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NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Super-Sized Hate Week Edition!

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Tis the season for giving... really lengthy rants on message boards.

NCAA Football: Auburn at Alabama John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Happy hate week everybody! It’s the most wonderful time of the year: rivalry week meltdown time. In this beautiful season it’s important to remember the things for which we are thankful.

Remember the joys life has bestowed upon us and show empathy to those with less than you. None of this applies to hate week. Empathy is not allowed right now, only schadenfreude.

If y’all will indulge me a few sentences, I’d like to be genuine for a moment. Even though this season hasn’t provided the usually thrills and spills of unexplained top 3 losses or random coach firings in the middle of the season, y’all stuck around through it all. For that, I’m sincerely grateful.

This is my third season writing this column and I get more emails about the meltdown thread from nice readers, or mad folks, than anywhere else. Thanks to all of you who read and comment every week, I do read them all eventually. Thanks to Erik for letting me still write this even when my columns have less genuine melting than in years past. Most of all I’d like to thank all of you college football fans for getting angry, drinking heavily, and never letting anyone tell you when to log off.

Sorry I don’t know what happened there. I must have blacked out for a couple paragraphs again. Maybe I should see a doctor. ANYWAY let’s get down to business (to defeat the Huns)!

We’ve got five teams on the docket today because I just couldn’t deny any of them the fame they deserved. We start with the ACTUAL greatest rivalry in college football, if not all of sports, in the Iron Bowl. Since like last year, this result doesn’t matter because ‘Bama is going to the SEC Championship anyway I’m just not going to say anything about it.

PSYCH! You should’ve seen the look on your faces. Alabama hosted Auburn and the first half of this game caused roughly 4,392,801 mini heart attacks in ‘Bama and Barn fans around the country. The Tide led by only 3 at the half and Auburn thought they might be on par with The Citadel. Spoiler: they were. Bama dropped 35 second-half points on the Teagers (tiger eagles) and allowed just one second half score en route to a 30-point iron bowl win and a 12-0 regular season.

Michigan played Ohio State in a game of football. The vaunted “best defense in the country” Wolverine defense didn’t quite live up to their reputation, hence the sarcastic quote marks. Big Blue kept it within 5 at the half but proceeded to give up 38 SECOND HALF POINTS! Ohio State dropped 62 on a defense who someone told me was supposed to be the nation’s finest. An Ohio State University beat Michigan 62-39 and shattered their rival’s hopes at the playoff.

West Virginia and Oklahoma played for a spot in the Big 12 Championship game against Texas on Friday. This game was only the second most Big 12 game of the week behind LSU and Texas A&M, but we’ll get there. Both teams scored at least 10 points in every single quarter except for West Virginia in the fourth quarter, where they scored only 7. OU took down the Mountaineers by a final score of 59-56 where the difference was only a field goal that WVU decided not to kick on 4th and 5 inside the red zone in the first half.

Washington State and Washington faced off in the greatest in-state rivalry named after a fruit: the Apple Cup. The story of this rivalry is that Washington always wins. It doesn’t matter if Wazzu is having their best season ever under Mike Leach and is the PAC 12’s sole prayer at a playoff birth; the Huskies always win. In the snowstorm of a rivalry game this year you’ll never guess what happened. Washington won 28 to 15 proving definitively dogs are better than cats and also that Washington won the division even in a year where they looked terrible.

LSU played Texas A&M on Saturday in the traditional game that the Aggies have always played on Thanksgiving week. This game was like if you left your significant other home on a Saturday afternoon to go get groceries for an hour then come back and find three empty handles of everclear on the ground, half a dead goat in the sink, a pack of wild dogs dancing and singing show tunes with your significant other passed out in a pool of their own pee while wearing a hat that says “Ralph Nader for President 2020.” Meaning: it got buck wild. The Tigers doused Ed Orgeron with a gatorade bath when this game was surely wrapped up the first time nearly a century before it actually ended. Countless times LSU should have won this game but they never actually did thanks to some bad luck and poor officiating. After seven overtimes, that’s right seven, Texas A&M won 74-72.

The language below is filled with the kind of language used in Dixieland Delight when the students stopped saying “respect Auburn.” If you don’t like swears please don’t read any further or complain in the comments section if you can’t handle it.

My parents can handle it, so can you. Enjoy the glorious anger!

PEACE EAGLE IMO

Welp. That was an Iron Bowl. A football game was played alright.

Bama wants 1888 Yale

Remember when it was 14-17 Lol

Alabama is now the 2nd team in College Football history to win their first 12 games of the season by 20+ points.

The last team to do that was 1888 Yale

Heard the announcers say during the game that Tua is right handed in everything but throwing a football. Can’t wait for the reveal that he’s really right handed in that too, just been fucking with everyone. He’s the Hawaiian Dread Pirate Roberts.

Alabama is more OP than Gen 1 Psychics

32 million united states dollars

https://twitter.com/bmarcello/status/1066481585925562368

I would rather watch the Kick Six on loop than watch an episode of God Friended Me

It’s that magical Saturday every year where Barners and Bammers come together to hate on Gary Danielson.

I know Thanksgiving was 2 days ago but I’d like every single person in this thread to take a moment and be thankful that Nick Saban is not yelling at you right now

Basketball is my favorite sport, I like the way they dribble up and down the court, Just like I’m the King on the microphone, so is Dr. J and Moses Malone, I like Slam-dunks, take me to the hoop, My favorite play is the alley-oop, I like the pick-and-roll, I like the give-and-go, Cause it’s Basketball, uh, Mister Kurtis Blow,

I like watching football.

When my team scores I think “yes”

When the other team scores 52 I think “no”

Tua finished the regular season with 0 incompletions in the fourth quarter. Has any player who started every game done that before?

500+ yards in all but 1 game. 12-0 and 20+ point wins in every game. 50+ points in 8 games. 14 points or less allowed in 8 games. A Heisman moment game for Tua that should cement his win. Saban: “We can be better”

If you want someone to blame for this blame Mark Helfrich. It takes a very special level of recruiting incompetence for us to have not offered Tua. He wanted to be the next Mariota. He would be playing in green and yellow if it wasn’t for the monumental dilshit that was Helfrich.

Georgia fans looking at next week like

Why is gus such a loser?

Unless something about Gustave’s future is announced soon it looks like we may miss out on Hugh Freeze as the next OC per Saturday Down South “Freeze is the top target to replace Tennessee OC Tyson Helton” and for the Kendall Briles crowd he is currently set to interview for the vacant HC position at Texas State

So if gus isn’t fired Then Leath/Greene either (1) aren’t going to fire him or (2) are the two most incompetent firers in the entire world. Sadly looking like its option (1).

TIL Alabama is the Yale of the South.

Me in the first half: We might actually do this!

Me in the second half: Oh no, we’re Citadel!

Is it time to put Bama in the playoff conversation?

I’m happy Auburn is staying competitive.

But I’m also bummed that Saban probably boiled a bunny alive in the locker room at halftime to prove a point.

Ups and downs.

Now comes the part where Gus makes no adjustments and Bama steamrolls us.

Once Gus is gone do you want Derek Mason?

That’s Bull Crap!!! Flag. Dayum!!!

178 points in 8 conference games This includes at least one special teams TD. So is 23 ppg worth 49 million? 21, 34, 9, 24, 31, 28, 10, 21 The 34 and 31 were against teams that were a combined 1-15 in the league. Offensive genius? C’mon Kristi, tell me how great Gus is!

Guaranteed money? Market rate?

Who will Gus take to Lubbock? What staff members will he hire at Lubbock? Good luck to Gus as he continues his coaching career at Texas Tech!

Jared Stidham is the worst qb in Auburn history. Worse than JJ, worse than K. Frazier, worse than anyone. He is fricking horrible.

Stidham doesn’t care. It’s sad to say, but he doesn’t bother him at all that we lost.

Auburn has a 21-19 record in SEC games since the Kick Six. Gus is so frustrating.

Even the Alabama tv commercial is way better than Auburn’s.

Proudly wearing my Auburn shirt at Old Navy right now.

No worries, Auburn fans. There will be no trash talk about this game. After all, it does not matter.

I think they were yelling something different than “respect auburn” during dixieland delight.

“BEST DEFENSE IN THE COUNTRY”

Me to my son: “Bud, you know who we want to win?”

My Son: “Who?

Me: “The blue Team”

My Son: “But I like the red team”

I have failed as a parent

Lot of third world countries gonna get Revenge Tour shirts at least.

https://i.imgur.com/X4STX27.png

Purdue’s shit ass defense held OSU to 20 points.What.

The most points Michigan basketball has given up this year is 61.

That game was so depressing I actually feel motivated to start eating healthier, exercising more, and improving my overall well-being.

Michigan: We beat OSU this year or we never will

Narrator: they never will

I’ve watched 2 Ohio State games this year. The Purdue game and this one.

No way these are the same team.

Ohio State right now

The ultimate plot twist; Michigan’s defense let down Michigan’s offense.

I’m just sad man, Ohio state looks really good and we imploded. I’ve been the biggest harbaugh defender but come on. Giving up 62 to your biggest rivals is an embarrassment.

Harbaugh’s best team vs Urban’s worst team and straight up blue balled.

No more falling for all of that great defense hype we hear almost every season.

Our defense always seems to totally fail or flop toward the end of these games against OSU.

I predict a nice, non toxic game thread. No one complains about reffing. Everyone enjoys a game with little commericals. Everyone gets along and says good game at the end regardless of the outcome.

Thank god we can put “mIcHiGaN sHoUlD bE rAnKeD hIgHeR tHaN nOtER dAmE” behind us.. But now Notre Dame asn’t played nobody

ohio state fans can try all they want, but i assure you no one hates michigan football more than michigan fans. good lord what an embarrassing game

Urban and his memory issues strike again. He clearly forgot that he was supposed to lose this game.

This game was not as close as the score would lead you to believe

http://howmanydayssincemichiganhasbeatenohiostate.com/

Harbaugh and Leach have the same problem, it doesn’t matter how great their season has been, they are incapable of beating their rival. Michigan, we’re glad to have you back in the “Getting stomped annually by your most hated rival” club. We’ve got Fireball in the back and bleach for those after something a little stronger.

Ah, and the yearly Michigan tradition continues of getting all the fans excited throughout the season only to shit the bed when it really matters...Ah, and the yearly Michigan tradition continues of getting all the fans excited throughout the season only to shit the bed when it really matters…

Ohio State:

Playoff level talent

Highschool level consistency

haters will say it’s fake

A Michigan fan just called into this radio show to tell everyone how he feels like a Lions fan.

https://twitter.com/ComplexSports/status/1066425547985772544

I’m so tired. I’m tired of going into every Michigan-Ohio State game thread in the first two drives and seeing the same god damn thing.

“What is going on here?!?!?”

“Can Michigan actually win it this time?”

“Good team”

“Michigan is so spooky.”

“This is the year they pull it out just wait!”

“Michigan might actually be good.”

“Their defense is #1!!!!!111”

Guess the fuckety fucking fuck what. No they fucking don’t. They don’t got it. This is UM. There is no happiness here. We will not pull it out. We will leave it in there and the next thing you know you’re 33 years old with six kids, living in a single wide with a plywood bathroom door because you kicked it when you were drunk in Detroit, married to a semi-retired hooker from Royal Oak, and a beer belly the size of a KEG OF KEYSTONE LIGHT BECAUSE YOUR DAD NEVER TAUGHT YOU THE OL COITUS INTERRUPTUS.

And dont bring your chaos gods bullshit up in here. CHAOS ISNT LOSING TO OHIO FUCKING STATE SEVEN STRAIGHT TIMES. Your chaos gods have forsaken you. Losing in heartbreaking and brand new fashion every time is your new god.

Ya wanna know what it’s like being an UM football fan? It’s like getting ready to have sex with a girl and she slips your dick out of your pants, starts to blow you, then yanks the zipper up on your pants as hard as she can. And then says she has two kids with 59 year old JT BARRETT.

IT TOOK OUR HIRING OF THE “GOAT” DON “MASTERMIND” BROWN TO EVEN MAKE THIS GAME COMPETITIVE.

don’t tell me it’ll get better. don’t tell me how to feel my feelings. I don’t want to hear “but overtime scary boooooooo!” From OSU. And I don’t want to hear fucking a fucking thing from MSU. Fuck you. You broke your streak. I don’t want to hear about how I just have to wait. I DID MY WAITING.

One day I’ll die and the misery of being an UM fan will be over. I’ll be walking to take my place in heaven, I’ll get 27 yards from the pearly gates, full of bliss and happiness with all my suffering over, there will be sweet calming music, and then all of a sudden from out of nowhere I’ll hear sweet, innocent Don Fischer sigh and say, “Touchdown Dwayne Haskins.” The music stops, dread fills my stomach, everything turns dark. Just then, a bright light shows up and Jesus appears. I feel the warmth again, everything will be alright. He leans forward as if to tell me something wonderful and whispers almost inaudibly, “O-H” then kicks me right in the dick and shoves me off the edge to fall into a silver and red room with my eyes taped open to watch this fucking game on repeat for the rest of eternity.

DEFENSE HIGHLY DISCOURAGED

NFL: This game has seen more combined points than any Big 12 matchup this season.

Big12: Hold my beer...

Big 12: “any questions?”

All CFB Fans: “yeah, what the fuck?”

It’s simple, you, uh kill the defense.

OU defense: Either you’re scoring 7 or we are

GET READY FOR RED RIVER SHOOTOUT 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Simmons’ dumbass swung the momentum too much on that bonehead play and lost us this

Your move, NFL.

“But sir, we haven’t even set a line yet for OU-Texas”

“DAMMIT I DONT CARE I TAKE THE OVER”

These fucking teams averaged a TD every 4 minutes.

these DBs should open a real estate business since they love giving people yards

Both teams’ DBs:

Lincoln’s addresses don’t have shit on the amount of scores this game had

Fire Mike Stoops?

”This game won’t be won by field goals” - final words of a man who lost by a field goal

Monday: The Chiefs and Rams scored more points than any Big XII game this year

Friday: tHe ChIeFs AnD rAmS sCoReD mOrE pOiNtS tHaN aNy BiG xIi GaMe ThIs YeAr

Tune in next week for “The Gang Gives Up 60...and Wins”

Forever mood

Slaps the Big 12

You can fit so many points in here, I’ll tell you what

Holy crap. So many debates about targeting all-season long. The exact bloody definition of targeting happens without debate, and nothing.

Crap, I’ve seen mere accidental graze of a helmet, etc. get called on that. That was straight-up spearing with the helmet and nothing.

Petition to move B12 Championship to the Cotton Bowl

”This is a good opportunity for the Oklahoma defense.”laughs in Sooner

Why ever take the under

Mathematicians have calculated that in only two months time JT Simmons will have pushed Tre Brown to California

4th down against Oklahoma’s OLine

WVU: Rushes 3

Oklahoma:Gets first down

WVU: https://i.imgur.com/jTzrBWB.jpg

Both defenses looked like Wile E. Coyote trying to stop the Roadrunner from scoring.

Another West Virginia signature disappointment. Are you surprised? Well... You shouldn’t be. This is a team that routinely shits the bed on the national stage. If the Mountaineers ever smell any semblence of relevance or success, the team seems to have an absoulete breakdown. We will never be able to out-recruit Texas or Oklahoma. We will perpetually lose recruits to the SEC and ACC. We will live in the purgatory of good but not good enough. Hats off to Oklahoma, they own our ass. We are forever 9-4 and that’s that

SAD LARGE CATS:

THE PAC 12 IS OFFICIALLY OUT OF PLAYOFF CONTENTION! No one autocannibalizes like the PAC-12!

Life is a death sentence. God hates Cougs.

“Wen I die god will have to ask for my forgiveness”

-Cougas

Boys we’re one step closer to a UCF playoff. We just gotta believe.

Further down the thread someone asked “what’s everyone drinking” and a UW fan said “wine” and a WSU fan said “Busch Light” and that about sums this rivalry up

Anybody from either school who says they aren’t nervous as fuck right now is completely full of shit.

└ Files

└ College Football

└ Washington State

└ 2018 Playoff Hopes

└ ⚠️ Snow File by this Name Exists

Don’t let this snow game distract you from the fact that WSU got robbed of a Pac-12 title and a CFP bid because of the Pac-12 refs in the USC game. FIRE LARRY SCOTT

Wow showing Minshew crying is really just like they’re twisting the knife

FOX switches off basketball at 5:25 or we riot

The most Coug thing ever is that our home weather favors our rival.

This kills Minshew’s Heisman hopes and any of the Pac 12’s playoff hopes. :(

Life is bleak and has no meaning. I look for the light at the end of the tunnel and all I see is Petersen laughing his way to the bank after scooping up all the 4/5* croots.

In a matchup between two QBs who have been featured in Heisman conversations at some point of their careers, wide-out Aaron Fuller is the only player to throw a passing TD.

At this point, WSU and The Apple Cup has become a meme. If the Cougs can not win with the best team WSU has fielded in 20 years, what is the point?

Wazzu is CFB version of the Mariners. Even in good years you know they’re going to find a way to crush your heart at the end

Stop fucking scheduling basketball and football back to back.

One thing Husky and Cougar fans can agree on: Fuck this basketball game

If I miss the start of this game I’m blaming Larry Scott.

sad Ya Woo sounds

Its really crazy because the words “upset” and “chaos” are really such fun, nebulous terms when you aren’t the one experiencing them. But now I’m sitting here and everyone around me is having fun saying things like “PAC 12 ELIMINATED FROM PLAYOFF CONTENTION” or “UCF ONE STEP CLOSER”, and its just so real - we got smashed again by UW, and no one besides a Coug really gets it.

HOT!! BLACK FRIDAY SPECIAL!!

90% off “WSU 2018 College Football Playoff” gear - buy now!!

//

But on the real, good game WSU. Love the snow games, and I appreciate the hospitality fans showed towards our band.

On to the P12 ship!!

So nice of our team to let the Huskies win after the bus accident last night. Good Guy Cougs!

Jake Browning is living proof that you can hide the QB and thrive.

Gardner looked so sad :(

This is the most emotional I’ve been over a game since SB 49. After that I promised myself I’d never feel this again. Yet here I am.

This really, really hurts.

10 wins and we can’t coach ourselves to the championship game. It’s stupid, but I was really looking forward to buying a Rose Bowl sweatshirt this year, the same kind my parents had bought in 1998. Man, we were looking at a chance at the playoffs.

Leach couldn’t stop the run at all. Nor can he stop the Huskies ever it seems. It’s gonna be hard to get excited about whatever bowl game we get now.

Congrats Leach, you broke the spirit that I thought I no longer had.

TRADITIONAL AGGIE THANKSGIVING RIVALS

SEC AFTERDARK

RIP 8OT dreams

My pizza is done cooking so Im gonna go stick my head in the oven

Fate decided that 7th Ranked LSU would lose in the 7th overtime, thus snapping a 7 game win streak over A&M.

My grandpa told me stories about the 1st quarter of this game. I never though it would end in my lifetime.

LSU Fans: Our offense is always awful, just once in my life i’d love us to score 70

monkey’s paw curls

On January 6th, LSU andTexas A&M played a basketball game with a final score of 69 - 68. Tonight’s game was higher scoring.

I bet the under AMA

How many OTs until that guy ejected for targeting doesn’t have to sit out of the next game?

LSU scored 0 against Alabama and gave up 74 to Texas A&M this year.

Speaking for everyone who turned the game off after the apparent interception about, uh, thirty years ago

what the ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK JUST HAPPENED

The LSU band died for this game.

rumor has it the LSU band is still making car alarm noises

A&M: Dormammu I’ve come to bargain

Went on a first date with a girl tonight, things were going great so we started watching a movie when my dad texted me and told me to turn the game on when OT started. Fairly certain there will not be a second date now.

I’m the real victim here. I had to open a second bag of chips.

The award for the Most Buffalo Wild Wings Football Game I’ve Ever Seen goes to this game. Christ almighty. That bartender kept slamming that button until it broke.

DAMMIT, I WANTED OT8 “THE OCHO”

Everyone call your LSU and TAMU friends and family to see if they’re still alive tonight

Its the December 4, 2034. The famed 18’ LSU TAMU game has finally ended. A few head coach changes were made during the game. It is mythed that Tom Herman finally came to LSU but after 56 OTs he was fired. Les Miles after winning 15 national championships in a row with Kansas decided to try his hand at ending the game, but no luck, after 40 OTs Miles was again fired by LSU. Eventually both universities decided to let advanced futuristic AI coach both teams. But by the time one team won everyone who cared about the game was already dead, and the winner of the game is still debated to this day.

Wow. This game has made me question everything I thought I knew about college football. I mean, not in a million years would I have believed a band could be more annoying than FSU’s.

On one hand I wanted that game to keep on going forever, on the other hand if it did the LSU band was going to destroy my ears.Edit: Very drunk

BERRR BA UNNN BERR BA UNNN BERRR BA UNNN BERR BA UNNN

LSU and Texas A&M combined to make up 65.8% of Georgia Tech’s score against Cumberland (222-0, October 7, 1916).

Congratulations Jimbo Fisher, you just finished an ESPN Instant Classic!

Go to My NCAA - ESPN Instant Classics to view this game.

GameRank: #1

Classic Score: 69420

Every fan in the stadium

Me: Excited Freshmen who gets to play in a college marching band

Also me: Proceed to only play 2 notes for my entire collegiate career

players are cramping because they poured all the gatorade on the coach already

Why is a ranked game on the SEC network?

My flight took off in the 4th quarter, and I saw the end of the game after we landed

Biggest Losers: All the TV networks that decided a game between two ranked SEC teams wasn’t worth airing.

During 12 OT the field turns pitch black and maroon then Manziel ascends to the 50 yard line on a platform disc of levitating blood.

Then the Aggie war hymn plays in reverse.

Please stay tuned for “Ed Orgeron Kills a Live Gator in Frustration with his Bare Hands” NEXT on the SEC Network.

Premature gatorade bathing killed da tigas

You may not like it, but this is what peak SEC performance looks like

146 total points

Imagine how sticky Coach O is from that Gatorade and then 7 overtimes worth of gumbo sweats

Supplies are low; thanksgiving leftovers have been used up. I’m all alone here watching this game that will never end, cursed to stay awake til this wretched game ends. Alas my fortitude weakens as the bags under my eyes become permanent. I’m not sure how many more points I can handle. If only I had a background in Big 12ism to help me hold out. To my family, if you’re reading this, I love you. I’m sorry I couldn’t hold on longer. Is that it? The light at the end of a 30 year football game? Two point conversion successful, aggies win. Death’s sweet release, I embrace you. Honey, if you remarry, please let him be uglier than me.