter to #7 Oklahoma. Sam Ehlinger lead the Longhorns on a game-winning drive with 2:30 left in the game setting up the field goal by the kicker Cameron Dicker.

The Tigers of LSU made a trip down to Gainesville, which is never a good idea. LSU went into the game ranked 5th in the country before their lethargic offense doomed them to die in the swamp.

An undefeated Kentucky football team took their talents to College Station to take on the Aggies. That Wildcat offense sputtered mightily, never running a play on the Aggie side of the 50, but still refused to fall in regulation thanks to a 54 yard touchdown pass and a 40 yard fumble return touchdown. In OT after calling a timeout before 3rd and 2 Kentucky took a sack, lost 8 yards, and missed the field goal.

Those good ol’ Auburn Tigers did what they do best: build up expectations only to massively disappoint. The 8th ranked War Tigers went to Mississippi State and put together an offense that would make a Will Muschamp Florida offense look competent. Defensively the Eagle Tigers equaled their offensive ineptitude. The Bulldogs out-rushed Auburn 349 to 90! Auburn lost 23-9.

Content below is riddled with bad words typed by people who were capitol “M” Mad online. Proceed carefully if you have a fragile constitution or contribute to a swear jar.

RED RIVER RAGE FEST

The transitive losses to Villanova are really racking up now.

My only consolation is that so many Texas fans had strokes watching this

Players of the game:

Texas QB #11

Oklahoma QB #1

Oklahoma DC

FUCKING FIST ME

DICKER? I hardly know ‘er!

DICKER? ‘Er dicked me :(

DiCKER? Well don’t because I’m ‘er and do not give consent.

We are wasting championship-caliber offenses season after season because no one has the guts to fire Bob’s brother.

Here I’ll do it :( Did OU win today?

Riley giveth, Mike taketh away

https://i.imgur.com/YWjEChu.jpg

Explosive, unstoppable offense.

Swiss cheese defense

The OU way

I want to fire Mike Stoops. But because it ended up such a close game, there’s going to be all kinds of excuses as to why it’s not his fault.

I’m just so tired of losing offensive shootouts because our defense can’t play a whole game. How many times have we lost games like this? How many more until we do something about it? He’s trash. Always some excuse: the players are the ones making the tackles, he just needs more talent, the offense scores too fast/turned over the ball. Fuck Mike Stoops with a sideways football

He’s directly responsible for the amount of talent we have on that side of the ball, and he’s the guy that’s supposed to be coaching them up on how to tackle. That excuse has never made sense to me.

Shitty Photoshop of /r/CFB right now.

I bet the shithead media is gonna rank Texas in the top 10 now. *update* Fuck me of course I was right.

apology for poor english

where were you when texas back?

i sat at home drinking lone star when mcconaughey call

’texas is back’

alright alright alright

Please select one of the following.

Texas:

➡️ Is back

➡️ Is not back

➡️ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

➡️ Was actually just napping this whole time

➡️ Fifth thing

➡️ I LIKE BEER OKAY?!

Quoted from Tucker 1:27 in New Tucker Translation, after Justin Tucker beat A&M -

”Dicker is the one who comes after me, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie.”

https://imgur.com/0EbIgEe

It’s funny that ESPN said “this is the first time both teams have been ranked for this matchup since 2012”

What they really mean is, this is the first time Texas has been ranked for this matchup since 2012.

FUN FACT: Although this game takes place at the Texas State Fair, many of the carnival games are not fair, having been rigged to make the objective nearly impossible carnival-goers to accomplish.

Oklahoma has not stopped a team in the red zone this year.

Fuck me raw dog with Bevo’s dick

Mike Stoops plays a bend don’t break defense over and take it defense.

Some people here are confused so let me clear it up.

OUs Pass Blocking: 5 stars

OUs Run Blocking: highway gas station bathroom.

They should call it the Red River Shootyourselfinthedick Rivalry because I wanna red river shootmyselfinthedick.

FUCK BOB STOOPS FOR EVER HIRING HIS USELESS DUMB FUCK DICK SHIT BROTHER TO RUN ANYTHING MORE THAN AN ASSISTANT’S SECRETARY”S UNPAID INTERN!! I APOLOGIZE TO THE TERM DICK SHIT, BECAUSE EVEN SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF A DICK WOULD SCHEME UP A BETTER DEFENSE THAN MIKE STOOPS!!! FUCK LINCOLN RILEY FOR BEING TO COWARDLY TO FIRE HIM IN HIS OPENING STATEMENTS AT HIS HIRING PRESS CONFERENCE!!! IF STOOPS ISN”T FIRED WITHIN 48 HOURS I WILL CUT OUT MY APPENDIX WITH A DULL PLASTIC SPORK, FIND MIKE STOOPS, AND THROW IT IN HIS WORTHLESS FACE!!!!

PUTTING THE “L” IN LSU

How does a 3 man rush get pressure on the QB?

Ah yes. Florida starts the season 5-1 with a loss to Kentucky, just as everyone predicted. Nothing to see here in the SEC East

Unless the commies attack, I don’t want a special report interrupting football again, CBS.

I picked a bad Saturday to stop sniffing glue

Don’t know which was worse: this hellish game or taking a long ass break to give an update on politics we already knew was gonna happen. Give me blackout judge honestly because I’m about to get on his level if I’m forced to miss much more of this game.

Does this mean Kentucky is actually good?

Welp, as a Sooner and LSU fan, today has been a shitty day

EAUXH NEAUX

Congrats Florida. You earned it but you can’t come over to play anymore.

I blame CBS.

They showed that graphic that Joe hadn’t thrown a pick in 139 attempts.

We’ve been fucking shit ever since.

Butterfingers: the official sponsor of the LSU Tigers

IM CHOPPING MY DICK OFF AS WE SPEAK

”Great bloodlines”

Is he a hunting retriever?

We going to the citrus bowl again?

“If that last guy didn’t make an open field tackle he’d of had a lot more yards”

What great insight

https://pre00.deviantart.net/0f2a/th/pre/i/2010/098/5/5/crocodile_eats_tiger_contest_by_ilpusher.jpg

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a quarterback get held back by his team that much. And I’m a saints fan.

I need my dick chopping knife.

Fucking Ryan Nanni

The hate I have for Florida is even more then I have for Alabama.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th51wVMLOEM

KENT-KEEPGETTIN-LUCKY

We wanted to be like top teams. Their mistake was choosing Penn State

https://imgur.com/a/2VUbLsH

James Franklin: I have the worst playcalls out of timeouts

Mark Stoops: I gotchu fam

Any OC that doesn’t give Benny Snell the football at least once in OT doesn’t deserve a job or two working kidneys

https://twitter.com/edsbs/status/1048756519653834752

13 RANKED KENTUCKY LOSES GAME ON A MISSED 3 POINTER...

IN FOOTBALL. FUCK

5 years ago, if I told you that Jimbo Fisher is going to coach Texas A&M to an OT upset over 13 ranked kentucky, youd have called me an ugly crazy SOB, but here we are and now you’re just calling me ugly and my calling mom a bitch.

Looks like we’ve got a good old fashioned punter’s duel on our hands here boys.

Kentucky is mirroring Tennessee’s 2016 season.

5-0 start. Break long losing streak to Florida. Overtime loss to A&M.

Put your cup on. It’s all downhill from here!

Benny Snell google history

bars in college station

girls in college station

how to decommit in your junior year

kirby smart favorite kind of pie

WE DO NOT WANT BAMA. OR GEORGIA. WE JUST WANT TO GO LIE DOWN AND TAKE A NAP UNTIL BASKETBALL IS BACK.

Something something why not Snell

Something something fuck me in the asshole

Something something still beat Florida

That is on par with the Seahawks not giving the ball to Marshawn Lynch. What a fucking joke. Best running back in school history and we throw it on 3rd and 2

Mark Stoops showing some of that Mike Stoopsidity on that play call.

More like Mark Poops :(

All I know is that no one knows how to talk to children about Kentucky, and now they’re never going to.

Texas A&M can’t stop Benny if we don’t run him. points to head

Kentucky’s offense owes Kentucky’s defense a hand written apology and some flowers.

My girlfriend who knows nothing about football: “That was dumb, why would he just run into that big crowd of people when he has to go to the yellow line?” She fucking gets it.

Aggies and Jimbo finally got their “welcome to the SEC” moment struggling through an OT win over Kentucky at home. So congrats I guess, but still fuck y’all.

NAW-BURN

I’m so ready to be the highest ranked 2 loss team like tradition dictates.

Line at the liquor store in the Winn Dixie parking lot on College, surprisingly short

Anyone else hear the girl being murdered in the stands?

Time of possession: MSU - 41:53 AU - 18:07

His back was on the line. He wasn’t holding it between his fucking shoulder blades.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Do48pROXkAUEXsS.jpg

Defense looks as tired as my girlfriend did when I told her she looked tired.. It didn’t end well then either.

Why is that girl screaming like an idiot. They have cowbells for that.

https://i.imgur.com/ICgE7ub.png

Auburn’s offense is something. Wait actually It’s literally the opposite of something

https://imgur.com/gallery/xFucHNH

Stidham would lose to an underhanded-throwing girl in the doctor pepper football scholarship challenge.

Gus hasn’t developed ONE GOOD Q B !!! Frazier-bust

JJ- bust

White-bust

Every God damn QB is a bust!

He’s a QB killer l!

Auburns O line is terrible.

Stidham couldn’t hit a building deep

Terrible refs

To the bottle I go

Fade me fam. For the next 4-7 years.

I hate being an Auburn fan so much

Our offense is certainly offensive

Maybe Stidham should do cocain? Fitzgerald seems to be a hard runner without being scared. Maybe it’s that booger sugar he likes to snort? FYI Fitz was suspended the first game for cocaine and had also been in trouble for it when Mullen was there.

Nothing but respect for my coach!

Auburn has been overrated all year. We’re MAYBE a team worth being in the low 20s and people should finally be realizing that. Gus can have success sometimes, but he’s never going to be consistent, and this is why people hate gus. He’ll have hot streaks but then streaks where the team is straight up bad.

Auburn is so bad

I want someone to kill me

It’s snowing on Mt. Fuji

We’ve gone to three NY6 games in 5 years with Gus. He is 2-3 against the greatest living college football coach, and all of those games came when Saban had his program fully up and running. We came a dozen or so seconds away from a national championship with him. We curb stomped two #1 teams in three weeks last year with him. That’s a lot of success, especially at Auburn. That being said, looking at the team’s performance this season, in both wins and losses, and at various points in previous seasons, it is hard not to wonder if that success has come in spite of Malzahn, rather than because of him. He seems incapable of making adjustments in game, and doesn’t appear very good at making adjustments between games. If his bread and butter halfback dive isn’t having success, the offense simply does not work, and he has no plan B.

honestly might be the most disappointing Auburn team i can remember. i’m just fucking depressed man. i was so excited for college football this season but this sucks and i don’t want to watch this and be sad every weekend

0% chance the ball crossed before he was down. Are these fucking pac12 refs or something?

His whole body is behind the line, what the actual fuck

Oh my god. It would be physically impossible for the ball to be across the plane, but that doesn’t matter since you can’t actually see the ball. I’m so fucking angry rn

This game is so boring that we’re all talking about that moaning Myrtle bitch in the stands.

Beating UGA and Bama last year has set our program back a few years: If Gus loses one of those games last year he gets fired after this years crappy performance, but being he won both of those games and a knee jerk reaction by the administration we are stuck with him 2-3 more years. It really sucks getting excited for football season only to watch pathetic football and lose interest by the first of October. Personally I already lost interest and went to a nice dinner during the first half and made it home in time to watch the second half and I’m usually the one that will not miss a single play during the season. Frick Gus and his shitty bubblegum offense.