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NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Week 1

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It’s so good to be back.

Academy Sports & Outdoors Bowl - Texas v Missouri Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Welcome back y’all, it’s football season! The sweet smell of college football vitriol once again permeates through the interwebs like a deadly virus attacking everything it touches. We’ve missed it so.

What a blessing that we were granted three different blue blood meltdowns this week 1 in the year of our lord 2018. The beautifully soul-crushing expectations of a new season do their job once again as these four ranked giants couldn’t survive a single game without taking a dump on the kitchen floor.

Texas thought the Tom Herman era would be different than the Charlie Strong era and not lose to Maryland. Boy howdy they were so wrong. Khaki King Jim Harbaugh welched on a deal to play Arkansas to challenge his team against the gilded-domers of Notre Dame only to lose the 7-point-blowout I’ve ever seen.

Washington lasted a whopping zero games in the top 10 as they traveled to Atlanta for a “neutral site” game against Auburn. In one of the uglier games of week 1, the Huskies were put down by the War Tiger Eagles in convincing fashion. Lastly, Florida State took on Virginia Tech on Monday night and ESPN decided to show as many different broadcasts for a week 1 Monday game as they did for a national championship… Go figure.

Florida State got annihilated on 87 different channels as the anemic offense of Virginia Tech dropped 24 points on them in a 24-3 nationally viewed butt kicking.

The language below is filled with bad-word-saying potty mouths and should not be viewed by those with weak constitutions or allergies to salt. It’s meltdown time, y’all.

TEX ASS BACK:

#FireCharlieStrong

If we don’t score again before the half I’m forcing two hot wings up my butthole

You guys give the SEC shit for playing cupcakes but Maryland does it and no one says a damn thing.

Roses are red

Turtles are bestest

Guess who’s back

Definitely not Texas

Guys I don’t think Charlie strong was the problem

It’s 2018 and Tim Beck still thinks it’s better to go sideways instead of down the field.

Per ESPN, UMD is 2-22 since 2011 vs ranked opponents--both those wins were over Texas lmaooo

https://i.imgur.com/mEAhxic.jpg

Since the 4th quarter technically started right before the rain delay, they stopped selling booze here at the stadium. Everyone’s slowly sobering up and it’s depressing

Now sounds like a good time to say that Fedex Field is the worst stadium in the DMV.

”They got us”, Herman said of Maryland. “Those f***ing turtles boomed us.” Herman added, “They’re so MENSA”, repeating it four times. He then said he wanted to add Landover to the list of cities with strip clubs he wants to visit this summer.

https://imgur.com/HlQcUR8

A TURTLE MADE IT TO THE WATER

Don’t let texas losing to Maryland in football 34-29 distract you from the fact that texas lost to Maryland in football last year 51-41. But don’t let that distract you from the fact that texas lost to Kansas in football 24-21.

On the bright side, DC area strippers are going to make a fortune from an unnamed coach drowning his sorrows.

tExAs wIlL bE a pLaYoFf cOnTeNdEr

[–]USC Trojans / Kent State Golden Flashescasualassassin 766 points 1 day ago

TEXAS IS BACK FOLKS!!! ██]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 10% back..... ████]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 35% back.... ███████]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 60% back.... ███████████] 99% back..... ERROR! True Longhorns never fade Texas could never be back folks! ❌ Send this to ten other Longhorns who think they are back Or never get called ☁️a playoff contender☁️ again❌❌ ❌❌ If you get 0 Back: no playoffs for you 3 back: you’re preseason hyped 5 back: you’re daddy’s longhorn 10+ back: YOU’RE BACK FOLKS!

AP Ranking Committee Member: “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we preseason ranked Texas again to get their hopes up?”

Committee: *raucous laughter*

Committee Member: “Alright alright, that’s enough. Whew . . . *wipes tears away* . . . 23 sound good?”

This is the most accurate recap of this game

At least our fans are handling this well

Texas will probably fall to 25 after this one

https://twitter.com/AnwarRichardson/status/1035938967336767489

WASHING A TON OF LOSSES

Jesus Christ the actual name of this game is:

Dr. Pepper Game of the week: The Chik-fil game sponsored by Walmart.

Half time adjustments: out of pbr so switched to Coors. Ate some pimento cheese.

*back to back missed field goals*

”WE ARE IN A DEFENSIVE SLUGFEST”

one of these teams need to get over it and accept the fact that they’re gonna win

Both teams tried so hard to lose this game but in the end Washington wanted it more

We:

☐ Won

☑ Lost

Time to:

☐ Get happy drunk for the rest of the day

☑ Get sad drunk for the rest of the day

Washington: “Hey baby.”

Top 10: “I think we should see other people.”

If you put a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle in a box and shook it for 4 hours, opened the box and the puzzle was put together perfectly....that’s Auburn football.

[during sex]

Auburn/Washington: I want you to hurt me

her: offense

Auburn/Washington: wait

her: red zone

Auburn/Washington: WHAT

her: finishing the drive with a touchdown

Auburn/Washington: PLEASE STOP

This half feels like

Washington has a good drive

???

Washington somehow doesn’t score

Auburn also doesn’t profit

IAMONEWITHTHEFLAG

THEFLAGISWITHME

Playing against Auburn and being garbage at kicking, who are we, Alabama?

This game is uglier than my face

Ah yes, the classic jump pass to the receivers foot.

Chris Peterson and kickers who fuck everything up -- name a more iconic duo

B1G officials remove their masks to unveil they were Pac12 refs all along.

If Browning decides to lay there for 20 seconds does that get reviewed?

“Jake Browning’s best quality is his grit.” Dude just say he sucks. You’re not fooling anyone.

Is Jake Browning the new Josh Allen: my column.

BIG BLUE IT ALL AWAY

michigan fan: i’m 47 years old and single because women can’t handle football season and my intensity

reporter: i’m sorry to hear that

michigan fan: no no, it’s a good thing, more time for football

reporter: oh

Losing big time games

Clock mismanagement

No real QB

All the talent to be special

Jesus, Michigan is the LSU of the north.

Harbaugh removes his mask to reveal he’s actually Les Miles

Legend has it that the Michigan two-minute offense is still lining up to play 2nd down to this very day.

This checks all of the UM boxes under Harbaugh:

-Losing by 7 pts or less

-Incompetent offense for at least half of the game

-Questionable coaching decisions

-QB questions and issues

https://s3media.247sports.com/Uploads/Assets/944/946/3946944.png

Notre Dame burnt down Michigan’s Shea shed

WE WANT TEXAS!

/drinks bleach

Michigan has lost 16 ranked road games in a row‬

I actually wonder what Harbaugh actually whispers to the QBs: “You’ll never be as good as Andrew Luck” “Colin Kaepernick’s fro had more talent than you”

Michigan could’ve had a win at home against Arkansas if they hadn’t off broken their agreement. Haha.

Ohhh Shea Can You See?

Where the ball is to me?

I came here from Ole Miss

But I turned it over like this

Apparently it’s possible to blow out a team 24-17.

Michigan is 9-9 in its past 18 games.

In today’s age of 9 conference games, is scheduling a strong non-conference (especially on the road) opponent worth it? With 4 spots in the CFP pretty much reserved for 4 of the Power 5 conference champions or the best team from the conference with 1 or more loss; why risk an early season blemish at all?

Penn St and MSU played much, much weaker opponents this week; at home nonetheless and struggled mightily. Yet still they are in a much better position than Michigan and Washington for example. With 9 conference games and a tough division with an unbalanced crossover schedule, it seems that scheduling tough OOC games has a potential of a little reward or a lot of downside.

Just wait until Harbaugh finally gets a team full of his own recruits....

Can someone tell Shea Patterson he doesn’t need to take 10 seconds to clap at the ball when there is 2 minutes left on the clock.

Highlights so far include:

Some drunk chick in a Michigan shirt chanting “Fuck Jim Harbaugh” and clapping.

A Notre Dame fan yelling “More like Shea Badderson!”

Someone shouting “You’re not even Irish!”

Overheard in the Michigan locker room after the game. “He got me”, Don Brown said of Wimbush running all over the Michigan D. “That fucking Wimbush boomed me.” Brown added, “He’s so good,” repeating it four times.

MiCHiGan HaS a QuArTeRbaCk NoW

FAILED SUITING UP

Florida State’s team hashtag of “#DoSomething” has never been more appropriate

They weren’t ready.

Willie is busy calling the bank, trying to cancel that $1,000,000 donation check.

THE GHOST OF TURNTLE SHOWED NO MERCY

lmao akers had 82 total rushing yards and 85 of em came in one play

Florida State is dead last in the FBS for points per game. Cherish it.

if FSU kneeled it on every play inside the 20, their redzone stats would actually be better

ESPN coming in off the top rope to finish me by letting me know via notification that it’s the first time FSU failed to score an offensive touchdown at home in a decade.

All of us watching FSU’s offense

https://i.redd.it/7or6rix91vj11.gif

FSU’s war chant should be changed to “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AND 1, OHHHhhhHhhhh annnnddd 11111”

imagine dunking yourself in glitter so you could watch that performance

FSU band director: Alright everyone we’ve got our sheet music for Monday

Student: This is just a bunch of Os

Band director: Exactly

Student 2: Actually sir we thought maybe we could do a bit more

Band director: Like what

Student 3: Well, the Game of Thrones theme is really popular

Band director: Play it for me

Band plays it

Student 3: What did you think

Band director: Hear me out, what if we played that but said OOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO over it

Student 3: I guess that could work...

Band director: And what if instead of Game of Thrones theme we did the regular music instead!

Students: But...

Band director: Clearly you don’t respect the letter O so I found someone who does

Door kicks open

Students collectively: Oh god

I’M COACH O N IMMAON SAM SESAME STREET BEAUXSHAT N DAS AS BRAT TO Y’ALL BA TH LETTA O GEAUX TIGAHS

If you listen closely you can hear laughter emanating from Eugene Oregon and College Station Texas tonight

https://twitter.com/nick_pants/status/1036789558644490240

Slaps Taggart’s visor You can fit so many high expectations into this bad boy

do you hate offense

do you hate good playcalling

do you hate competency

do you hate yourself

boy, do I have the game for you

I’ve got my weiner dog sleeping next to me and sometimes I look down at him with a smile knowing that he would be a better offensive linesman than more members of Florida State

They literally came back from commercial break to tell us the second half was coming up and go back to commercial break. Fuck off ESPN.

The best thing about this simulcaast is I’ve got five different ways to watch my team get their ass punched in.