FanPost

A Very Serious Fan Preview Of Tennessee

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Alabama V Tennessee

DIRTY LANGUAGE. IT'S NOT, LIKE, A LOT. BUT IT IS THERE. IT'S MOSTLY TOWARDS THE END?

General

There's this myth/rumor about Sir Isaac Newton and Robert Hooke.

They were both physicists of their time and were both of course incredibly brilliant. Basically I'm writing an opening about two geniuses while I'm also having to google how to spell the word physicist. But let's just go with two really bright guys.

So long story short for this fanpost on a football blog Robert Hooke starts the basis of figuring out the inverse law of gravity and then famously, and that's an important point here, Isaac Newton finished the drive. Now remember kids if a Wide Receiver catches the ball on the one yard line and the Runningback takes the ball in the Wide Receiver receives no credit for the touchdown on the state sheet.

That's basically why Robert Hooke got pissed and started beef with Sir Isaac Newton.

So what does this have to do with Alabama and Tennessee?

So when Robert Hooke shuffled himself off this mortal coil into the great unknown Sir Isaac Newton was still very much alive. And still very much pissed. And began actively trying to remove Robert Hooke from history. Literally.

You know a lot about Sir Isaac Newton but you don't know much about Robert Hooke or even call him Sir Robert Hooke. He was also a very important architect of his time but no one knows that because a lot of his work is misattributed. Along with his works on fossils and wave lengths and other high brow shit.

The point is the man was super duper important in his time but no one remembers him and the rumor is it's all due to Sir Isaac Newton going out of his way to scrub a dub dub Robert Hooke out of history.

That's a rivalry.

Sir Isaac Newton looked up at the scoreboard of life and saw he was up big in the fourth qtr. Landslide victory. Absolute domination. But that wasn't enough. He needed to go that extra mile, that cherry on top, of the "Fuck This Guy In Particular" sundae.

And when you talk about how the Alabama Tennessee game might not matter to you as a program any more I need you to think of my boy Sir Isaac Newton and how there isn't a single authentic portrait of Robert Hooke left in existence and the rumor is, and I with my entire being believe it to be true for no other reason than because it's just that good, Sir Isaac Newton and his squad made it a point to destroy all portraits of Robert Hooke.

You want to know how you should feel about a rivalry? You should want to scrub an opponents face from history.

Alabama's offense vs Tennessee's defense

My absolute favorite historical moment is the Defenestration of Prague. Specifically the Third Defenestration of Prague. Great moment in rivalry here.

Defenestration, a beautiful and noble word, means in Alabama terms to throw someone's ass out a window. Usually as a means of execution or mob justice. Yes there's a word for that and yes there were three famous defenestrations that happened in Prague. Three.

So how do we cover this without getting super political up in this sports blog? We keep it simple and stupid and brother, that's my wheelhouse.

BASICALLY we are in Bohemia and things are a bit tense between the protestants and catholics. Well actually the Holy Roman... wait no we're keeping this stupid. So the catholics go to the protestants in prague with a letter from the head catholic, who was also ya know the king, to the protestants that was like "hey fellas y'all were trying to build some protestant building up on this land and I'm just not having that" and the Luthe- sorry keeping it Irish, protestants were like "hey man y'all totally arrested our people for protesting that." People got mad, literally started blaming the messenger and a crowd formed.

This is a heavily dumbed down version please read up on this for yourself.

SO NOW THE IMPORTANT PART. The crowd seizes up these three catholic messengers and tosses them out the window, aka defenstrating the shit out of them. 70 foot drop, or 21 meters in commie talk.

But a twist!

The three catholics survived. Being catholic they of course thanked the saints but good protestants maintain that three men survived by landing in a large pile of manure.

So no I am not saying a football rivalry should be as serious catholic v protestant tension in European history.

But I am saying that someone needs to get tossed out a window and covered in shit. Metaphorically. Roll Tide.

Alabama's Defense vs Tennessee Offense

Cicero and Mark Antony did not like each other. The Ancient Romans were the two leading politicians following the assassination of Julius Caesar. Again dumbed down history.

Now when a third party, Octavian, entered the fray Cicero wanted to make the public and Octavian move against Mark Antony for him. He would go on to give 14 speeches known as the Philippicae which the gist of which was "This Octavian guy is the shit, we should band together with him and go fuck up that loser Mark Antony who is a traitor and sheep and again fuck that guy."

Basically Mark Antony's name was in Cicero's mouth all out in public. And at first it worked. The Senate was totally behind this. There was great victories against Mark Antony's forces. But then, well, history went and did that bitchy thing that history is known to do.

Mark Antony palled up with Octavian and the two of them schemed against all conspirators in the senate with Mark Antony's number one hit job being his long time rival Cicero with direct orders to nail his hands, along with his head, to the Rostra a large public platform for all to see.

Again not at all condoning violence here, looking at you would be death threat sending freshmen students sheesh.

BUT what do you do when your rival has your name in their mouth dogging you to the public aka the NCAA?

You nail their hands to the door. Again, metaphorically. Again, Roll Tide.

Summary

Update:

So my first go around on this had an ending that talked about an animated filmmaker which in no way made any sense whatsoever. In hindsight I should proofread.

Tennessee people are fine people. I hate their team. Like.... a lot. So much so that it makes me ramble incoherently.

If you ever feel like this rivalry isn't what it used to be just be like Sir Isaac Newton, a bunch of protestants in Prague, or Mark Antony and remember that there are teams in this world you hate unconditionally.

Roll tide.

FanPosts are just that; posts created by the fans. They are in no way indicative of the opinions of SBN and the authors of Roll Bama Roll.